I had been thinking a lot lately on how I can speed up the process of my recovery. Well, I guess the first step is to know myself. When we are in a relationship, we tend to identify ourselves with our partners. We view ourselves based on how our partner sees us. Then, they left and our perception of ourselves also crashes. We feel unworthy and insecure. Thus, I believe that the first step to recovery is to find ourselves - who we really are and what we really want.

First, ask yourself - what are my good points? Since this is my journey, let me answer this question - walang kokontra ha. hahaha…. I don’t want others to say that I am boasting or anything like that, but I am just trying to assess myself as honestly as possible. I can say that I have a pretty good memory - for people, events, phone numbers, things, etc. In school, this had been my asset I guess, so in spite of not really studying hard, I was able to pass it - sometimes, with flying colors. I think, I am also resourceful, I always have a contingency plan. If something does not work, I try to find other ways. A lot of people say I’m smart, well, who am I to disagree? I am also quite analytical and I can see based on the people’s faces, small gestures and words, if they are lying or not (in most cases, i guess). I can also say that I am loyal and responsible - to friends, company, family, and boyfriend (when I still have one). I try to keep my close friends at a manageable number - in this way, I don’t neglect any of them and I can be available when they need me. Honesty is one of my virtues, I gues. I am a very transparent person and in most cases, I really can’t stand lying. I love indulging my loved ones needs and wants. Never akong nagtipid for my loved ones - ask my sister. Whenever my sister tells me she wants to buy something, or whenever my dad says he wants something, my answer is always a yes, why not buy it. I want those I love to be happy and satisfied, that if I can do something to make them happy, I will do it. I want birthdays and special occasions to be really special - I am one of those people who will really feel bad when you don’t greet me on my birthday. Perhaps, it is because I try to make each birthday a celebration you will remember for the rest of your life. I love with no limits, with no exceptions.

Anything done excessively, no matter how good it is, becomes bad. One of my greatest weakness, is that I expect too much from people. Because I am responsible or because I learn things easily, I also expect others to do the same, leaving me frustrated. I also have a short temper sometimes, especially when I’m stressed or I didn’t get enough sleep. I’m also not very organized, though I know my own mess, it would have been easier if I get to organize my things well. One reason for this is that because I am obsessive-compulsive (not clinically) - I am a control freak. If I try to organize something, it will consume too much time and energy which I don’t really ehave, same with cleaning. So now, I let my sister and my mom do the organizing and the cleaning hehe… Sometimes, I get overly emotional that I tend to act on impulse and not based on reason. Because of the flood of emotions, I often mistaken one emotion as something else and because of my transparency, the other person will definitely know about it. By doing so, I was hoping I can understand my feelings more, not realizing that I only make myself more vulnerable and prone to trouble. I sometimes spend too much - my vices include taking a cab, buying clothes and accessories that I won’t even wear. I am also quite lazy, but I hate mess so when I see that my place is not clean and no one else will clean it, I will surely do it.

What I want in life? That is something I have already written somewhere in this blog. I want to live in a house surrounded by trees and plants, a playground where I can play with my kids, a garden where I can relieve my stress, and a farm to support our needs. A computer where I can write beautiful stories and internet connection to stay in touch with the world. A husband who loves God above all, and me and his kids next. Kids who are healthy and beautiful. A business that earns enough to support our needs and some of our wants. This is my dream, a quiet and simple life.

After analyzing yourself - strengths and weaknesses, dreams and aspirations, you can now start appreciating yourself and loving yourself even more. Knowing your strengths, you will realize that he was a fool when he left you. Knowing your weaknesses, start improving yourself and conquerinmg your weaknesses - but don’t expect this to happen overnight. It takes time, but now you have something to work on. Virginity can somehow be an issue for some of us. Yet, it is just one part of yourself. If you will do a mathematical computation, perhaps, virginity is only 1% of your entire self.  I am not saying that you should lose your virginity.  It is always ideal if you keep it until you are married but if a guy cannot love you and accept you just because you have lost that 1%, then he is not worthy of the 99%.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey