Sigh…. I know I cannot bring back the past but I can do something about the present and the future.  I know I said a lot of things.  I was jealous, I was insecure.  Let me tell you the story, how I felt, what I thought.

It was January when you said you will tell me something.  Those words helped me loosen up, put down my defenses and fall for you for I felt that you feel the same way.  What we have is something so “natural” as you called it before.  It felt so good that I got scared.  Scared that it will end.  Scared that I only see what I want to see, feel what I want to feel.  I had been fooled before, and this time I need your assurance.  I needed to hear it from you.  I needed your confirmation.

Months passed.  You never said the words I wanted to hear.  Though I felt it, that what we have is true, I never wanted to really believe it. So when you do something or say something, I had to have two interpretations - one is positive and the other, negative.  Until I leaned towards the negative because you never confirmed anything.  I started to feel insecure and started looking for answers.  Then came your friend who tells me things, give me information about you.  I thought talking to him will make things better.  That through him, I will find the answer. How I wished he would confirm all the good things I know about you.  I hoped he will say that you love me too and that he sees that.  But it was the opposite.  He filled my mind with lies.  I don’t know how it started but I began to believe him more than you.

It started with Jen, then Tanya, then other girls.  He started by telling me that you have time for them and if I am of any importance, you will find time for me as well.  I already had that unwanted thought, something that I wanted to avoid but having someone to confirm it with you makes a lot of difference.  Then, the thought that you don’t need me anymore because you already got what you wanted, yet you cannot let go of me completely because you might have a need for me again soon.   He made me believe that you don’t care and he did it in such a way that seem so innocent and noble.  Believe it or not, I tried to defend you in almost all occasions.  I tried to tell him that you will not and cannot do that to me.  But he tells me those things with such conviction.  He said those things as if he was really sure and that he is only telling me those because he cares about me.  He even showed me snippets of your conversations which I now know could be about a totally different topic.

Then came Hershy.  He tried to convince me that you are together.  With some twist of fate, I saw your friendster profile when you changed your status from complicated to single, and she changed hers from complicated to in a relationship. Then, I told your friend about it. Trying to justify that you are not together coz why would I allow you to say you’re single when we are in a relationship together?  Then, he showed me your pictures together.  I said Hershy is your ex.  He insisted that you are still together.   That you will just hurt me.  That you just used me.  Deep inside, I believed your explanations.  I have always believed that you are a good person and if you will ever get involved with someone, you will tell me.  I believed that you will not hurt me.  I believe that even when he said those things but he made me feel so stupid for believing that.  I was vulnerable.  I was so confused that I had to distance myself from both of you.  Your efforts to get in touch were subtle, his was rather bold.  He was so persistent, he seemed so hurt and I felt so guilty.

I trusted him only because you trusted him as well.  Yet, he betrayed us both.  I just can’t believe someone can do such things to someone.  Ang galing nya sa emotional blackmail.  He always made me feel guilty pag di ko sya pinapaniwalaan at feeling ko ang tanga tanga ko pag naniwala ako sayo kasi para sa kanya niloloko mo lang ako.  Pinapasakay mo lang ako.  He made me think that you are a scheming bastard who will not stop at anything just to get what he wants.  He will use people and have no mercy in hurting them just to get to what he wanted.  In my heart, I know you are good.  But his words are like poison, trying to destroy everything we had.

Now that everything is clear, I just feel so guilty for hurting the only man I love.  I feel so guilty for hurting you.  I feel so stupid for falling into that trap.  Naniniwala naman ako sayo pero everytime na sasabihin ko sa kanya yun sasabihin nya sa akin, kayang kaya ka talaga niya.  Kanina ikaw ang tama ngayon mali ka na.  Ang talino mong tao pero pagdating sa kanya, wala ka.  Hayaan mo, gagawan ko ng paraan magkalapit kayo pero di ka naman gusto nun.  Sinabi nya sa akin, di daw sya nagagandahan sayo.  Sabi nya, dun ka na lang daw. Itutulak ka daw nya dun, sana daw mainlove ka dun para wala na syang problema sayo.  What’s the point of talking to him, idedeny lang naman nya yun.  Kukuha ako ng ebidensya para wala na syang excuse, just give me time.  Papatunayan ko sayo na sila talaga ni Hershy.  I only want to protect you from him.  Masasaktan ka lang sa kanya.  Hearing those words from the only person na malapit sayo bukod sa akin at such a vulnerable state, it makes you insane.  You get caught in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts when you believe in one thing, doubt one thing, hurt by something, elated by something. Ang hirap and you don’t seem to care.  Naputol din kasi yung communication natin nung time na yun.  Kasalanan ko din kasi I was too pushy, lagi akong nagdududa, lagi kitang inaaway.  I was venting all those frustrations and confusion on you.

I am not writing this to justify my actions.  I just wanted you to understand what I had been through.  I have my fears and he was able to capitalize on that.  I was vulnerable.  I was confused.  Sana, we can start over.  Sana mahal mo pa ako.  I love you and even if you don’t love me now, I just can’t stop loving you.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey