Who said this is going to be easy?  Right now, tears still fall from my eyes realizing that I might have completely lost you after last night.  I love you too much to really want to drive you away.  But what can I do?  I am hurting myself as much as I hurt you.  I am hoping that by doing this, I will find myself again.  Maybe when I do, it will be easier for both of us.  Who wants to be insecure?  Who wants to be jealous?  When I am with you, all I want to do is give you a hug and make you smile but it’s not what is happening right now.  Guilt is getting the best of me, insecurity overwhelms me.  Yet, I am afraid it has already met an end even when we have not even started.  I am afraid that I have lost you forever and it is during those moments that I begin to regret what I did last night.  But when I realize what I have done and why I did it, I know that I did the right thing somehow.

I don’t ever want to lose you but the more I hold on, the more I drive you away.  So perhaps, when I keep my distance, you will pull me near again.  I also want to resolve this issues I have.  When you came, I have not fully recovered my confidence.  After being dumped by someone you love for the longest time, it is just so hard to believe in your own worth again.   It is not true that I am still in love with my ex.  Since I started falling for you, his memories had been burried deeper than you can imagine.  I cannot even imagine how he looks like anymore.  Yes, he had played a rather big part of my life and I still remember things about him but you are the ones occupying my thoughts from day in to day out.

I will never say sorry for the things I said.  I say those from the heart.  I will try my best to let the wounds heal as fast as possible.  Perhaps, when I feel better about myself you will come back to me again.  I felt that you love me somehow.  I am not dense.  But I guess after the pains that I had been through, I just find it so hard to believe that I had to hear you say it.  Perhaps, I wanted more than what you give that in the end, I lost everything.  I love you, I love you and I never want to lose you but first, I need to learn to love myself again.  You said that I am selfish. I never thought I am.  Perhaps, you mistook my insecurity as selfishness.  That I cannot fully understand.  I hope someday we can be together again.  If not, that only means that we are not meant for each other…. but God knows how I badly I want us to be together for the rest of our lives.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey