About a year ago, he left. I didn’t see it coming. I thought it was meant to last forever. Yet, it ended and I had no choice but to move on. Then, we met. I never really expected anything from that meeting. It was just that - a rather weird interview. I was given a direct order to keep the interview short since the only purpose of the interview is to gauge what type of people will apply for that new position that we have. The deal was not close yet so we cannot really spend too much time on it. So, I was doing the interview conscious of two things - that I must keep it short but still get an idea on the type of person you are and the type of skills you have and at the same time since you look nice, my boss will surely tease me when he sees you. He enters the conference room, get some water and I was speechless. I don’t know how to keep the interview short, I have no idea which questions should be removed from my list of questions. I was so spaced out that you ended up asking the questions. In the end, I didn’t get a lot of information and the interview became the longest interview I have ever done - co z I was not the only one doing the interview. Yet, I must say it was quite an interesting one.

So, the interview was over. A month after, the deal was closed and I had to invite you again for another interview. In between your first and your second interview, I was trying to live a new life. Closing deals, traveling around, try to see my friends more often. In general, I was trying to have some fun and enjoying my “singleness”. Then, your next interview date came and you did not show up. Not that I know you well but based on the last interview, you did not seem to be the type of person who will not show up on an interview. You even texted me during the weekend before your first interview just to ask if you can submit your portfolio prior to the interview. I was in Baguio at that time and though you do not really need to submit prior to your interview, if I was in Manila I would have dropped by the office just to meet with you. If you will ask why, it was perhaps because you seem to be eager and I cannot turn down someone with such eagerness.

Your second interview was supposed to be on a Monday, December 10, 2007 yet you did not show up. That same evening, I got an email from my ex. In that email, he said that he loves me and he wants me back. That he regrets leaving me and that he will do anything to have me back. I was on tears. I was disgruntled. I was confused. I was so lost that I chose not to come to work the following day. I talked to God and asked Him what He wants me to do. I was praying to Him and asking Him that if I will ever fall in love again, let it be with the man who will love me and never leave me. Then, I got a message from you, asking when your next interview will be and that you got a call but the caller did not confirm the schedule. I needed company then andt somehow, I felt that you are the answer to my prayer. So, I rescheduled the interview the next day, telling you that I am on leave and that I am sick. You replied and that was the beginning of our friendship.

Your second interview is the total opposite of your first. Well, I must say when I saw you at the door of the office I felt like you were not the guy I remember from the first interview. Then, again your interview with my general manager was the shortest interview ever. It was short but he said that you are the perfect guy for the job and that he even told me that you are cute and that I should use my position to get to you. I was just smiling. Everything seem to fall into place.

There were exchanges of text messages, IM messages, pictures, phone calls. It was all great in the beginning and it is making me scared. Time passed. My ex still wants me back but now that you are here, he has no place in my life anymore. Not that I am in love with you already but you opened my eyes to more possibilities. You got me convinced that I am better off without him. As we get closer, the more I become scared. I wanted to k eep my distance but you seem to pull me closer. Remember when I removed your number from my phonebook so I won’t contact you? You made me feel guilty for doing that and it seems that you were also hurt when I did that. Remember when I removed your comment in Friendster? I had to do it coz it gives me too much hope on what we can become. But you said you put so much effort on writing it and it is really so mean of me to remove it. Remember when I told you that I don’t want to fall in love again coz I don’t want to get hurt again? You said I should read angel ivan. That I should not be afraid to take risks.

I can never forget that day when we met at Mini Stop. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend that night and I was running late. Yet, you were so persistent and told me that it would only take 15 mins. You were laughing when I told my friend that I have a client and that I will leave in 5 mins. By the way, you bought a Hershey drink then…. It was a short meeting but it was fun.

