I never really wanted to write again and say the same story.  Well, I really hope this will not end up as the other stories in my life or should I say, I hope this part will never end.  I met him in the office.  I probably met him there because I will not even pay attention if I met him elsewhere.  I would probably not even give him a second glance.  He will probably do the same with me.  It is not really his looks that drew me to him.  It is more on his personality, his smile.  The way he smiles at me in the morning and ask if I practice not smiling in front of a mirror because I am good at it.  The way he said I should learn to smile more often.  The way he ask why I am smiling.  The way we end up laughing after we share our frustrations to each other.  The way he makes me realize a lot of things and the comfort I feel when he is around.  To sum it up, it is more of his personality and how his personality complements mine that has drawn me close to him.  I don’t even know how it happened.  It probably got ignited during that first dinner with the team or when he said he came to the Philippines when he learned that I am there.

We just click, you can probably say that.  There is an air between us that actually draws us together.  I tried to stop myself from feeling this way.  I am not sure if I want to fall in love again and I know for sure that there are a lot of risks involved when I fall in love with you.  But one thing I haven’t really mastered is trying not to fall in love because the more I tried not to, the more I fall.  I did try not to fall for you and until now, I am still trying.   It has been a daily struggle.  Unlike the others, I cannot just pull you out of my life when I want to or when I have become too scared.  Pulling you out has a lot of implications - is this part of the master plan?  Now, you seem to be in my mind almost all the time.  I am starting to dream of being wrapped in your arms to feel that warmth and security that your embrace brings.  I probably am even dreaming of your kiss every now and then - though this is something I immediately brush off my thoughts.

I don’t know where life will take us.  As you said, everything happens for a reason.  I don’t know what reason God has for bringing you into my life.  I probably won’t be able to know either.  You are leaving in two months and until now, you are still not sure if you are coming back or not.  I am scared that if I fall for you now and you decided not to come back, I will be left here all broken again.  Or what if I am just making up these things in my head - the feeling that we seem to have for each other?

I definitely do not want to fall in love with someone who does not love me in return.  It is just too painful.  I cannot bear to feel that pain again.  Please, not again…

Categories : My Journey