I had been writing then deleting then deleting again for the past few minutes.  I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t know how I can put into words the way I feel right now.  Isn’t the rather difficult?  I mean, this is my outlet.  This is where I rant and rave but now, this is becoming a bit impossible.   Could it be that I am seeing red lights again and anxiety is starting to take over?  Anxiety from restraining myself from doing what I want to do?  Or is it anxiety from stopping myself from being with someone whom I love to be with?  Perhaps both?  I have to find another outlet to release this feeling that is starting to get hold of me.  There are times when I get hold of it but there are times when I lose my grip.

I need to start with my masters already or start with myoviolin lessons.  I need to have a life.  I need to live a life so I can forget.  To stop this seed from growing by burrying it deeper and deeper until it is completely forgotten.  Or perhaps, let the wind blow so profusely so it gets blown away?  Maybe I am just feeling lonely or maybe I am already falling?  Naaahhhh…. I think, I am just bored.  You don’t fall for someone you can’t be with.

I could never understand why this site had been blocked by Google and why it was hacked.  This is just a personal blog where I just rant and say whatever I want.  Who would care about this?

I attended the mass this evening.  A boy, about 5 feet tall sat beside me.  He looks rather untidy and a bit of a kanto boy type.  Upon seeing him, I immediately moved away, wanting to transfer to another seat which is not possible because the church is already full.  Then, it dawned to me.  I was singing praises, telling the Lord that I love him when I cannot even sit beside this guy.  I judged him based on his looks.  How can I say that I love God when just sitting beside this guy makes me feel uncomfortable?   Guilt began to creep inside me that I almost cried.  This guy is here to worship God and yet I think of him as an outcast.  God is happy to see him here yet I wanted to send him away.  It’s really shameful.

You seem to be living such a great and exciting life.  The life I wish I have.  Since we met, you have influenced me a lot.  All my dreams that I just thought of, you made me reach for them.  All those things I have always wanted to do but never had the chance or stop myself from doing, I am beginning to do them one by one.  Dancing is just one of them.  I have always loved to dance yet, I stopped.  Now, I am trying to pick up those steps and those moves again.  It is hard, I must say.  Well, my life had almost been stationary in the past 9 years.  I am starting to pick up on my piano lessons and will start with violin in July.  I am traveling more now.  Trying to live the life I want.  Trying to find more meaning in this life.  And the more I know you, the more I want to be with you.  The more I want to be part of your world.  The more I want to be closer to you as a friend.  Thank you.  Thanks for making me realize how life should be lived.

I have never really thought of or pondered about certain things in my life.  Sometimes, reality just strikes and made me think about how I am living.  Sometimes, people come to our lives to show us things and make us realize things we have never paid attention to or we thought we are already doing but in reality, we are not.  I know this may sound silly or very jologs.  Yesterday, I watched Eat Bulaga.  Well, not lwatched as in watched.  I was doing some other things while the television is on… now you will say, what a waste.  Yeah.  I guess.  But since childhood, I think the television has been like a companion to me.  That as long as it is on, I don’t feel alone.  So, there goes the long introduction.  Yesterday, they featured 30 students, all from poor families but achievers.  Children who went out of their way just to be educated.   Children who cannot even afford to buy a pair of shoes, school supplies, snacks or walk miles just to get to school.  Children who will be extremely extatic if you will give them a pair of shoes, food to eat and a complete set of school supplies.

Then it struck me.  How my mind worked in my younger years and perhaps,  until now. When I was in grade school, all that mattered is that I win.  I never really valued my education.  I never thought of it as the way to help my family have a better life. I never worked hard.  Never really studied hard even in my college years.  For me, as long as I meet people’s expectations, my family’s expectations, I am fine.  So I ended up, being half educated.  I am not sure if you will understand it though.  My true education only came when my family faced certain trials that I had to change my own lifestyle.

I realized how blessed I am and how much time I have wasted.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to have a purpose.  We surely have more than 30 students who are like that in our country, more so the world.  Honestly, I don’t know what to do yet but I know I can do something.  No matter how small, no matter how irrelevant it may seem or ridiculous it may be.

I just said that I will try to avoid you.  Build walls around me so you can’t enter and I will feel safe.  Yet, I realized that it’s actually a big mistake to do that.  You make me happy and I don’t really know what runs on your mind.  I don’t know if you also like me, I don’t know what will happen in the next few days, weeks or months so why would I restrain myself from being happy?  You opened my mind to a lot of possibilities.  Made me realize my passions and made me go for it.  I have a lot of things going on now.  I have a lot of plans that I will make sure will push through.  No more boundaries.  No more worries.  I will just enjoy this ride and see where it takes us.  I hope you too.

