I think that is what makes people strive harder and harder to gain more money or gain more power.  The good but empty feeling.  The emptiness drove them to strive for more, thinking that the emptiness will be gone as they go on.  They never stopped to realize that the emptiness will not be filled with more money or more power.  Like animals, they fight to get a bigger part of their share.  They drove away those who are weak.  They step over those who fall.  Not realizing that if only they help those weak get their share.  If only they stop to help those who fell to stand up again.  If they will only stop to realize what was really missing, they will realize that getting more will not fill the emptiness but love.

In my journey, I have come to realize that only in giving will I find fulfillment and contentment.  Only in helping will I find joy.  Seeing the faces of the people whom I have helped one way of another fills my heart with an overflowing joy.  Hearing the words thank you makes me feel that it is all worth it.  Gaining new friends fill the emptiness I use to feel before.

I am not saying I am perfect and that I never trample on the weak in my entire life.  All I am saying is that, now that I have come to realize these things, I have become more sensitive to my own actions. Whenever I feel that I am trying to get more than my share, I stop and ask myself what I will gain from getting more and most of the time, the answer is none.  What profits a man when he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?  Nothing.  I would rather lose this world than lose my soul.

I grew up in a Catholic family.  My great aunts, with whom I grew up with, were churchgoers and they sort of force me to go to mass with them.  Then there is also the evening prayers, the rosary, the chapel visits every May to bring flowers.  There are also the prayer for the souls in purgatory, the no-taking-a-bath on Good Friday, no pork and no meat Lenten.  I use to dread all those, stopped practicing all those things when I had a chance, and even said that they were not in the Bible anyway.

Then, I went to a Catholic school in college.  They taught us about the different religions.  I was even fascinated with Buddhism.  I almost went to an Iglesia ni Kristo church.  I attended Bible studies under the protestant church.  Went out with a Seventh Day Adventist, and almost went to their church.  I did not eat pork for about a year during the time when we were dating.  I then got into a relationship with someone from Dating Daan.  I did not go to church for years and I probably would have gone searching for the right church until my brother entered the seminary under the Alliance of the Two Hearts.

Even after my brother has entered, I still went on with my promiscuous life.  Materialism and other worldly things succumbed me.  Until that day when I went to a test I never even imagined would happen to me.  I thought I was too smart for that.  You will probably say that after going through the test, I would have become a better Catholic but I was not.  I still went on.  Everytime I will come from  a retreat, I will be good but days after that, I will be back to my old life again.  There are things that I never understood and if I don’t understand something, then you cannot really expect me to believe and follow. Until I have encountered another problem, probably the worse I had been through.  My boyfriend left me for another woman and I was so broken.  I was too proud to accept that someone has fallen out of love for me and has chosen someone else whom in my opinion, is a lot less than I am.  From that brokenness, I found healing.  After I became so broken that my God started fixing me.  If you have been reading my blog, you would have seen my long journey.

Slowly, God has started making me understand the value of the things He taught us through the Catholic church.  Now, I believe in the mass, the rosary, the prayers, the rituals.  No matter how much my mind rejects some of the things I learned, my heart keeps telling me that I am at the right track.  That I have never felt at peace until now.  The teachings were not easy but I surely believe they are from Jesus.

Let me try to explain some things and I hope you will understand but believe me, you will only do once you opened your heart.  It is like love, you just know you found the one.

I go to mass to be with Christ, to commemorate the breaking of the bread which He did during the last supper.  The priest represents Christ and reminds us of how Jesus died for us.  It is a celebration of Christ’s death and resurrection.  It is in the Eucharist where Christ lives and when we take part of the communion, Christ starts living within us.  God is present in the Eucharist and I pray, whenever I take the communion for Him to be part of me, to stay with me and guide me through this pilgrimage.

The rosary is a contemplative prayer.  You pray each  mystery contemplating on the life and death of our Lord.  Some say it is repetitive prayer.  I have no argument about that.  But each bead of the rosary is a prayer offered for the salvation of souls in purgatory or here on earth.  It is like a sacrifice you offer God to save souls.

I use to think confession is useless and why would I even bother telling the priest about my sins when I can tell those to God directly.  Yet, come to think of it, would it not be so much better if God can tell you that you have been absolved from your sins?  He gave the disciples the power to absolve His people from their sins and the priests are His disciples.  I have gone to various confessors but only those from the Alliance made me feel that I am really talking to someone sent by God.

I use to just disregard the Blessed Mother.  Yet, come to think of it, if God wanted and needed to use her for Jesus to be born here on earth, why would He disregard her once her mission has been served?  Do you think God is someone who just casts out people or things that He no longer have use for? Of course not.  If God used Mary as a vessel for Christ for Him to be born here on earth, don’t you think she will also have the power to be the vessel to Christ now that He is in heaven? I do believe she does have the power to talk to Jesus and be our mediator. And when I talk to her, it is like I am talking to my mother asking her to ask my father a certain favor.  Don’t we all go to our mother in time of need?  Mary is our mother, our mother in heaven and she is always waiting for us to knock on her door and implore her mercy.

