My sister was a bit sick for a couple of days and my parents decided to bring her home to the province leaving me alone in my apartment.  It was actually perfect timing since I felt that I needed some time alone to think about what I really want and also to get that taste of complete independence once more.  These past few months or probably years, my mother had been giving me too much attention that although I can do things on my own, I sort of let her do it since it seem to make her happy and give her a sense of purpose.  So, I was alone for a week in my apartment, cooking, cleaning a bit, coming home and having to do everything by myself.  It was a good feeling, just looking after myself and not thinking about anyone else.  Of course, my mother keeps on calling me at night just to check if I am home but that’s it.  It felt like I am free.

The week went by quickly.  It was both boring and fun and tiring all at the same time.  My mom even asked me if I am not scared.  I guess she never really learned that I am not scared of anything that can destroy the body but that which can destroy my soul.   I can risk being physically hurt but I cannot let anyone or anything destroy my spirit.

There were times when loneliness creep in.  I guess, I am starting to realize how I really feel about one person and it is scary.  It is a mixture of feeling happy, scared, and sad at the same time.  I am happy when I am with him.  His presence gives me a sense of security.  Feeling secured that someone understands how I feel, where I am coming from, my frustrations, my happiness.  He makes me smile.  His smile is so contagious that I cannot help but smile when he smiles a me even if I don’t really feel like it.  Scared because there are too many things at stake.  It is a rather complicated situation.  And sad that no matter how good it feels, no matter how right it seems, something tells me to stop because of the risks that goes with it.  Sad to think that when I feel that I finally found someone who perfectly suit me, I have to give it up because it seems to be the right thing to do.

I am turning 31 soon and the first question that people ask me when I meet them is if I am married already, why I am not married and when I am going to get married.  I hate it when they ask me that question.  If I know the answer, then I would have been happier and maybe I am already with someone.  I am not sure if God wants me to be married, maybe He does or maybe He does not.  I guess, only time can answer that question.  I just pray that if this man is not the one, I hope God will take him out of my life soon.  I cannot face another round of loving, hoping and losing.  My heart seem so weak now and it cannot take another fall, another hurt.  I guess, all I can do is pray and wait for God’s will to unfold.

Categories : Faith, My Journey