We are now welcoming a new year.  A time to start over.  A time to think things over.  A lot of things have happened to me in the past year.  I have travelled via plane for the first time, went out of the country for the first time, got an increase, started my MBA, became happy, sad, lonely, frustrated, burned out, mad, felt victory.  A lot of things that it made me feel that I have only lived in the past two years.  It feels like my life started since he left me.  It felt great and it felt bad at the same time.

I know I had been greatly blessed.  My dreams are coming true one by one, and with that I am also making the dreams of other people come true.  It is like God’s plans had been slowly unfolding right before my eyes.  I am grateful, extremely grateful to my God and the people around me.  Yet, there are times when I long for something.  When my heart yearns for something and I begin to ask what all these things are for.  I know there is a purpose and I already see part of that purpose but is it all there is?  Will I be living my life alone?  I know that being single is something good.  I love the feeling of being free but you cannot be too free.  It feels good to have someone witness how crazy you are.  It feels good to have someone show you a different side of life that you never dared to explore alone.  It makes you feel more alive to have someone look at you as you live and tell you what you are doing wrong or what you are doing right and have that same person, lead you to do what will be good for you.  It feels good to have someone who will just hug you when you are having your tantrums and when you feel frustrated about things that are not going perfectly well.  It feels good to foresee a future with that someone and with your little ones.  I don’t know if this will ever happen to me again, to have someone witness my life as I witness his.

2010 brings a lot of promise, it also brings me fear.  I have not always been good in handling uncertainty.  This year, I will be a year older.  For some people,  I am already old.  A lot of people say I should already get married.  What the heck, I would if I could.  But I have no one to marry.  It scares me to be 30 and not have someone.  It makes me feel lonely all the more seeing my friends get married and happy with their loved ones.  I am happy for them but I would be happier to be in the same position as they are.  It somehow frustrates me to think that I cannot do anything about it.  This is one of the phases in my life where all I can do is stand still and wait for God.

I know this seems like a rant or some words uttered out of desperation.   I know that soon it will be over.  I just want to let it out.  To say that it’s not easy to be here.  Yet, it is also not that hard.  Being single has it ups and downs.  I love the freedom.  I love it that I can do whatever I want and go wherever and with whoever without asking someone’s permission.  But when you are frustrated, sad or lonely, sometimes, just being with friends or anyone’s company is not enough.  Sometimes, you need a warm and strong embrace from the man you love.

Categories : My Thoughts