With our busy lives, it is so easy to neglect certain things, events and even people.  Like what most people say, we forget to stop and smell the flowers.  I guess I had my respite a couple of days ago.  First is when I went to Baguio then when I got sick.  Let’s set aside the Baguio story for now what I really want to focus on are the simple things in life that we tend to overlook.  It had been raining everyday non stop and I just broke my umbrella on my trip to Baguio.  Well, so much for a Php60 umbrella I bought knowing how clumsy I am in using that thing - never really want to use it anyway.  So, without an umbrella, running nose, heavy rain, fever the other day, getting drenched will be the worst thing that can happen to me but somehow with the present condition, it is almost unavoidable.   But on my way to work, the rain just stopped and I was able to get a cab soon.  That is already a miracle.  A window opened for me so I won’t get wet with the rain and get even sicker.  Then, that evening, still without an umbrella and with heavy rain all day, seems that God opened a window again so I can get home dry.  Rain stopped and getting a cab was quite easy.

There are more little blessings that come my way.  If I will write it down, I must say this page will be so full I might have to start another blog and get another server.  There are so many things that God has given me, even when I don’t ask Him because He knows it will be good for me.  From the simplest thing as making me wake up every morning with all my organs working well or by sending a cab my way so I won’t get late.  I guess, this is more than just stopping to smell the flowers.  It is also marvelling at its beauty and thinking about the One who created it.   Or hearing the birds sing and thinking who created those calming melodies?  Or looking at the sky and seeing the artwork painted by God.  Hmmm…. what a great life and what a great God we have.

I have always been competitive.  All  my life I had been competing - in academics, in the election at school, and when I was a kid, I also use to compete with my siblings for attention. My focus is always on winning.  I always have to win and when I lose, I tend to be too hard on myself.  Then, as I grow up, I have learned to let go.  Wherever I go and whatever I do, there will always be someone better than I am.  I begin to realize that the only person I need to compete with is myself.  That all I need to do is just to try to be better than I was before.  Failures will come my way.  I will not always get what I want but who cares.  As long as I do my best, I should be content.  Content but not complacent.  I should use those failures as tools to learn more, to be better.  I should enjoy the ride and forget the competition.  So even if my plans don’t push through or I don’t get what I want, I can still smile and say it’s worth every sacrifice, worth the extra mile and just tell myself, I will do better next time.

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you’ll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

I don’t wanna be lonely anymore [x3]

I had been writing then deleting then deleting again for the past few minutes.  I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t know how I can put into words the way I feel right now.  Isn’t the rather difficult?  I mean, this is my outlet.  This is where I rant and rave but now, this is becoming a bit impossible.   Could it be that I am seeing red lights again and anxiety is starting to take over?  Anxiety from restraining myself from doing what I want to do?  Or is it anxiety from stopping myself from being with someone whom I love to be with?  Perhaps both?  I have to find another outlet to release this feeling that is starting to get hold of me.  There are times when I get hold of it but there are times when I lose my grip.

I need to start with my masters already or start with myoviolin lessons.  I need to have a life.  I need to live a life so I can forget.  To stop this seed from growing by burrying it deeper and deeper until it is completely forgotten.  Or perhaps, let the wind blow so profusely so it gets blown away?  Maybe I am just feeling lonely or maybe I am already falling?  Naaahhhh…. I think, I am just bored.  You don’t fall for someone you can’t be with.

I could never understand why this site had been blocked by Google and why it was hacked.  This is just a personal blog where I just rant and say whatever I want.  Who would care about this?

I attended the mass this evening.  A boy, about 5 feet tall sat beside me.  He looks rather untidy and a bit of a kanto boy type.  Upon seeing him, I immediately moved away, wanting to transfer to another seat which is not possible because the church is already full.  Then, it dawned to me.  I was singing praises, telling the Lord that I love him when I cannot even sit beside this guy.  I judged him based on his looks.  How can I say that I love God when just sitting beside this guy makes me feel uncomfortable?   Guilt began to creep inside me that I almost cried.  This guy is here to worship God and yet I think of him as an outcast.  God is happy to see him here yet I wanted to send him away.  It’s really shameful.

You seem to be living such a great and exciting life.  The life I wish I have.  Since we met, you have influenced me a lot.  All my dreams that I just thought of, you made me reach for them.  All those things I have always wanted to do but never had the chance or stop myself from doing, I am beginning to do them one by one.  Dancing is just one of them.  I have always loved to dance yet, I stopped.  Now, I am trying to pick up those steps and those moves again.  It is hard, I must say.  Well, my life had almost been stationary in the past 9 years.  I am starting to pick up on my piano lessons and will start with violin in July.  I am traveling more now.  Trying to live the life I want.  Trying to find more meaning in this life.  And the more I know you, the more I want to be with you.  The more I want to be part of your world.  The more I want to be closer to you as a friend.  Thank you.  Thanks for making me realize how life should be lived.

