My friend invited me to attend the introduction to the Landmark Forum.  I have not seen her in a while so I decided to go.  I don’t really know what the landmark forum is but then, what do I have to lose?  So, I went and there I found out what it is - self-improvement seminar unlike the others we already know.  It does not add anything to our knowledge, instead it helps us realize what stops us from going after our dreams.  There, I was confronted with the question: What matters to you?  I guess, that goes with a follow up question - What are you doing to achieve it?

It helped me analyze the way I live my life.  What are the things that I want and why am I not getting those?  I know what I must achieve, what I must do but what stops me from doing it?  For instance, my ultimate goal is to achieve a more intimate relationship with God. I know I have to pray more.  I know that I have to put God first. But why am I not praying more?  Why do It put myself first?  Why don’t I wake up earlier so I can recite my morning prayer?  What stops me from going to confession?  I can say that I am busy but if I am really committed to that, what is 30 minutes?  What is an hour when I can spend more than 12 hours a day in the office?  Why do I stay in the office longer than I have to sometimes?

I have come to some realizations after that introduction session.  I have realized that somehow staying in the office is my security blanket.  I have realized how my childhood affected my perception.  I use to feel that my parents prefer to have my sister over me when I was a kid.  My sister and I live with our great aunts and whenever my parents bring my sister with them to our house, I feel that they love her more.  It somehow affected my perception.  In my relationships, I stive really hard so my partner will not leave me.  I strive hard to be everything for them because of my fear that they will always find someone better and leave me for her.  I talked to my parents about it and they explained to me that I am my lola’s favorite so if they take me, my lola will definitely be mad at them.  So, there goes my unfounded fear.

I also tend to procastinate a lot.  I know that procastination is a sin, it falls under sloth.  Yet, why do I procastinate?  What stops me?  Is it really just that or is there an underlying reason?

I am not yet convinced that I have to attend the landmark forum, thinking that I can “heal” on my own.  I am not sure if I am willing to spend Php25,000 for that.  But it did make a difference in the lives of those I met.  It also opened my eyes on certain things.  I will try to work on improving myself, with the things I have right now.  I can start by knowing what I want and working my way to get there.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey