It is February once again.  Over the past three years, I had been rather freaked out whenever this month comes… my birthday month.  Why? I guess because I am not comfortable with my age yet.  It is rather hard for me to accept that I am almost 30, and this month I will actually be 30 years old.  Officially, an adult.  Officially, supposedly a lady.  I guess, I am scared because I somehow know that I have not lived my life the way I want to and in some ways, in the way that I have to.  I feel like there is still a lot to be done and 30 means, i should meet a certain milestone which I feel I have not. 

Age may just be a number for some but for me, these numbers signify something else, something more.  It signifies a certain level of maturity, a certain level of sacrifice, a certain level of achievement.  I practically just started living about 2 years ago when I started living on my own and not in the shadow of anyone.  Two years does not seem enough to catch up for those times or things that I feel I missed during those times.  I feel that I am not ready to face this stage yet because I have not fully accomplished the other stages of my life.  I tried to rush things in the past two years, trying to catch up but I guess, the time I have lost are lost forever.  All I can do now is maximize and do whatever I can to be what I want to be.  Probably, forget the age and just continue what I started.  I know, the pressure is on and I guess, adding the pressure of rushing things and completing everything before that time might just lead to more harm than good.  I will probably just make the most of it, be satisfied with what I have accomplished in a short span of time.

I am now a woman.  Someone that others will think should be matured enough to face life.  Honestly, I should say I am still a kid at times and I want to stay that way.  I want to stay in touch with the child in me because there is where the fun is, there is where life is like a miracle, there is where life seem to be more meaningful.

Categories : My Thoughts