I have never really thought of or pondered about certain things in my life.  Sometimes, reality just strikes and made me think about how I am living.  Sometimes, people come to our lives to show us things and make us realize things we have never paid attention to or we thought we are already doing but in reality, we are not.  I know this may sound silly or very jologs.  Yesterday, I watched Eat Bulaga.  Well, not lwatched as in watched.  I was doing some other things while the television is on… now you will say, what a waste.  Yeah.  I guess.  But since childhood, I think the television has been like a companion to me.  That as long as it is on, I don’t feel alone.  So, there goes the long introduction.  Yesterday, they featured 30 students, all from poor families but achievers.  Children who went out of their way just to be educated.   Children who cannot even afford to buy a pair of shoes, school supplies, snacks or walk miles just to get to school.  Children who will be extremely extatic if you will give them a pair of shoes, food to eat and a complete set of school supplies.

Then it struck me.  How my mind worked in my younger years and perhaps,  until now. When I was in grade school, all that mattered is that I win.  I never really valued my education.  I never thought of it as the way to help my family have a better life. I never worked hard.  Never really studied hard even in my college years.  For me, as long as I meet people’s expectations, my family’s expectations, I am fine.  So I ended up, being half educated.  I am not sure if you will understand it though.  My true education only came when my family faced certain trials that I had to change my own lifestyle.

I realized how blessed I am and how much time I have wasted.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to have a purpose.  We surely have more than 30 students who are like that in our country, more so the world.  Honestly, I don’t know what to do yet but I know I can do something.  No matter how small, no matter how irrelevant it may seem or ridiculous it may be.

I just said that I will try to avoid you.  Build walls around me so you can’t enter and I will feel safe.  Yet, I realized that it’s actually a big mistake to do that.  You make me happy and I don’t really know what runs on your mind.  I don’t know if you also like me, I don’t know what will happen in the next few days, weeks or months so why would I restrain myself from being happy?  You opened my mind to a lot of possibilities.  Made me realize my passions and made me go for it.  I have a lot of things going on now.  I have a lot of plans that I will make sure will push through.  No more boundaries.  No more worries.  I will just enjoy this ride and see where it takes us.  I hope you too.

I just read an article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about being blessed and making our dreams come true.  I realized the mistakes I have been making.  I have always believed in self-fulfilling prophecies and he actually confirmed it.  You become what you believe.  So now, I am going to start dreaming again and I hope everyone who reads my blog will do the same.

First step, according to Bo, is to visualize your dream.  Know what your dreams are and start visualizing it, feeling it, and really seeing it.  Well, let me start with my own dreams, from the short term to the long term.

1. Learn to play the violin

2. Learn how to dance

3. Learn how to play the drums

4. Learn how to play the piano’

5. Start taking up my MBA

6. Go to a place I have never been- outside the country

7. Pay off my credit card debts

8. Save at least 100k until my next birthday

Those are the dreams I have that I want to happen in the next 12 months.  I have already made my plans. Of course, what stopped me before is that my finances is not in a very good shape but with the increase I am going to receive this month and the expenses plan I have in mind, I will be able to save at least half of my salary starting July of this year.  This will give me enough finances to finance the activities I have in mind and still save some money.

1. Have a car - a second hand Honda Civic will be fine.

2. Have a house and lot - I plan to start with the lot by next year, probably somewhere in Laguna like what my boss keeps saying

3. Invest in the rice business of my cousin and re-start the duck farm -I want to start with this early next year.

4. My longer term plan is to have a farm in the province where I have a house, a fish pond, lots of trees, cows and pigs.

Number 4 can happen in the next 5 years.  I want to retire from regular work at the age of 40 and just work from home and spend time with my family - kids and husband (another short term dream =)

Once you already visualize your dream, you start working on those.  And last will be to Surrender your dreams to God.  Of course, there are dreams that will come true and there are dreams that won’t.  Yet, it does not really matter for things happen and don’t happen for our own good.  I believe that good things will come my way.  The best things I can imagine for I believe in God’s goodness.  His infinite goodness.  Problems will come, but cliche as you may say, there’s a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.  I believe and I know that my dreams, the dreams that I have listed here will come true.  I will keep you posted.