I just read an article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about being blessed and making our dreams come true.  I realized the mistakes I have been making.  I have always believed in self-fulfilling prophecies and he actually confirmed it.  You become what you believe.  So now, I am going to start dreaming again and I hope everyone who reads my blog will do the same.

First step, according to Bo, is to visualize your dream.  Know what your dreams are and start visualizing it, feeling it, and really seeing it.  Well, let me start with my own dreams, from the short term to the long term.

1. Learn to play the violin

2. Learn how to dance

3. Learn how to play the drums

4. Learn how to play the piano’

5. Start taking up my MBA

6. Go to a place I have never been- outside the country

7. Pay off my credit card debts

8. Save at least 100k until my next birthday

Those are the dreams I have that I want to happen in the next 12 months.  I have already made my plans. Of course, what stopped me before is that my finances is not in a very good shape but with the increase I am going to receive this month and the expenses plan I have in mind, I will be able to save at least half of my salary starting July of this year.  This will give me enough finances to finance the activities I have in mind and still save some money.

1. Have a car - a second hand Honda Civic will be fine.

2. Have a house and lot - I plan to start with the lot by next year, probably somewhere in Laguna like what my boss keeps saying

3. Invest in the rice business of my cousin and re-start the duck farm -I want to start with this early next year.

4. My longer term plan is to have a farm in the province where I have a house, a fish pond, lots of trees, cows and pigs.

Number 4 can happen in the next 5 years.  I want to retire from regular work at the age of 40 and just work from home and spend time with my family - kids and husband (another short term dream =)

Once you already visualize your dream, you start working on those.  And last will be to Surrender your dreams to God.  Of course, there are dreams that will come true and there are dreams that won’t.  Yet, it does not really matter for things happen and don’t happen for our own good.  I believe that good things will come my way.  The best things I can imagine for I believe in God’s goodness.  His infinite goodness.  Problems will come, but cliche as you may say, there’s a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.  I believe and I know that my dreams, the dreams that I have listed here will come true.  I will keep you posted.

I had a dark week a couple of weeks ago.   A couple of days when I lost confidence in myself, my boss and perhaps, even in my God.  I am better now.  Thanks to my friends who never let me down.  I now have a different perspective. I guess I never realize my worth, recognize my accomplishments or see how hard I am working.  For me, everything is called for.  I am only doing my job.  Everything is not enough.  I still have a lot of things to do, to learn, to accomplish.  That God is just the one making things happen and if He will ever leave me, I am bound to fail.  Which is true in some ways but then I fail to see certain things.  Doing my job well is already an accomplishment.  That the fact the God never lets me down means He wants me here and not anywhere else.  And that everything I do without God will always be bound to fail.

This time, I am more ready to take on the challenges.  I will never let anything threaten or pull me down.  I will continue living my life the way I want to.  I will continue doing my job the best way I can.  I believe God will always be there.  Though I know failures will be inevitable, it is not the end of everything.  Failures are there to teach us what we did wrong so we can make things right.  No one is perfect but as long as I believe in God and myself, things will only get better.

I guess, I just have to learn from my past lessons.  Here I am again.  I already know that there’s a lot of risk when I continue so I just have to stop myself from getting close to you.  You never gave me any puzzle to solve.  You never told me anything that can be misconstrued as something else.  You are just being yourself and I cannot help but be drawn to that.  You are such a nice person and the more I get to know you, the more I like you.  There seem to be a magnet that draws me to you from the day we met and you salute at me like I am your comrade.  I feel so light when I talk to you.  No pressure on being someone else because I know that you are also being yourself.  What I see is what I get.  You are weird in a nice and cute way. I just wish I can get hold of my heart this time.  I don’t want to fall for you.  I just want to stay this way.  I just want to enjoy your company because I know, I cannot really be the one you will fall in love with.

I hope I can keep the distance.  Refrain from falling in love so I can enjoy your company without the complications of falling in love.  Just that, I was already attracted to you from the very first time I saw you and that attraction just grows deeper each day as I get to know you more.  Who will not be attracted to your looks and gentle ways.  Your smile is like sunshine -I know that’s cliche but it really feels like a bright summer day when you smile.  I feel your presence when you pass by. I guess, I will just refrain from seeing you again, from talking to you again.  Put the wall around me just like what I use to do.  All defenses up that it’s starting to give me anxiety.  Anxiety for restraining myself, stopping myself from feeling that light and warm feeling I feel when I am with you, when I am talking to you or just seeing you pass by.

My heart is so overwhelmed with love and joy for my Lord that I can smile in the midst of pain and suffering.