What about the statues?  If I remember it correctly, God did not want us to worship statues of animals and other creatures.  But do you think God will also not be happy if we worship an image of Him?  Jesus have become man, thus He has a face, a body, an image.  What is wrong with making images of Jesus according to His human form and have it as God’s representative, a reminder that God became man and is truly present? We do not worship the wood, the painting, the statues, we worship God represented by those statues.  It is not easy to believe in something we do not see and having something to show us that it is real even if it is just an image, a representation that is probably based on man’s perception, make it easier for us to believe.  It should not be the end though, it is meant to be something we can start with.  This may not be the stand of the Catholic Church but this is how I have come to accept and believe in the sacred art.

I have had a rough journey but it sure feels good to be home.  The Alliance teaches us of victimhood, of redemption, of a reparatory lifestyle.  That we can offer our actions to console our God.  Jesus has suffered enough and to console Him, we should all take our cross and walk with Him.  I will not lie and say that the cross does not scare me.  No man would probably want to suffer but if suffering will bring me to Jesus and will at least, lessen His pain, as a Catholic, I willingly accept it.  Like what St. Francis de Sales said: “Many would be willing to have afflictions provided that they not be inconvenience by them”.  I wish not to be one of those people for as St. John of the Cross said: Whoever does not see the cross of Christ doesn’t see the glory of Christ”.

I am Catholic and I will always be Catholic.

How can we stay friends after what happened?  After I admitted my feelings, how can we stay friends?  I cannot comprehend why you do this to me.  I told you that I wanted to keep some distance but you sort of invite me to have lunch with you.  We kept on going like nothing happened, like I didn’t make the biggest confession of my life.  Ah, maybe you don’t really feel anything that is why you can go on like this.  But what about me?  What about my feelings?  What if I really fall for you and as you said, I am not your type so there is no chance you will feel the same.  I am not sure how I can handle that.

I prayed to God to take you out of my life if we are not meant for each other.  But now that you are staying, I cannot really know for sure that we are meant to be together.  Maybe during the two months that you are gone, something will happen that will bring us apart.  Or maybe, I will meet someone who will protect me from falling for you.  Maybe, I will find the one for me. Maybe…..

I wonder what my life will be without you.  You keep on messing with my mind - both in a good and bad way.  I just talked to you this evening and it although the conversation did not really leave me feeling good, I was really thankful we had that conversation.  You asked me questions I never asked myself before but should have asked.  You made me think about who I am and what I can become.  I told you that it is always great to have a friend who challenges you to become a better person.  Then you told me that it is good to have someone with whom you can have discussions with and share your opinion with and even if you do not always agree, it only becomes challenging and not aggravated.

I guess these conversations made me think about you.  These are probably the reasons why you are always on my mind and even if I ask a doctor to remove you from my memory, I will always be drawn to you when you start talking.  As I keep on telling you, we share the same values.   I sometimes wonder where these conversations will lead us though.  Wherever that is, I am thankful that I have taken this journey.  I am thankful that I met you for you helped put my life into perspective.  I was looking the wrong way then.  I may not be doing perfectly now but I know I am making more progress now than before.

For all these things, I want to thank you and wherever you go, I will never forget you.

Well, my biggest worry is not really when you will leave but when you decide to stay.  Our friendship seem to be getting deeper and I am beginning to care for you more and more.  When you leave, I will probably be sad for a while.  I will miss you for sure.  I will miss the endless conversations we seem to have.  We never seem to run out of topics to talk about - whether it is just a stupid topic or something more profound.  But I know that when you leave, I can move on after a day or two.  Yet, if you stay, our friendship might even grow deeper that it may be harder for me to detach myself from you.  The attachment will grow stronger.  How would I feel when you start dating someone?  How would I feel when you have someone already and I am still alone?  It will feel like I have lost my bestfriend.  It will be more difficult to deal with than when you just leave now.  I can be possessive and jealous.  I will surely feel bad that my bestfriend is spending less and less time with me.

I saw you this evening and you showed me your gift for one of our officemates.  I felt jealous.  I thought I was special when you gave me a gift on my birthday but I guess, I wasn’t.  That was what’s on my mind when you showed me the gift.  You probably saw that in my face and immediately you said that you definitely gave me a bigger box of chocolates.  It is funny how you can read my thoughts.

I remember during our meeting when I smiled and you said, “I know that smile, that means you are smiling but you are not okay”.

I guess you know me more than anyone else, sometimes you seem to know me more than I know myself.  No matter what happened, I know that you will remain a special part of me.  I will never forget you in two weeks just like what you said.  I will probably never forget you at all.  How can I forget the only person with whom I was able to share all my thoughts without being judged?  How can I forget that person who showed me that part of myself that I have never seen before?  How can I forget all the conversations we had?  How can I forget the friend I have learned to love?

How deep is our friendship?  I don’t really know.  All I know now is that it is deep enough for me to confuse it with something romantic.  Deep enough to make me start thinking that if you are that important, maybe I am in love with you.  But not deep enough to make me feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

That day, you seem quite anxious.  I have never seen you look so sad and frustrated without telling me the reason.  That Friday, you just said that you are already tired and do not feel like working anymore but there are still some things that you need to do.  You were probably tired but I would like to think it is because you also have a lot to say but cannot say it.

The hardest thing I think is the fact that there are so many things I want to tell you but I cannot.  I wanted to tell you that I want to go with you.  I wanted to ask you and beg you to stay.  I wanted to tell you that I love you. I wanted to tell you that when you leave, my life will definitely be more difficult.  You made things easier to bear.  You made me see myself in a different light.  Made me believe in myself more.  You saw through me.  I wonder if you also saw how I really feel for you.  If you did, why won’t you tell me how you feel?  Or maybe, you just don’t feel anything so there is nothing to be said.

I am actually faced with a dilemma.  I know that if I tell you about my feelings, there is a chance that you will not speak with me again.  There is a chance that you will tell me that you feel the same.  I also know that if I don’t tell you my heart might explode any moment.  I know that if I don’t tell you there is a chance that I will regret it all my life.  Or maybe, I won’t.  Maybe I will be able to forget that you even exist after a couple of days.  But yes, let’s see what happens.  It has been a while since I feel this strong about someone.  You drive me nuts.  You made me see things differently.  You made me feel like I mattered and that I am good.

Let’s see what happens in the next couple of days.  Maybe you will say something, maybe you won’t.  I pray for God to guide me.

You just don’t know how bad I felt when you mentioned about your ticket back to your country.  How sad and jealous I was when you keep on saying her name and that you want to be with her during our out of town trip.  I don’t really know how I can get even or if I can ever make you feel the intensity of the feelings that I have when I don’t really know how you feel about me.

How I want to walk away or pull you out of my life right now.  I am falling so fast I am not sure if I can even stop myself from falling.  I tried to get hold of everything that I can hold on to just to stop this from happening.  I tried to revive the feelings that I no longer have for another man.  I tried to be closer to my other male friends hoping that I will soon feel something for any of them.  I tried not to speak with you but I know I just can’t.  If I can only walk away right now and not see you anymore, I will really do it.  If I can only resign from my job just so I will not be seeing you, I will.  But I have to stay for a while until that time when I know I can already fly.  There is really no way out but through flying.  If I will just walk, I will not reach a distance far enough to forget you.

I remember the movie, The Proposal.  There, Sandra said that she and Andrew were just two people who were not mean to fall in love but fell in love.  Sadly, for us, it is just one way.  I am just a person who is not supposed to fall in love but did.  I am not really sure if this is love already.  Far too soon to say that I am or should I say, far too scared to say that I am.

I remember you said you made some gestures for her to notice how you feel and I said women don’t really go for gestures, they need words.  Why are you telling me this?  You have no idea what goes to my mind when you did.  My chest almost burst with anger and jealousy that I had to talk to her and tell her you want her to join us tomorrow.  Probably not the best way to get even but definitely a way for me to see how serious you are.  You seem to be quite serious though and I guess, that made it more painful.

Tomorrow, I will see you again.  Not quite sure how I will be able to handle those two days with you.  I might get caught in a whirlwind of emotions and I hope the others will not notice it.  I just hope that at the end of those two days, my heart will not be too broken, not as broken as it is now.

I am experiencing a roller coaster of emotions and I am never really good at it.  I know that things will happen at the right time and if it is meant to happen, it will happen.  Although I also believe in crossroads and the outcome will depend on the choices that we make.  I don’t know what path I should choose.  It feels good to stay where I am right now but in front of me, I see the red light blinking, warning me that I should start moving otherwise, I will get stuck and something might hit me in the future - probably a train, a bus or a bike.  I won’t really know how much pain I will feel when that time comes and I am still here.  I am lucky if the pain is just like getting hit by a bike but what if it is a train?  Then, that will definitely leave me broken into bits.  C

I am not sure if anyone who reads this will even understand what I mean.  Well, I am not really writing much for an audience but more for myself.  Who cares if you do not understand?  Well, somehow I do.  But the purpose of this blog is for me to write and not really for anyone to read.   Well, before, the purpose is really to try to influence people and hopefully give hope and make some people believe in my God.  But in this particular period of my life, I cannot do that.  How can I give something that I do not have?  I am still lost, how can I give direction?  I am still broken, how can I help fix someone?  I am a work in progress.  Can you imagine, after all these years, I am still broken?  People, I think, are like that.  We are never really 100% okay.  For some, they are probably lucky to be at 99.99% okay but most of us are probably at around 80 or 90%.  But what is important is that we continue to grow.  Reading through my thoughts, I do not really know where I am heading.  I guess, things are finally unveiling themselves and I am beginning to either make sense or become even more nonsense.  Well, I am growing for sure.  I can say that I am a better person now compared to what I was when I started this blog.  I have done and thought of things that I never imagined I can do or even conceive.  God is with me and I think that is all the matters and He is definitely responsible for bringing me here.