It was November 2007 when we first met.  It was a rather strange meeting.  You were the interviewee and I was your interviewer.  You applied as a graphic designer in our company and I am the HR manager who do the screening of applicants.  The interview went well, in fact, it was a rather long interview coz we both asked each other questions related and unrelated to the objective of the interview.  It felt like we have something special.  Months passed and December came, it was your interview with our general manager.  You did not show up.  That night, I got an email from my ex, asking me to love him again.  Asking me to start over.  I felt so confused and needed to take some time to rest and think so I took a leave the next day.  Then, I got a message from you.  I needed some company and you gave me just what I needed.  That is how we became close.

I was scared from the start.  I knew how  vulnerable I am at that time.  But you gave me some signals and I thought it was safe to moward.  Still, I tried to stop myself from falling in love with you until that day when I read your comment in friendster…that soon, you will be my angel ivan.  Suddenly, all my defenses went down.  I lost control and started to fall for you.  Still I see the warning signs so I asked you not to continue with your application coz I might fall in love with you.  Yet, you did not heed my pleas.  You went on and got hired.

You promised me you were going to tell me how  you feel when you get accepted.  You tell me things that made me hope and hold on to my feelings.  Then, Mark came into my life.  I have learned to like him and I was happy in his company.  During those days, I was able to distance myself from you.  Those were the days that I never cared much about you.  I don’t know if it was intentional, but when I am almost over you, you tried to reel me in.  Suddenly, you ask ed me if we can talk.  Suddenly, I had been receiving messages from you again.  You answer my calls again.  You were nice to me again.  I slowly slipped away from Mark’s company and under your spell again. Then, you started ignoring me again.  You went back to your old habit of ignoring me.

Now, I do not have Mark anymore.  Somehow, our friendship seemed to fade because I was so consumed by my thoughts of you.  All I have now is my broken heart.  You hurt me but you made me feel and you always say that it is my fault.  You tell me that I am wrong for doing this and that but you never really understood nor tried understand why I do such things.  You never understood that I get jealous because I love you.  That it hurts me see you treat other girls nicer than you treat
me.  I don’t understand why you are easily mad at the simple mistakes that I do.  I don’t understand why you cannot tell me that you don’t love me at all.  I don’t understand why you want me to wait for the answer to my question when you can immediately just tell me to just leave you alone.  I don’t understand why you treat me this way.  Don’t you see that by not telling me, you are just making things worse?  Can’t you see that our work is also affected?  Why not just tell me so we can both move forward and I can start moving on?  I guess, I will just take the initiative of telling myself that it is not worth it.  That this story is not meant to have a happy ending.  That I should stop now and start moving on.  I cannot waste my life on something that is not worth it.  I will just hurt myself more in the end if I wait for your answer that definitely not positive.  I better stop now.  I better say goodbye now and stop being a fool.

My first job was as a marketing assistant at a bank located in Makati. I was staying in Cubao then, renting a room and earning only around Php5000 a month.  It feels great to look back on those days when it is hard to make both ends meet.  It always bring a smile on my face to remember our little adventures during those days.  Well,  one of my favorites is the champorado adventure.  It was February, if I recall it correctly.  I used to be a daily wage earner and February is a month when there is the least number of working days, which also means that I have the least salary.  One more blunder is that my salary is given in check which had to be signed by may superiors.  On that particular payday there are no signatories around.  So, I was not able to get it in cash.  It was a good thing that I still have money for fare but starting that evening, my sister and I ate champorado for dinner and breakfast.  With only 20 pesos left in our pockets, we both cannot afford to go out the next day.  I was not able to report to work, and she was not able to go to school.  So, for that day, we had champorado again.  Then, we texted our mother and asked her to bring money so I can go back to work the next day.

Another incident is when I only had P50 left and there was this guy who had been asking me to go to lunch with him for quite a while.  On that day, I had a nice lunch and my P50 still intact, yet that was the first and last time I went out with that guy.   I feel guilty that I don’t even remember his name now.

Looking back, I seem to realize how far I have gone.  From champorado days to days in the sun.  I have learned a lot of lessons along the way, and I know that I will not be where I am now if not for those champorado days.

Today, I am celebrating my 28th birthday. Twenty eight years… looking back, I asked myself if it is a life that I would want to start over, am I contented or are there some parts of it that I want to erase. I guess, it is more of the erasing some parts. My life is not perfect, of course. I had my ups and downs, just like everyone else. Yet, I guess, I am thankful for whatever I am now. The parts that I would want to erase happened to teach me something and sometimes, things had to be learned the hard way I guess.

Twenty eight years is already quite long but there are still a lot of things that I want to accomplish and experience. Yet, I also feel that my life is just beginning. Before I finish college, I told myself that I should have a car and a house at the age of 25. I am now 28 and I don’t even have a dime in my savings account, I don’t have a house, and I don’t have a car. My life had been bumpy along the way and it is only late last year that things seem to fall into place. My goal now is to have a savings of at least a hundred thousand by the end of this year. I know I can do it but I can only start by March. I also got an insurance so in case something happened to me, my family won’t have to mind where they will get the money for my funeral..hehehe…

Somehow, I still think about what God really plans for of me. Going to the convent seem a bit off but we will have to see by next year. It is a bit hard out here to really follow the teachings of the Catholic church. With the world being to materialistic and being surrounded by people who have that mentality, it is hard to remain focused on ones spiritual needs. Sometimes, you are urged to conform yet, at the end of th e day, you realize that you are wrong . Sometimes, with all these new rules and thinking set out, you can have a hard time discerning when something is still normal or when you are already becoming greedy. But through all these 28 years, I never found my happiness in material things nor in fleeting pleasures. I never loved drinking alcohol - what is good about drinking something that tastes awful then having a hang over the next day? Except when you spend it with your family or friends and you get to bond with them, there is really no pleasure in drinking at all. Same goes with smoking - you get nothing good out of it. Smoking in public, especially in public vehicles is definitely a taboo for me. I find it being inconsiderate.

This reminds me of this quote from the Bible: ” What profits a man when he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?”. I don’t think anyone will find true happiness just by having a lot of money and having no friends nor family. I find happiness when I see people smile when you do something good for them. I feel truly blessed when I feel that I did something that will make their life better. I feel bad when I know that I did something that can negatively affect someone - well, sometimes, it is part of my job.

I am now beginning another year of my life. I don’t really know what’s in store for me - perhaps, there will be another heartbreak or find new love, better salary, reaching my dreams or encountering some more bumps. Well, this is life and I know that everything happens for a reason. I will cry and mourn for the night but smile in the morning and greet the sun. God is with me and everything will be alright - maybe not in this lifetime but definitely in the life after this.

I had a meeting with my boss a few days ago about my career. There are times that I feel bored with what I’m doing and I admitted that to him. He asked me what I really want to do. I said I will take any job that he will give me but I will be happy to be a part of a business development team where I can use my mind more. So we agreed on me staying as HR manager in his company. Of course, that is one thing I want so I can achieve financial security but what I really want is a peaceful and happy family life, away from here. I want a house in the middle of a farm where I can be with a loving husband and kids. Outside, will be a garden surrounded by orchids, roses, and other plants. Not far from the house is the grazing field where the cows are. Then, nearby will be the duckfarm. Surrounding the house are different trees where my kids can play hide and sick or just sit underneath.  Between the trees are hammocks where we can lie down and just dream while looking at the stars or perhaps, the fruits that are waiting to fall on our laps.

There, I can write stories and spend quality time with my family. There we can serve God. This weekend I went to St. Joseph’s Church in Baguio City (where Charlene and Aga’s wedding was held) and prayed for his intercession so God will send me a man who will be truthful and love me till the end of his life. I’m not rushing to find him. I’m taking my time. I’m not ready yet. But I know, in God’s time all shall be well and my dreams will be fulfilled.

I remember the story the priest narrated during a homily before.  It was a story of a man who fell in a cliff.  It was totally dark and he was alone.  He was just holding on to a branch  and anytime, the branch may break and he will fall.  In this time of uncertainty and fear, he prayed to God.  Then, God answered him and told him to let go.  The man was doubtful.  He cannot see what is beneath him.  He let his fears conquer him so he held on to the branch until it broke, only to realize that he was only a feet above ground.  It would have saved him the pain and the agony if he only let go.

I know, it is very hard to let go.  That is exactly how I feel right now.  I know that I need to let go but I cannot.  In my life, I plan everything.  I have to know what to do and what will the result be.  Now, God is asking me to let Him do His will.  I hear Him but still, I cannot let go.  I am holding on to my pain.  I am holding on to my fear.  Perhaps, because I do not trust God enough.  Or perhaps, I trust myself too much.  I also let my emotions overwhelm me that I do not know which is God’s voice and which is not. 

Now,  I want to go on a retreat.  Go to a place where there is only God and no one else.  Where He can talk to me and I can talk to him without any hindrances. Without all the distractions that surrounds me.  I want to hear God.  I want my heart to be silenced and just let Him fill it with His love.  I want this to happen, yet I sometimes hinder this myself - perhaps because I am too proud.  I cannot empty myself, die in myself so God can fill me.  It is so hard for me to let go of my earthly desires and earthly thoughts so only His words will be my only desire.  I pray for God to give me the grace to let go of myself, to forget myself and just focus all my thoughts on HIM.  To allow Him to rule my life, and heal me.  Then, and only then, I know that when I learn to let go His will will start to unfold.

It was more than three years ago when my brother decided to enter the seminary.   He just got out of high school at that time, passed the entrance exam at the University of the Philippines and got a full scholarship from the Department of Science and Technology.  We felt that he has a better future here outside so we asked him to try college for at least a year.  Then, one year past and that is still what he wants - to follow and serve God.  We had no choice but let him go, anyway, he is not going to jail or a rehab, he is going to follow God.

Now, we have come to accept that he is no longer ours alone.  He belongs to God and His people.  All we can do is pray for him to continue to do God’s will and to be able to convert sinners like him and like us.