Then, February 4, 2008 came. Your first client interview. We had dinner at McDonalds then. By then, you already know a lot about me. My past, my deepest secret. I know some of those were not that acceptable but I wanted you to fall for me knowing that. I wanted you to fall in love with the whole me - flaws and all. I felt your acceptance, it seems alright. You even gave me some advice and that I should not be insecure. I should never pity myself for what happened. Slowly, my defenses are falling and you seem to encourage that. I am not sure but there was even a time when I thought I heard you say I love you before I hang up. Then, when I told you that there is only a five month probation period you said “I love you na yan” and even repeated it a lot of times. So, your interview did not go well. You seem to be too nervous that you can hardly express yourself. I was rather disappointed. I feared that you will not get the job. I was saddened by the thought that our friendship might end and I might lose you completely. You were also very disappointed. I could feel it, I could see it I wanted to hug you, but I know I cannot do that. That night, you went away and I fear that things will never be the same. Yet, I got a message from you, asking me to go online so we could chat.  Then, you told me how disappointed you were and that you felt that you failed me and my boss.  How I wished I can give you a hug to comfort you.

So I prayed that night.  I prayed hard.  I asked God for His will to unfold.  If we are meant for each other, you will get that job.  But if not, I pray that I will be able to forget you soon.  I asked Him to protect my heart, never to let it be broken again.  Then, we waited.  As we wait, we have become close friends and you knew about my feelings.  It became more and more difficult for me to wait.  I asked you to just cancel your application coz I fear for my own feelings.  I wanted to run away from you but I just cannot bring myself to do so.  I know that will be harder to do when you get accepted in the job.  I sent you information on job openings in other companies but I don’t think you ever applied to any of those.  I often ask you to tell me how you feel about me, but you won’t.  Yet, you promised to tell me soon after you are accepted for the job.

February 20, 2008, you were offered the position.  February 29, 2008, you came to my apartment for my birthday celebration.  You made me feel that what we have is something real.  March 10, 2008, you started working in our company.  That night, we went out for a walk and I had to return to the office afterwards but you did not join me.  That night, I sent you a message saying that what we have is really very one sided.  The following morning, you said that it was not your intention to do that.  You were just protecting me from gossips.  That I am the HR Manager and what would people think when they see us together on your first day at work.  You even said something about Koreanovelas.  So, I forgave you.

As days pass by, it became harder for me to wait.  Yet, when I ask you, you always tell me that I should be patient.  That you want to get settled first.  One day, we had our talk again and you told me that you don’t want to hit the tiger when it’s weak.  That my website and the banner beside you (both about weddings) is trying to say something.  That I am not the only one with shit in my past.  That you don’t want me te be sad.  You said, I should take it easy.

Whenever I ask you to tell me how you feel, you will say be patient.  Whenever I ask you if you miss me, you just smile.  It is so easy to say no.  I had been asking for that but never did.  Whenever I get jealous, you actually try to defend yourself and explain as if I have the right to confront you about it.  There was even a time when you tell me that I am your close friend and lahat lahat na nga.  What do you mean by that?  Are you just trying to be a gentleman?  Do you think that by not telling me, I will just give up one day and you won’t have to feel guilty for telling me that there is nothing there?  But why do you tell me your problems that you said no one else but me knows about?  Is that a mere drama so I won’t push you further to tell me how you feel?  But why do you only open up to me, as what you claim to do?

It all started so great.  I felt that God answered my prayer but as I wait for you to confirm that, I know I did some things that I was not supposed to do.  Somehow, I am to blame for driving you away.  But you also have your faults.  I guess, we sort of messed up God’s plan for us.  Or perhaps, that is all there is.  In the beginning, I was so convinced that you are the one.  Now, I am confused.  Perhaps, I got it all wrong.  Perhaps, you were just there for a reason - that is to help me recover from my pain.  Now, after one year, my wounds should have been healed.  You have served your purpose and now you have to go.

After seeing your picture with Hershey, I don’t know what to think anymore.  When you said she is just a friend, I wanted to believe you even if the picture s said a different story.  But when you deleted me from your Friendster list, that means something.  I had to keep my distance.  I had to heal my wounds.  I had been badly bruised for I felt that you fooled me.  I felt that you have betrayed me and used me.  So, it had to end.  I am letting go now and letting God.  I will not do anything to have you back.  I will not say a word to you, except those that I am required to.  I will back off.  Anyway, I guess this is the best way for me to prove what I mean to you.  If I am of any importance, you will reach out.  I am keeping my distance not because of my pride.  I am keeping my distance because I want to know what I mean to you.  If you will reach out to me, that will be great.  If you will not, then I guess I will just continue doing what I am doing right now.  As I keep my distance physically, I am also trying to take my heart back from you.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey