I guess we are going to say goodbye soon.  Well, I already knew this will happen.  From the start, I know that you are not here to stay.  I guess, I let myself feel things I should not feel in the first first place.  How stupid can one be?  I just never learn my lesson.  Anyway, I was probably wrong.  The chemistry was not there.  I only saw the things I wanted to see.  My eyes deceived me.

I will wake up one day and you will no longer be there.  I will no longer see your smile nor will I have someone to whom I can express my frustrations to.  Back to my old life, my old safe and uncomplicated life.  I want to stay there actually.  I want to stay in that shell where I am safe.

I wish I was able to run away from you before I even started feeling this way.  That is what I am good at, running away.  I run when I am scared.  I run when I don’t like the things that happen around me.  I go back to my own space, my own secluded place away from everyone.  I wish I went back there before I started caring for you.

Should I still tell you about it?  I am not sure if you should even know but I would probably want to let it out.  But what will happen if I do that?  Will I feel better or will it make things worse?  It will probably make things worse.

I never really wanted to write again and say the same story.  Well, I really hope this will not end up as the other stories in my life or should I say, I hope this part will never end.  I met him in the office.  I probably met him there because I will not even pay attention if I met him elsewhere.  I would probably not even give him a second glance.  He will probably do the same with me.  It is not really his looks that drew me to him.  It is more on his personality, his smile.  The way he smiles at me in the morning and ask if I practice not smiling in front of a mirror because I am good at it.  The way he said I should learn to smile more often.  The way he ask why I am smiling.  The way we end up laughing after we share our frustrations to each other.  The way he makes me realize a lot of things and the comfort I feel when he is around.  To sum it up, it is more of his personality and how his personality complements mine that has drawn me close to him.  I don’t even know how it happened.  It probably got ignited during that first dinner with the team or when he said he came to the Philippines when he learned that I am there.

We just click, you can probably say that.  There is an air between us that actually draws us together.  I tried to stop myself from feeling this way.  I am not sure if I want to fall in love again and I know for sure that there are a lot of risks involved when I fall in love with you.  But one thing I haven’t really mastered is trying not to fall in love because the more I tried not to, the more I fall.  I did try not to fall for you and until now, I am still trying.   It has been a daily struggle.  Unlike the others, I cannot just pull you out of my life when I want to or when I have become too scared.  Pulling you out has a lot of implications - is this part of the master plan?  Now, you seem to be in my mind almost all the time.  I am starting to dream of being wrapped in your arms to feel that warmth and security that your embrace brings.  I probably am even dreaming of your kiss every now and then - though this is something I immediately brush off my thoughts.

I don’t know where life will take us.  As you said, everything happens for a reason.  I don’t know what reason God has for bringing you into my life.  I probably won’t be able to know either.  You are leaving in two months and until now, you are still not sure if you are coming back or not.  I am scared that if I fall for you now and you decided not to come back, I will be left here all broken again.  Or what if I am just making up these things in my head - the feeling that we seem to have for each other?

I definitely do not want to fall in love with someone who does not love me in return.  It is just too painful.  I cannot bear to feel that pain again.  Please, not again…

Friday, February 18, 2011.   It is probably one of the days I will never forget.  It was the day when I met an accident.  It was the day when I realized how easily one’s life can be taken, how a simple mistake can lead to a disaster, and how your life can change in a split second.  It is also the day when God has spoken to me and I did not listen.

I had been stressed for over two weeks already.  Probably because of work of because of the emotional dilemma that I am going through.  I woke up that morning having a queer feeling.   The weird dream probably contributed to that feeling.  I was not feeling well and I don’t really feel like driving.  I asked my sister if she can drive for me but she is also a bit sick herself.  I thought about just riding a cab but I said, what the heck, I will just drive.  When I went down to get my car, there was heavy traffic on our street so I cannot really leave yet.  While waiting, I decided to clean my car a bit.  Once the traffic started running smoothly, I hopped on board, start my engine, put my gear on reverse.  The guard asked me to drive my car forward so he can remove the block first.  With the instruction, I released the break and my car suddenly went on a free fall backwards.  It all happened so fast it took a while for me to realize that the reason why I was seeing a tricycle falling sideways in my rearview mirror is because of my car pushing it that way.  I hit the break, my hand shook, I was lost.

I was looking at what is happening, not able to digest what is going on.  I saw a kid with his mother, the driver standing.  Thank God, all they got were minor bumps.  The people around me told the tricycle driver it was his fault.  In my heart I know they were just trying to protect me.  It was my fault.  I tried to arrange for everything, called my agent, called my office, gave my number to the mother so they can let me know the kid’s condition, got the tricycle fixed.  After that, I went back to my apartment and started crying.  Crying out of fear, crying of gratitude, crying in frustration and regret.

I could have killed them.  If  it was just a man passing behind my car when it happened, it would have cost him his life.  I would have killed someone.  God is so merciful that eventhough I did not heed to His instruction, He still protected me and made things as light as possible.  Nobody was badly hurt.  Everyone in the scene was so kind to me.  I cried of frustration, of regret.  If only I followed God’s instruction and just took a cab, it would not have happened.

I now see how God tried to direct us, lead us to prevent bad things from happening to us.  I now realize that God tried to stop that tragedy to happen by prompting me to just take a cab.  It is true that God will lead us to what is good.  It is true that God is always there.  It is true that our choices will produce different results but no matter what our choices are, God is there with us.  We can never say that God never warned us from choosing the wrong way.  He does, I believe He always does but we are just to deaf to hear or to blind to see where He is leading us.  I never thought of that such thing may happen unless it did.  From now on, I will listen to that voice inside me and follow it’s instructions.  For all I know, it could be God whispering to me, protecting me, leading me to a better place.

My sister was a bit sick for a couple of days and my parents decided to bring her home to the province leaving me alone in my apartment.  It was actually perfect timing since I felt that I needed some time alone to think about what I really want and also to get that taste of complete independence once more.  These past few months or probably years, my mother had been giving me too much attention that although I can do things on my own, I sort of let her do it since it seem to make her happy and give her a sense of purpose.  So, I was alone for a week in my apartment, cooking, cleaning a bit, coming home and having to do everything by myself.  It was a good feeling, just looking after myself and not thinking about anyone else.  Of course, my mother keeps on calling me at night just to check if I am home but that’s it.  It felt like I am free.

The week went by quickly.  It was both boring and fun and tiring all at the same time.  My mom even asked me if I am not scared.  I guess she never really learned that I am not scared of anything that can destroy the body but that which can destroy my soul.   I can risk being physically hurt but I cannot let anyone or anything destroy my spirit.

There were times when loneliness creep in.  I guess, I am starting to realize how I really feel about one person and it is scary.  It is a mixture of feeling happy, scared, and sad at the same time.  I am happy when I am with him.  His presence gives me a sense of security.  Feeling secured that someone understands how I feel, where I am coming from, my frustrations, my happiness.  He makes me smile.  His smile is so contagious that I cannot help but smile when he smiles a me even if I don’t really feel like it.  Scared because there are too many things at stake.  It is a rather complicated situation.  And sad that no matter how good it feels, no matter how right it seems, something tells me to stop because of the risks that goes with it.  Sad to think that when I feel that I finally found someone who perfectly suit me, I have to give it up because it seems to be the right thing to do.

I am turning 31 soon and the first question that people ask me when I meet them is if I am married already, why I am not married and when I am going to get married.  I hate it when they ask me that question.  If I know the answer, then I would have been happier and maybe I am already with someone.  I am not sure if God wants me to be married, maybe He does or maybe He does not.  I guess, only time can answer that question.  I just pray that if this man is not the one, I hope God will take him out of my life soon.  I cannot face another round of loving, hoping and losing.  My heart seem so weak now and it cannot take another fall, another hurt.  I guess, all I can do is pray and wait for God’s will to unfold.

It has been a long time since I opened this blog.  A lot of things happened, as always that stopped me from spending some time to write or maybe, I just didn’t know how to write my thoughts or the events in a way that will give them justice.  The past three years of my life had been quite eventful.  A lot of things changed that there are times when you can no longer see any traces of the past except through the memories or some pictures that had been left behind.  I am not even sure if I would want to remember some of the things that happened before but I guess, sometimes they are worth remembering for they served as the stones that led me to where I am now.  There are days when I feel like I woke up from a dream or days when I feel like I am in a dream.  Days that I fear would never last and days that I wanted to end.

I guess, that is life.  With all the ups and downs, twists and turns, you suddenly find yourself in places where you want to stay and where you cannot stay any longer than a few seconds.  It also brings people in and out of our lives.  Some stay only a few seconds, some a few hours, days or years.  Some you want to hold on to.  Some, you just want to get rid of.  It is full of things we like and things we hate.   Things that heals and things that hurt.

