It had been over two months since we parted ways.  It had been hard at first.  I have loved you for so long and built my world around you and our dream - or my dream.  I have built my life around that dream that one day, we will face God and make a promise.  I waited and prepared for that day for four years, not realizing that that day will come when you will be gone.  I never realized that you will leave me until that day - September 12, 2007, around lunch time.  My world crashed and I felt like dying.  I cried myself to sleep, cried myself for hours until my eyes get swollen and there’s no more tears left.  I cried at each thing that reminded me of you. 

Now, those days are over.  I thought it will take years for me to get over the pain I felt then.  But God has been so good to me that He made me recover faster than I can imagine.  Now, I am living my life the way I want it, doing things I was not able to do when we were together - not because you stopped me from doing so but because I chose to be with you than to be with my friends.  I chose to be left behind so I can save for our dates.  I was saving all my time, energy, and sometimes even money for you.  Now, I am spending it all for myself.  I am trying to live my life to the fullest - without you in it.

Recently, I heard from your dad that your relationship with that other girl is over.  I really don’t know what to feel or how I’d react so I chose to feel numb.   I heard that you are crying, that she hurt you.  I heard that you begged her to stay - something that you did for me when our relationship was also quite new.  I never prayed for this to happen to you.  I never wished for anything like this to happen.  But somehow, at the back of my mind, I felt that you deserve it.  Now, you know how it feels to be hurt.  Perhaps, next time, you will think twice before you make a decision that will hurt someone.

People ask me how I’d feel or react when I see you again.  Honestly, I don’t know.  But one thing is certain, I no longer want to spend my life with you.  I no longer want to go through the same pain that you have put me through - twice.  I no longer want to fall for you again and experience the pain of betrayal.  I have loved you with my all, I gave you my best but it wasn’t good enough for you when I loved you at your worst and accepted you for all that you are and all that you are not.  It is over Omar, it should have been over long time ago if my love was not strong enough and endured that long.  Now, my heart has gone tired of loving you.  It is tired of beating just for you.  It is now time to love myself and be loved the way I deserved to be loved.  For I know, I can love this much again, perhaps even more, but no one else can love you as much as I loved you.  I guess, what is happening now is just one great proof of that.

Categories : My Thoughts, My Journey