I just read the article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about having a Joy List.  I ask myself, what makes me happy.  I actually don’t know.  Sometimes, it seems that my happiness just depends on one person - the man I love.  If he is happy, I’m also happy.  If he ignores me, then I become sad.  Whenever he treats me nicely, my heart is filled with joy.  Whenever he is mean to me, then my heart breaks into pieces.  I feel that somehow, I am losing myself.  Same goes with my job.  It seems that my work dictates me and it is not me who dictates my course at work.  It feels like I am doing things because they have to be done and if I don’t do it, things will get messed up.  In general, I am not really happy.  I am thankful that my life is good but I am not really happy.

What can make a person really happy?  I think it is the inner peace that we have.  Our relationship with God and other people.  I want to pray more because when I pray, I feel a different peace, a different kind of happiness.  I feel serene.  I want to help other people.  It pains me whenever I hear stories of people giving up on their dreams or those people who find it hard to make ends meet.  It pains me whenever I hear other companies terminating their employees to cut cost.  It hurts me when I hurt other people, even if it is the right thing to do.  It makes me sad to see other people suffering or unhappy.  It hurts me when I think that the man I love does not care about me.

What can make me happy at this point in my life?  I don’t really know.  That is if you define happiness in a deeper sense of the word.  Yet, you will still see me smiling.  I smile whenever I see people happy.  I smile when I see people reaching for their dreams and being able to reach it.  I smile when I do something good.  Those are the instances when I can say that I am happy.  But somehow, some part of me bleeds for I don’t know where I am going.  The company is growing really fast and I am letting that growth dictate my course.  Instead of me holding the steering wheel, it is the company that steers my life.  I feel like I am a puppet and the puppet master at the same time.  I hold the strings but the strings dictate my movements but I cannot set myself free coz if I do, my world will crash.

I don’t want to be consumed by this growth, instead, I want to hold the wheel.  I want to be on top of things and not let these things come on top of me.  It’s sad that you have to let go of something, to sacrifice something to achieve something.  In the end, I know I cannot have it all but if I had to choose - I would rather lose everything I have worked hard for than lose my soul.

Categories : Faith, My Journey