If someone will asks if there is anything I want to change, I will not deny that there are things that I want to be erased from my past.  Yet, on second thought, if those things that happened before did not happen, will my present life still be the same?  Maybe yes and maybe no.  So, with that thought I may decide not to change anything at all.  I am not saying my life is perfect now but I surely have grown a lot over the years and I believe the events in the past helped me grow and reach where I am now.  I still have some fears, doubts, and feel a lot of different emotions, both positive and negative but I believe it is part of being human.  The more I feel, the more human I become.  I will still fear the future every now and then but looking back to my past and looking at my present, the fears will subside.  I know that my life is in the hands of God and wherever life takes me, wherever those Hands take me, I will surely get somewhere where life is better either literally or metaphorically.  I may not see it in an instant, just like the fact that I did not see that my past will lead to this kind of present but with faith, I can surely get by.

If it pains me, I wonder how much you bled because of this tragedy.  How you weep because your children have lost sight of your love and succumbed to their weakness.  How painful is it for you to witness your children killing one another or watching a child of yours hurt or kill his brothers.  My tears are falling now but you must be crying a river.  Maybe that is why it rained hard today.  To show us how hurt you are with what is happening.  Each drop of rain is your tear pouring on us all.  Each raindrop for each drop of blood that shed.  The lightning and thunder reminding us to prepare for what is to come, to repent for our sins and stop hurting one another.  Show me how I can ease your pain.  Show me how I can make up for the pains that you have experienced because of us.  How can I console you?  My arms are open wide, ready to comfort you.  My heart is waiting for you, aching to see you smile.

It has been a couple of months since I have last written in this blog.  I am now 30 years old.  Still mature and immature.  Still searching for my place on earth.  Still searching for purpose.

I had been working for a company for 6 long years.  I must say it really is a blessing.  From the day I got hired, I know it was the beginning of something great, and it proved to be something like that.  It was 6 years of learning, improving, failure, stress, love, hate, anger, frustrations, triumphs, all the different emotions you can think of.  All different emotions that made me who I am now.  All happenings that changed me either to become a better person or bring out the worse in me.  From broken promises to shattered dreams, from dreams that come true and dreams that fade.  All in all, it had been one great journey.  Yet, all journey’s must end.  All beginnings end.

Now, I face a crossroad.  The need to choose between two paths that leads to an unknown destination.

I have come to the point where I am tired of going to the office, doing what other people ask me to do, fixing problems, fighting my own battles.  I have come to the point when I had to drag my feet to the office that I used to love.  I have come to the point when coming to work does not feel right anymore.   It seem to have lost its meaning.  It is no longer as fulfilling as it used to be.  My voice just became a tiny scream that no one hears. My contributions in the company had been overshadowed by fancy powerpoint presentations and long talks that meant nothing.  My output had been covered by nice looking suits and pretty clothes.  It is no longer the same as before, but I wouldn’t mind the change if we only put importance on what really matters.  My heart breaks to realize that I am being put to the position where I have to prove myself over and over when I have already proven my worth.  My heart breaks my boss tells me that I have not reached a certain level so he cannot give me an increase when those who are receiving the salary I am asking have not even accomplished half of what I have accomplished.  It is said that I have grown bitter and have lost faith in the company that I have helped build because it never took care of me.  Yet, I am certain that as long as I work, I will be receiving a salary.  That in two years, my boss even promised to give all the managers a bonus when the company goes IPO.  Can my heart take another two years?  What opportunities will I miss in two years?

When the other side of me is saying it is time to leave.  That it is now time to explore other options outside the dirty politics of the corporate world.  I know I can do it somehow, if God wills it.  I know that I can succeed and this time, I will work hard and succeed for myself and for those I love.  I will be doing what I love to do and no one will tell me to lie or be political or should I say hypocrite?  I can heal the bitterness that I have come to feel over the last few months.  There is risk I know but it feels like it is worth the risk.

Now, which road should I take?  Should I risk two years of possible opportunities for a certain rate of security? Which will glorify my God?  Is my heart telling me the answer now?  It is not easy to make these choices.  It is so easy to say to myself and say it is best to leave. But is it what God really wants?  I have my fear and pride that is getting in the way.  I also haven’t forgotten the fact that in some ways, my boss treated me well.  It is just probably not in his nature to think about the things I have in mind. I owe him 6 years as he also owes me the 6 years I will never get back.  Will I give him another two years of my life?  Or should I take those two years for myself?

I just came home from my Ethics class under the MBA program in La Salle.  On of the things that was mentioned in one of the reports is that as we climb up the corporate ladder, we tend to become more alone.  Thus,  leading to loneliness.  I guess, that is what I am feeling right now.  I am feeling kinda lonely but is it because I am alone or is it because I want to be with someone? Or is it both?

The guy I like just drove me home and until now, I still have no clue on how he feels.  Somehow, I manage to keep my guards but I know for sure that those are slowly crumbling down.  Why does he have to be so nice and friendly and smart and funny?  How I feel quite comfortable with him and he seem to also feel as comfortable with me?  Is it just his nature or is there something more?  It is hard to see what lies ahead and it is a bit difficult to just enjoy it when the fear of falling and getting hurt are lurking at the back of my mind.  There are times when I want to run away again, just like what I normally do whenever this happens.  Yet, I cannot seem to pull myself away from something that makes me happy.  I cannot seem to just walk away from something that feels so good.  I cannot seem to make myself decline his offer to bring me home because I enjoy his company.

Is this gonna be one of my lessons on letting things flow and  see where it takes me?  I am scared.  I don’t want to go through that process where I let my guards down and let myself fall and get hurt because my feelings are not reciprocated.  I’m tired of feeling that way.  Although most of the relationships that started this tway ended up in great friendships, the process that comes before that are rather painful and it takes a while before I bounce back.  Certain things suffered for a while, this time, the risk just seem too high or am I just exaggerating?

It is February once again.  Over the past three years, I had been rather freaked out whenever this month comes… my birthday month.  Why? I guess because I am not comfortable with my age yet.  It is rather hard for me to accept that I am almost 30, and this month I will actually be 30 years old.  Officially, an adult.  Officially, supposedly a lady.  I guess, I am scared because I somehow know that I have not lived my life the way I want to and in some ways, in the way that I have to.  I feel like there is still a lot to be done and 30 means, i should meet a certain milestone which I feel I have not. 

Age may just be a number for some but for me, these numbers signify something else, something more.  It signifies a certain level of maturity, a certain level of sacrifice, a certain level of achievement.  I practically just started living about 2 years ago when I started living on my own and not in the shadow of anyone.  Two years does not seem enough to catch up for those times or things that I feel I missed during those times.  I feel that I am not ready to face this stage yet because I have not fully accomplished the other stages of my life.  I tried to rush things in the past two years, trying to catch up but I guess, the time I have lost are lost forever.  All I can do now is maximize and do whatever I can to be what I want to be.  Probably, forget the age and just continue what I started.  I know, the pressure is on and I guess, adding the pressure of rushing things and completing everything before that time might just lead to more harm than good.  I will probably just make the most of it, be satisfied with what I have accomplished in a short span of time.

I am now a woman.  Someone that others will think should be matured enough to face life.  Honestly, I should say I am still a kid at times and I want to stay that way.  I want to stay in touch with the child in me because there is where the fun is, there is where life is like a miracle, there is where life seem to be more meaningful.

I remember me and my bestfriend talking before saying that the good thing about us is that we try to see the lighter side of things.  It was probably easier to say it then when we were younger.  Yet, it is also not difficult to say it now.  Positive thinking results to a lot of great things, but I think I would rather call it faith.  The faith that God is in control and that everything will be better in His time.  Faith that no matter how difficult your situation is right now, God is there with you and He will never leave you until everything is well again.  I don’t think faith or positive thinking means that we are not allowed to feel feer at all.  I believe it is alright to feel fear at times, after all, we are only human and fear is one of the emotions that we humans feel.  Yet, that fear should bring us to realize our weakness and seek God’s strength.  Our fear should lead us to recognizing that we are not strong enough but God’s strength can overcome anything, and begin to rely on God’s providence than our own.  It is like passing the wheel to him when the ship is faced with a storm and letting Him take you to the shore.

I have felt fear a number of times but after I write it down and began realizing how good my God is, my fear slowly turns to faith.  Faith that brings a lot of miracles in my life, a smile on my face and a glow in my eyes.  I don’t know what the future will bring, nor what will happen tomorrow all I know is that when I wake up tomorrow morning, that means God wants me to stay here on earth and He will also stay with me.