I knew you will expect me to write on this blog and you are right.  Yet, I don’t know where to start.  My mind is a bit numb right now as if it does not want to think.  Perhaps, this had been one of the toughest decisions I had to make so far… to let go.  To set myself free from this bondage.  My heart is asking me to give you more time to think about it, not to lose hope on us but I just can’t do that anymore.  I can’t live my life waiting for you.  I know you never asked me to wait but you knew that I was waiting and you did nothing. How many times have I begged you to tell me regardless but you never did.  How many months have I waited for that letter that you deliberately did not give me?  I never asked you to love me.  All I asked for you to tell me how you feel.  If you don’t care about me, then fine.  I will just move on.  But if you do, why did you let me feel this way?  What are you afraid of?  Weren’t you the one who said I should not be afraid to take the risk?  I took the risk, why can’t you?  Am I not good enough?  Is my love not enough?  The more I wait for you, the more I feel less of myself.  The more I feel insecure that I tend to compare myself with every girl who comes close to you and the more I do that, the more I hated myself for the things I did in the past.  The more I feel inadequate.  The more it hurts.

When we met, everything seem to fall into place.  But it seems that when you have come close enough to see my flaws, you turned away.  I never meant to be jealous.  I hate that kind of feeling.  I hate being tormented by those thoughts.  Yet, when I met you I was also in the process of redeeming myself, of starting to believe in myself again.  When he left, I felt so low, so inadequate, so unworthy of anyone.  I blamed myself, I felt that I am not good enough.  When you came, I began to believe in myself again but when you began to turn away, I lose that confidence again.  Each day, I try harder and harder to be better for you.  To be worthy of your love.  Maybe, if I look like the girls you have in friendster, maybe you will also give me some attention.  Maybe if I dress up like them, you will also look at me.  Maybe when I do my job well, you will be proud of me.  Maybe when I do this you will like me. But I never see that in you, you never did.

When I said, I am doing this for you, it is true.  Yet, I now know that I am doing this more for myself.  I love you and there’s no doubt about that.  Although, I had been praying for this love to go away… just like the way I asked you to get away from me in the beginning coz I am afraid I might fall in love with you.  But this had to end somewhere.  I know I have made my mistakes but you have to admit that you also have a fair share on this.   I don’t know if you can ever love me or if anyone else can love me.  I guess I just have to live with that.  Just like what you said, accept whatever happens.  I guess this is it.  You can never love me and I just have to accept that.  My heart is crying again, saying there is hope…. I have hoped for this love for so long and it is surprising that there is still some hope left after all.  Let me just say goodbye now… who knows, it may become see you later or welcome back?  I can never tell but now, all I can say is goodbye and take care.

I never asked you to love me but it i human to hope that you will love me back.  I know it is not your intention to hurt me nor do this things to me.  I also hope that you realize that it was never my intention to hurt you or anyone else.  This is just between you and me, some know about this and that but still, this is between you and me.  Whoever is hurt, whoever it is that got hurt in the process it was not my intention to hurt them nor have them involved.  Sharing is different from involving.  Seeking for advice is different from having a person get involved.  All these things, all is just between you and me.  So if this should end, this is my pain and this is my heart and no one else’s.  It is my heart that will break.  It is my heart that will feel the pain.

Lately, for some reason, the line “Teach us to number our days” had been constantly on my mind.  Some rather morbid thoughts cross my mind.  Yet, I know I have to face reality.  To number our days is something we should all do.  Living each day as if it’s the last. Not wasting time on things that are fleeting.  Everything here are but temporary except for the things we do for others, we do with others.  Except things we say to others, we give others and we think about others.  I wonder what kind of thoughts and emotions I will leave behind if today is my last day on earth.  I wonder how it will affect the lives of the people I will leave behind.  I hope they are dependent enough to feel that I am gone and independent enough to stand on their own.  I hope I loved them enough to remember me but strong enough to move on.  I hope that I have shared enough of myself to keep me alive.  I hope to be remembered.  I hope that I lived my life making them smile so that when I leave, I will take with me some tears.  Tears of joy for having met me. Tears of sorrow for losing me.  I know, I still have a lot to do, to accomplish but when I die tonight I will leave my heart to those I love and that will keep me alive.

Yesterday, a new guy was hired in the office.  About the same age as I am.  My officemates were all teasing me, telling me that he seem to be a good man, someone who’s husband material.  Our HR Manager even introduced me to him,  but before she did she asked him if he is single.  Yes, he is single - no girlfriend, no wife. A potential boyfriend.  Sigh…. He seem to be a nice guy, I will not object.  But what is the guarantee that he will also like me?  I mean, in our position, the possibilities are endless.  We can definitely find ways to bring us together but it only guarantees that we will get to know each other better but it does not guarantee where it will lead us.  Well, who knows where it will end?  Let’s just wait and see.

I feel like I am lost again.  I knew this will happen but I did not do anything to avoid it.  I knew that my work will take much of my time.  I knew that when I return to the city, this life will lure me again.  Somehow, I feel that I use work to escape from something.  It is like my sanctuary.  A place where no one else can find me. Then again, what am I running away from?  Away from reality? Away from my fears about uncertainty?  What is it?  It is like I am running away, not realizing that my time is almost over.  What if tomorrow will not come and I still cannot find where I belong, what is missing?  What if I don’t have enough time?  What if by running away, I have already ran far from where I should be?  What if my time is now and tomorrow I won’t see?  I just pray that the love I felt will stay here, leaving a trace just like my footsteps.

The closer I get to God, the more I become detached to the world.  Material things are losing their meaning.  I have learned to care more for the intangible things, things that makes me grow spiritually, and I pray to stay in this state even when I am surrounded by the hustle and bustle and all the temptations of the city.  I pray that my beloved will also realize the same.  What’s the use of having a huge house, when it is not a home?  What is the use of having a car when it brings your family members away from each other?  Everything is this world and everything the world can give is fleeting… temporary.  But the joys that God gives us lasts forever.  Only love can withstand time, only love can last until forever and reach the heavens.  Only love and things done with love can last and stay until the end of time.

During my college years, I often go to the Pink Sisters convent in Baguio City.  I also love spending time in the school chapel.  Going to those places gives me a certain serene feeling that I cannot find anywhere else.  It feels like nothing else matters for I am in the presence of my Saviour.  Then, when we had our recollection when I was on my second year, I thought of becoming a nun.  Not just a nun but a contemplative. Yet, my family experienced a big financial blow that made me reconsider.

My brother entered the seminary in 2005.  I remembered that day when I first thought of entering the convent but I know I am no longer worthy.  When my boyfriend left me, I was lost and devastated.  I have been so broken that I know only Jesus can heal me.  I went to stay in a convent for a couple of days.  Experiencing the life that I use to dream of.  A life of prayer, a life devoted to God.

Now, I am reading the life of St. Veronica Guiliani and it stirred a lot of emotions in my heart.  Her life struck me in such a way that I wanted the same kind of life for myself - a life of suffering consecrated with the suffering of our Lord.  A life dedicated to console our God for all the outrages and indifferences that He experienced.  The call to this kind of life is becoming so strong that it confuses me for there was a point in my life when I already decided that I want to have my own family.  But this kind of life is so enticing, so inviting but I know it is only possible if I will enter the convent.

My God has been greatly offended.  I, myself, have caused Him so much pain.  I created this blog to serve a spiritual purpose which I know I did not meet.  Now, in the beginning of this new year, I hope to achieve that.  To take each one of you in this spiritual journey… my journey home and I hope to take all of you who will read this blog with me.

Do you know what your name means?  It means God’s gracious gift.  For me, you are truly a gift from God.  A lot of things happened when you came.  A lot of things changed.  Because of this, I know that God has brought you into my life for a reason.  You helped me through a stage of my life when I thought I cannot move on.  You showed me that I deserve more and that I have the capacity to love again with the same intensity, or perhaps even stronger than before.  You made me realize that I deserve to be loved and put the smile back on my face.  You made me want to become better.  I am deeply sorry for my lack of trust in you, perhaps I don’t trust myself enough and that I have so much fear because of my past.  I should have believed you and the magic you speak of.  Of the natural things, of our destiny - our destiny to be together for the rest of our lives.  I love you and I always will.

The year is about to end.  I’m not sure if the world will last longer.  I still have my dreams yet the future had always been uncertain.  But who cares about the future when God is calling you now?  I would be more than happy to accept death coz it only means I will be reunited with my Creator.  Even my love for my beloved will not be reason enough for me to choose life.

I want to serve God in all ways I can and cannot.   I want to be like Saint Paul and be able to say “Not I but Him who lives in me”.  This kind of life that I long for - a life of prayer and penance, a life fully dedicated to God can only be achieved by entering the convent, by becoming a contemplative nun.  Bringing me into a state of confusion because a part of me is dreaming of becoming a wife and a mother.  I dream of becoming my beloved’s wife, his perfect wife, yet I also want to be the perfect spouse to my Lord Jesus.

I pray for God’s guidance and the grace to love God more and above all else.

Sigh…. I know I cannot bring back the past but I can do something about the present and the future.  I know I said a lot of things.  I was jealous, I was insecure.  Let me tell you the story, how I felt, what I thought.

It was January when you said you will tell me something.  Those words helped me loosen up, put down my defenses and fall for you for I felt that you feel the same way.  What we have is something so “natural” as you called it before.  It felt so good that I got scared.  Scared that it will end.  Scared that I only see what I want to see, feel what I want to feel.  I had been fooled before, and this time I need your assurance.  I needed to hear it from you.  I needed your confirmation.

Months passed.  You never said the words I wanted to hear.  Though I felt it, that what we have is true, I never wanted to really believe it. So when you do something or say something, I had to have two interpretations - one is positive and the other, negative.  Until I leaned towards the negative because you never confirmed anything.  I started to feel insecure and started looking for answers.  Then came your friend who tells me things, give me information about you.  I thought talking to him will make things better.  That through him, I will find the answer. How I wished he would confirm all the good things I know about you.  I hoped he will say that you love me too and that he sees that.  But it was the opposite.  He filled my mind with lies.  I don’t know how it started but I began to believe him more than you.

It started with Jen, then Tanya, then other girls.  He started by telling me that you have time for them and if I am of any importance, you will find time for me as well.  I already had that unwanted thought, something that I wanted to avoid but having someone to confirm it with you makes a lot of difference.  Then, the thought that you don’t need me anymore because you already got what you wanted, yet you cannot let go of me completely because you might have a need for me again soon.   He made me believe that you don’t care and he did it in such a way that seem so innocent and noble.  Believe it or not, I tried to defend you in almost all occasions.  I tried to tell him that you will not and cannot do that to me.  But he tells me those things with such conviction.  He said those things as if he was really sure and that he is only telling me those because he cares about me.  He even showed me snippets of your conversations which I now know could be about a totally different topic.

Then came Hershy.  He tried to convince me that you are together.  With some twist of fate, I saw your friendster profile when you changed your status from complicated to single, and she changed hers from complicated to in a relationship. Then, I told your friend about it. Trying to justify that you are not together coz why would I allow you to say you’re single when we are in a relationship together?  Then, he showed me your pictures together.  I said Hershy is your ex.  He insisted that you are still together.   That you will just hurt me.  That you just used me.  Deep inside, I believed your explanations.  I have always believed that you are a good person and if you will ever get involved with someone, you will tell me.  I believed that you will not hurt me.  I believe that even when he said those things but he made me feel so stupid for believing that.  I was vulnerable.  I was so confused that I had to distance myself from both of you.  Your efforts to get in touch were subtle, his was rather bold.  He was so persistent, he seemed so hurt and I felt so guilty.

I trusted him only because you trusted him as well.  Yet, he betrayed us both.  I just can’t believe someone can do such things to someone.  Ang galing nya sa emotional blackmail.  He always made me feel guilty pag di ko sya pinapaniwalaan at feeling ko ang tanga tanga ko pag naniwala ako sayo kasi para sa kanya niloloko mo lang ako.  Pinapasakay mo lang ako.  He made me think that you are a scheming bastard who will not stop at anything just to get what he wants.  He will use people and have no mercy in hurting them just to get to what he wanted.  In my heart, I know you are good.  But his words are like poison, trying to destroy everything we had.

Now that everything is clear, I just feel so guilty for hurting the only man I love.  I feel so guilty for hurting you.  I feel so stupid for falling into that trap.  Naniniwala naman ako sayo pero everytime na sasabihin ko sa kanya yun sasabihin nya sa akin, kayang kaya ka talaga niya.  Kanina ikaw ang tama ngayon mali ka na.  Ang talino mong tao pero pagdating sa kanya, wala ka.  Hayaan mo, gagawan ko ng paraan magkalapit kayo pero di ka naman gusto nun.  Sinabi nya sa akin, di daw sya nagagandahan sayo.  Sabi nya, dun ka na lang daw. Itutulak ka daw nya dun, sana daw mainlove ka dun para wala na syang problema sayo.  What’s the point of talking to him, idedeny lang naman nya yun.  Kukuha ako ng ebidensya para wala na syang excuse, just give me time.  Papatunayan ko sayo na sila talaga ni Hershy.  I only want to protect you from him.  Masasaktan ka lang sa kanya.  Hearing those words from the only person na malapit sayo bukod sa akin at such a vulnerable state, it makes you insane.  You get caught in a whirlwind of emotions and thoughts when you believe in one thing, doubt one thing, hurt by something, elated by something. Ang hirap and you don’t seem to care.  Naputol din kasi yung communication natin nung time na yun.  Kasalanan ko din kasi I was too pushy, lagi akong nagdududa, lagi kitang inaaway.  I was venting all those frustrations and confusion on you.

I am not writing this to justify my actions.  I just wanted you to understand what I had been through.  I have my fears and he was able to capitalize on that.  I was vulnerable.  I was confused.  Sana, we can start over.  Sana mahal mo pa ako.  I love you and even if you don’t love me now, I just can’t stop loving you.

I had been thinking a lot about you lately and I cannot help but feel guilty.  Guilty for all the pain I have caused you.  Guilty for all the wrong things I have done and said about you.  Now I know, it is my fault that I have lost you.  I lost you once I know.  I have put that wall between us two and I don’t know I can get through it again.  How I can make you feel comfortable again.  How I can make you come to me without all the pressures of telling me that you love me.  Without the pressure of assuring me that you deserve all my love.  To make you feel that it is enough that we are together and nothing else really matters than to be with you.  If only I can bring back the past.  Those days when we were just friends, loving each other in the way we know and the way we can.  I know that no matter how many times I say sorry, the damage has been done.  I cannot bring back the past.  I just hope it’s not too late to make amends.  To start anew.  I want to make you smile again.  To set you free from all your pains and fears.  But first I know, I must let you go so you can feel free to spread your wings and fly back to me.  I know you will.  I have faith in you… I have faith in us.  I love you.