I held his hand and look into his eyes. I tried to make him understand that I had to do it and that it doesn’t mean that it’s the end of US. I tried to show him that it hurts me as much as it hurts him… or perhaps even more. Yet, he still cried and I also could not help but let my tears flow. It broke my heart but I knew I had to do it. For me, for him, for us. I thought love would be enough but it was not. I knew that sooner or later there will be other issues so we better address it now than later. In my mind, I am thinking that if we part ways, he will try harder to have me back. That our parting will make him grow which never happened when we were together because I am always there for him. Yet, he did not grow the way I wanted him to. He did not grow…. only the gap between us and it was filled by another woman. So, I had to pull him back. Begged him to return. He did, but things changed.

This time, I tried harder to make him stay. This time, I want him nearer. This time, faith has gone frail and trust is weak. Yet, love is still there. Perhaps, stronger than before or perhaps we just thought it is still there. It went on for years and years. I held on to the relationship that I thought I wanted. I tried to keep him even if there are times when it feels that I am the only one fighting to keep the relationship. I held on, sometimes too tightly and sometimes too loose. When it’s too tight, he will say that he feels suffocated. When it’s too loose, he will say that I am turning cold. Yet, I don’t know how to make it just right. All I wanted was to make him happy and be everything that he needs. Then, he met someone else and left. I was broken. I was shattered.

I tried hard to have him back. I did things no one could have thought I can. But I thank God for showing me the way. Angels came and gone, guiding me in every step. When I have gone far, he returned. He wanted me back. Telling me how sorry he is and that he made a mistake when he left. I got confused. Then, I looked back at what I have gone through. I am tired. I am tired of filling his gaps. Tired of taking the blame. Tired of understanding why he cannot give me as much love or just a part of the love I am giving him. Tired of hoping that he will spare me some of his time. Tired of waiting for him to grow. I am tired of loving him.

Now, it is goodbye. No looking back, no bitterness. It’s something bound to happen. No matter how I tried to stop it, it still happened. Now, it is also what keeps my hopes up. What is meant to happen will happen… and I believe that something great is bound to happen to me.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey