I use to feel secure about my job, my career.  In fact, you may say I thought this is my life.  I use to spend at least 12 hours in the office, work on weekends even when I am at home, think about work even when I am on vacation.  I would forgo of my break hours just to finish something.  I cancel meetings with my friends because something came up with work and I need to be there.  In short, my work is my life.

It was like that even in my previous company.  I make sacrifices so I can finish my work early, meet deadlines, etc, only to get burned out and demoralized later when I felt that my efforts were not being recognized.

I use to feel important at work.  My boss even tells me that I will inherit his position should he decide to retire already which is supposed to happen in about a year from now.  I have grown with the company.  I needed to catch up and I was able to deliver without any training.  My boss use to see that.  He use to tell me that I am good at what I do.  Now, he is telling me I am too young.  He seem to overlook the things I have accomplished.  He does not seem to realize how I have grown.

I use to feel that I can tell him anything but now I feel that those days are over.  He teases me whenever he sees any manifestation of my authority, the authority he gave me.  He does not seem to remember that he was the one who told me what I can do and cannot do, what I can say and cannot say and what I can decide on.  I am beginning to question my own worth.  I am beginning to feel unimportant.  Makes me ask myself if I have become too proud.  It was so easy for others to negotiate about their salary but it feels so difficult for me.  He makes me feel that I am asking too much though I know that I deserve that.  I know what I have accomplished, I know the weight of my responsibilities and it is as heavy as those whose salary is much higher than mine.  I hate to compare and I hate asking for something.  I have always believed that if I deserve it, it will be voluntarily given to me.  Honestly, I feel scared.  I feel so uncertain coz he might have said something now then change it tomorrow.

I don’t know if I am still supposed to be here.  Perhaps, I am not.  I hate working just for the sake of money.  I don’t work for money.  I don’t work for the sake of working.  Yet, with all these things I am feeling I feel like I don’t belong here anymore but I cannot leave because I am not financially ready and I hate the feeling that this seem to be the only thing that stops me from leaving.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey