I knew you will expect me to write on this blog and you are right.  Yet, I don’t know where to start.  My mind is a bit numb right now as if it does not want to think.  Perhaps, this had been one of the toughest decisions I had to make so far… to let go.  To set myself free from this bondage.  My heart is asking me to give you more time to think about it, not to lose hope on us but I just can’t do that anymore.  I can’t live my life waiting for you.  I know you never asked me to wait but you knew that I was waiting and you did nothing. How many times have I begged you to tell me regardless but you never did.  How many months have I waited for that letter that you deliberately did not give me?  I never asked you to love me.  All I asked for you to tell me how you feel.  If you don’t care about me, then fine.  I will just move on.  But if you do, why did you let me feel this way?  What are you afraid of?  Weren’t you the one who said I should not be afraid to take the risk?  I took the risk, why can’t you?  Am I not good enough?  Is my love not enough?  The more I wait for you, the more I feel less of myself.  The more I feel insecure that I tend to compare myself with every girl who comes close to you and the more I do that, the more I hated myself for the things I did in the past.  The more I feel inadequate.  The more it hurts.

When we met, everything seem to fall into place.  But it seems that when you have come close enough to see my flaws, you turned away.  I never meant to be jealous.  I hate that kind of feeling.  I hate being tormented by those thoughts.  Yet, when I met you I was also in the process of redeeming myself, of starting to believe in myself again.  When he left, I felt so low, so inadequate, so unworthy of anyone.  I blamed myself, I felt that I am not good enough.  When you came, I began to believe in myself again but when you began to turn away, I lose that confidence again.  Each day, I try harder and harder to be better for you.  To be worthy of your love.  Maybe, if I look like the girls you have in friendster, maybe you will also give me some attention.  Maybe if I dress up like them, you will also look at me.  Maybe when I do my job well, you will be proud of me.  Maybe when I do this you will like me. But I never see that in you, you never did.

When I said, I am doing this for you, it is true.  Yet, I now know that I am doing this more for myself.  I love you and there’s no doubt about that.  Although, I had been praying for this love to go away… just like the way I asked you to get away from me in the beginning coz I am afraid I might fall in love with you.  But this had to end somewhere.  I know I have made my mistakes but you have to admit that you also have a fair share on this.   I don’t know if you can ever love me or if anyone else can love me.  I guess I just have to live with that.  Just like what you said, accept whatever happens.  I guess this is it.  You can never love me and I just have to accept that.  My heart is crying again, saying there is hope…. I have hoped for this love for so long and it is surprising that there is still some hope left after all.  Let me just say goodbye now… who knows, it may become see you later or welcome back?  I can never tell but now, all I can say is goodbye and take care.

I never asked you to love me but it i human to hope that you will love me back.  I know it is not your intention to hurt me nor do this things to me.  I also hope that you realize that it was never my intention to hurt you or anyone else.  This is just between you and me, some know about this and that but still, this is between you and me.  Whoever is hurt, whoever it is that got hurt in the process it was not my intention to hurt them nor have them involved.  Sharing is different from involving.  Seeking for advice is different from having a person get involved.  All these things, all is just between you and me.  So if this should end, this is my pain and this is my heart and no one else’s.  It is my heart that will break.  It is my heart that will feel the pain.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey