I met someone recently and I cannot help getting close to him.  His presence gives you a certain feeling of freedom.  It really feels so great to be with him.  Not in a romantic way yet, but you just cannot help wanting to be with him.  He has a very light aura, aside from the fact that he is also so damn cute.  Perfect height, perfect complexion, nice eyes, funny and cool.  He said he is just living his life the way he wants to live it.   Having fun.  Enjoying his life. Fulfilling his passions.  He is a very passionate dancer and a very independent guy.  He seem to have a lot of things going on in his life.  A person living life to the fullest which I cannot help but envy or should I say, admire.

Being acquainted with him, I began asking myself about my own passion.  Well, I have always loved dancing but I stopped when I was in college, except for my PE 2 class which is about ballroom and folk dancing.  I enjoyed the boogie, considering that it’s more fun than doing the waltz or cha-cha.  With all the videos in youtube now about hiphop dancing, I would have been dancing right now if only I have more space at home where I can do the tricks.  Yet, I don’t have that luxury.  I even bought a cd a couple of months ago which is more of a dance aerobics routine but I was only able to finish a part of it due to the lack of space.

As I write this, I am actually asking myself what am I passionate about.  I know that I fell in love with Capoeira after watching a demo on television but I never really got that serious about pursuing that.  I guess, I really love dancing coz it gives you that adrenaline rush and it’s also fun.  Capoeira is a combination of dance and martial arts and music.  I heard that they have one in the Manila Polo Club and in Ateneo.  Places that actually intimidates me so I hope they offer it somewhere near my place.  I also heard that the Capoeira group is a bit tight so it might be a bit hard to blend in when you join alone.

Another passion can be music.  I have always wanted to really play the piano, the violin and the drums.  Drums is my favorite of course, since again, it gives me an adrenaline rush.  So now, I need to buy a keyboard, a violin and a drum set… quite expensive huh…

Learning French is another thing I have always wanted but never pursued.  I also use to be passionate about writing which is, I guess, the only passion that I am pursuing.  I wanted to write a novel someday and have it published.   Hmmm…. what about an autobiography? lol

I also want to travel around.  Go to places I have never been and do things I have never done.  I have always been a risk taker… well, in most things I must say.  Yet, when I get hurt trying on something, I backed out.  Like when I tried swimming and hurt myself a couple of times I stopped.

Having written all these and realizing all these, I guess I can say that I am not living the life that I want in the past few years.  Perhaps, I had been too focus on certain things and now I have a lot of catching up to do.  I want to reach the age of 30 saying that I have my life, I have fulfilled my dreams and my passions.  I better get started… actually I have already started.  Subic and Bohol are my first steps, next will be Boracay and my masters degree.  Next will be buying my violin and taking violin lessons while learning to dance again.  I have a handsfull but I know that I can do this if I put my heart into it.

So, what’s your passion?

My friend invited me to attend the introduction to the Landmark Forum.  I have not seen her in a while so I decided to go.  I don’t really know what the landmark forum is but then, what do I have to lose?  So, I went and there I found out what it is - self-improvement seminar unlike the others we already know.  It does not add anything to our knowledge, instead it helps us realize what stops us from going after our dreams.  There, I was confronted with the question: What matters to you?  I guess, that goes with a follow up question - What are you doing to achieve it?

It helped me analyze the way I live my life.  What are the things that I want and why am I not getting those?  I know what I must achieve, what I must do but what stops me from doing it?  For instance, my ultimate goal is to achieve a more intimate relationship with God. I know I have to pray more.  I know that I have to put God first. But why am I not praying more?  Why do It put myself first?  Why don’t I wake up earlier so I can recite my morning prayer?  What stops me from going to confession?  I can say that I am busy but if I am really committed to that, what is 30 minutes?  What is an hour when I can spend more than 12 hours a day in the office?  Why do I stay in the office longer than I have to sometimes?

I have come to some realizations after that introduction session.  I have realized that somehow staying in the office is my security blanket.  I have realized how my childhood affected my perception.  I use to feel that my parents prefer to have my sister over me when I was a kid.  My sister and I live with our great aunts and whenever my parents bring my sister with them to our house, I feel that they love her more.  It somehow affected my perception.  In my relationships, I stive really hard so my partner will not leave me.  I strive hard to be everything for them because of my fear that they will always find someone better and leave me for her.  I talked to my parents about it and they explained to me that I am my lola’s favorite so if they take me, my lola will definitely be mad at them.  So, there goes my unfounded fear.

I also tend to procastinate a lot.  I know that procastination is a sin, it falls under sloth.  Yet, why do I procastinate?  What stops me?  Is it really just that or is there an underlying reason?

I am not yet convinced that I have to attend the landmark forum, thinking that I can “heal” on my own.  I am not sure if I am willing to spend Php25,000 for that.  But it did make a difference in the lives of those I met.  It also opened my eyes on certain things.  I will try to work on improving myself, with the things I have right now.  I can start by knowing what I want and working my way to get there.

I am turning 29 soon.  A part of me tells me, I should worry about my biological clock, be afraid of menopause without having experienced how it is to give birth, to become a mom.  At this age, I do not have boyfriend, but who cares.  I never really cared, who needs a man anyway?  It is actually hard to find real men nowadays.  Men are only men when you fall in love with them, but other than that, who needs to have a man in her life?  Need only follows after love.  You need someone because you love them and not the other way around.  Honestly, a part of me is actually scared.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am not scared of being alone for the rest of my life - that is something that I can always find a remedy for.  I am afraid of not being able to experience something that I think is wonderful, not being able to experience having my own family.  It would definitely make me sad somehow.  Though I know that I can establish a family without having to get married but it is a different kind of family.

I am not sure if I am making sense here but I am just saying whatever comes to mind.  I am just saying my thoughts, letting my thoughts guide my hand with no particular direction.  All I know is that I am thinking about the years to come, my upcoming birthday.

What happened in the past 29 years?  A lot of great things.  I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for.  I have a good job.  God has given me so much blessings that I know I do not deserve somehow.  I have a very supportive family: a father who adores me, a mother who has always been there for me, a sister who is also my bestfriend, and my brother who is my angel.  What more can I ask for?  I am now fixing my finances - I made some mess on this aspect of my life.  Having lived without learning how to budget or tracking my expenses, I ended up with some debts.  It’s not that substantial but it is something I want to get rid of so I can build my retirement fund.  I already have my insurance but I know it is not enough.  I also want to build up a fund for my own car and house.  I am going to get there.  This year will be the beginning of a lot of great things.  Things greater than before.  I already know what to do, all I need is some time to have everything in place and of course, I will need God’s blessing to have it fulfilled.

My lovelife?  That is also a bit of a mess.  Being a control freak, there are lots of things I do prematurely.  I cannot wait for God’s will to unfold, thus, messing things up a bit.  But in the last relationship that I had (if you will consider that a relationship, I love on guy who doesn’t love me), I have learned the value of patience.  The value of letting God take things in His own pace.  From now on, it will be His time, His way, His plan and no longer my time, my way and my plan.  I am giving God the key, I won’t even help him start the engine nor give Him directions.  I am actually asking Him not to let me meddle.  I know, He can do it without my help.  Helping Him might just make things a bit murky or messy.  I will just let Him do His thing, and let Him guide my course.  I have given Him back the freedom He gave me.  I will just sit back, relax and let Him drive.  Before I know it, I could have reached my destination already.  It will not be an easy ride, I know.  But I will buckle up.  His loving arms will be my protection. His faithfulness, my consolation.  His love, my joy.  His promises, my security.  I believe that things will be better, far better than I can imagine, far better than what I can do myself. This is why I look forward to tomorrow for I know He will make it better than today.  I look forward to the coming years, for I know His plans will be fulfilled and His plans are always great.

I may be single now or for the rest of my life, it does not matter.  Single or married, whatever happens, it is for the best.  If it is where God wants me to be, then there I will be for only there can I find true happiness and true meaning.

Today, I have made a decision to move forward.  I will just live my life the way I want to and stop thinking of you.  I have a lot on my plate right now.  New things, new experiences, new tasks.  I don’t know what life will bring but I sure am going to live my life to the fullest.  Who knows, maybe love will come my way someday soon.  God knows when that will be.  I am giving Him the pen now, letting Him write my life story.  For now, I will just live.  I will be happy, I know.  You may have hurt me and there are a lot of questions that still needs to be answered.  I know that I cannot find the answers now, perhaps in time, those will be revealed to me.  Or maybe, I won’t need to know the answers anyway.  There was a point when I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me, but what good will that do to me?  Now, you did me wrong and I know that there will be justice.  However, if I take justice in my own hands, I will then become the culprit.  So, I am leaving it that way.  You hurt me and God will take care of what you have done.  Perhaps, it already is taking it’s toll on you.  I have always believed that when things are going the right direction, then it means that I am where God wants me to be and I am doing His will.  But when things go wrong, it can mean two things: that I need to be reminded of His presence and that I need Him in my life; second will be that things are just not right for me or I might have done something wrong.  I remembered you saying that things are not working the way you wanted them to, perhaps, it is time to look at yourself and see if you are doing something wrong.

I do not want to hold any grudge on you, but I hope you realize what you did and never do it again to anyone else.  People have feelings and they do not deserve to be hurt or betrayed.   I have always believed in the goodness of people, that everyone does not have any hidden motives or bad intentions.  I think this is why I end up getting hurt, because I trust too much too soon.  What can I do?  I have no ill intentions nor do I capitalize on others weaknesses for my own gain.  I am like that so I think others are like that as well.  I asked you to explain but I guess you are not willing to do so, that is why I am now struggling against these negative thoughts.  I am lifting it all up to God now.  All the pains you have caused me, same with the happiness.  I will not hold on to them any longer.  I am letting God take care of everything, He knows better anyway.

For one year, I sort of turned my back from dating other men.  I tried but it just didn’t work.  I always back out last minute when a friend invites me to go somewhere or meet someone.  Now, after that Friday evening, I am opening my door again.  So, when my friend invited me last Wednesday, I dropped everything and went with her.  She introduced me to a rather interesting guy.  That evening, I was feeling light and happy.  It’s like another door had been opened for me.  Though, fate seem to be playing along since one of the guys there have the same name as yours.  I just smiled at the thought that that night is supposedly a night without you but I just received a rather huge reminder.  It’s a bit like a slap on my face.  Yet, the night went well.  Perhaps, it’s because of that evening that I was able to face the next day with a new outlook in life.

I look forward to seeing him again.  I look forward to meeting other people again.  I felt a bit stuck for a while and now things are moving forward.  Let’s see where destiny takes me.

I cried that night, yes.  I was hurt, that’s true.  Yet, that night brought a lot of good things to me.  I am not sure about how you feel after we talked that evening, but for me, after all the hurting, I was able to realize a lot of things.  I have come to search inside myself to know what is wrong with me.  I have come to realize what I need to do for myself and make steps towards that.  I have come to terms with my weaknesses and was able to plan towards improvement.

I have come to the core of my jealousy, my insecurity and now I am building my confidence again.  I have been able to detach myself from the smaller picture to be able to see the bigger picture.  Now, I see clearly.  I am no longer looking through murky waters.  Now, I will no longer force things to happen.  I will just go with the flow and let things naturally fall into place.  There are things I can control and there are things that I have no control of.  I have no control over your emotions nor your reactions, but I have control over mine.  I cannot influence your perception but I can do that with mine.  God has always been there for me, making things right, putting things into perspective.  Most of the time, He gives me more than what I have expected, things that are far better than the things I asked for.  He brought my ex out of my life and I wanted him bad badly.  I forced things to happen until I realize how much better my life had become without him.  Then, losing him is not what I want but I feel different now.  I have come to realize that what happened is for my own good.   Now, my faith tells me that things will also fall into place and only the things that are good will happen and will remain.  I already know that He brought you into my life for a purpose - some had already been served.  The only question is, will there be more and how long it will last.  No matter what, you will always have a place in my heart.

Hey, my friend, it’s been a while since we have seen each other.  It’s been a while but I just didn’t realize how much I miss you until when I was on my way to meet with you again.  Excitement overwhelms me as I approach our meeting place that I was walking and running at the same time.  I cannot wait to see your face and be held by your arms.  Now, we are here, face to face.  Your presence is enough to make me feel that everything will be fine.  When you put your arms around me, I cannot help but smile.  It is only with you that I feel such peace, such warmth.  I know, you love me and nothing is more comforting for me now than to know that you are still there and that you will always be there.  That whenever I feel that the world is on my shoulders, you come to me and lift metup.

Sorry for neglecting you for so long.  I had been too preoccupied by other things that I failed to come to you as often as I did before.  I guess, my priorities changed but now, I am on track again.  Being with you have always felt great but I guess I was thinking that you will never leave anyway.  So, I put you at the bottom of my list. Yet, from this day, I promise to be with you as often as I can.  To be there, wrapped in your arms, surrounded by your love until the end.

Was there ever a time when you are waiting for your phone to ring and hope that it was me who’s calling you or sending you a text message?  Today, I feel that way for you.  I keep on checking my phone and everytime it rings, my heart skips.  It stops from beating until I see who’s actually calling me and finding out it’s not you.  I know I said goodbye.  Do you know what that means?  It means I am passing the ball to you.  It’s now you’re turn.  I will stop making any effort to make you fall for me.  I will not take any step closer to you.  It’s now your turn to do that.  It is now my turn to learn to appreciate and love myself more.  Finding out who I am and what I really want.

I will just stay this way.  Keep my phone on so that I won’t miss your call.  I am not sure if that will ever happen but my heart is very hopeful.  While I do that, please take care my love, and whenever you feel down, remember that I love you and I hope that makes you feel a bit better.  I have always find it comforting to realize that there are people who loves me.  When I am at my lowest, it feels great to know that there are people I can call and who will listen to my rantings no matter how trivial it may sound.  Whether it is just to tell them that my computer broke down or my internet connection is not working when I have some work to do.  Or just when I had a bad day and needed someone to talk to, someone who will tell me that things will be fine even if they don’t believe it will be.  Someone who will hug me when I am at my worst or just laugh at me when I am being childish.  Someone who will slap me when I am being stubborn or when I am too much to handle, or when I am not being realistic.  Someone who will tell me a joke when I feel sad or try to be funny just to make me smile.  You use to be that person and I want to be that person for you.  God, how I miss hearing your voice.  I can’t wait for my phone to ring.

Now you’re gone, I am all alone again.  Before, though you’re not there, it’s easy for me to dream that someday you will be by my side.  That someday, you will love me.  Someday, you will hold me in your arms.  But now, that dream must be forgotten.  I must learn to forget you but I know, just a smile from you will completely take me back again.  Just one smile, just one look will make my heart beat faster again.  That is the power you have over me.  You already have my heart and now it seams that no one else can take it from you.  I am no longer in my youth, next month, I will be 29.  Just one year more and I will be 30.  It scares me.  It scares me that I have nothing more to give you.  It scares me that you can be my last love and that I will end up alone all my life.  It scares me that I might have passed on a lot of opportunities coz I was so busy waiting for you and when I decided that I want to stop, it is already too late.  It scares me but I still cannot let go.  It scares me that my time is almost over and still, you have not given me that opportunity to love you the way I should.  It scares me, but I still cannot make myself turn away completely.  I may be walking away but I am looking back.  I walk slowly so that when you decide to pull me back, you will not have a hard time catching up with me.  If you do, I will come running back to you.  When he left, I prayed that the next one would be the last one.  You are that one, and my heart is telling me you are the last.  I pray that you also feel the same.

I know I may be a bit of a burden sometimes.  At times, I am so emotional that it’s hard to be with me.  I can also have my tantrums.  As you already know, I am also quite jealous.  But I assure you, I am trying to make myself better for you.  I am a work in progress but I love you, and for me that’s enough motivation to become better.

Who said this is going to be easy?  Right now, tears still fall from my eyes realizing that I might have completely lost you after last night.  I love you too much to really want to drive you away.  But what can I do?  I am hurting myself as much as I hurt you.  I am hoping that by doing this, I will find myself again.  Maybe when I do, it will be easier for both of us.  Who wants to be insecure?  Who wants to be jealous?  When I am with you, all I want to do is give you a hug and make you smile but it’s not what is happening right now.  Guilt is getting the best of me, insecurity overwhelms me.  Yet, I am afraid it has already met an end even when we have not even started.  I am afraid that I have lost you forever and it is during those moments that I begin to regret what I did last night.  But when I realize what I have done and why I did it, I know that I did the right thing somehow.

I don’t ever want to lose you but the more I hold on, the more I drive you away.  So perhaps, when I keep my distance, you will pull me near again.  I also want to resolve this issues I have.  When you came, I have not fully recovered my confidence.  After being dumped by someone you love for the longest time, it is just so hard to believe in your own worth again.   It is not true that I am still in love with my ex.  Since I started falling for you, his memories had been burried deeper than you can imagine.  I cannot even imagine how he looks like anymore.  Yes, he had played a rather big part of my life and I still remember things about him but you are the ones occupying my thoughts from day in to day out.

I will never say sorry for the things I said.  I say those from the heart.  I will try my best to let the wounds heal as fast as possible.  Perhaps, when I feel better about myself you will come back to me again.  I felt that you love me somehow.  I am not dense.  But I guess after the pains that I had been through, I just find it so hard to believe that I had to hear you say it.  Perhaps, I wanted more than what you give that in the end, I lost everything.  I love you, I love you and I never want to lose you but first, I need to learn to love myself again.  You said that I am selfish. I never thought I am.  Perhaps, you mistook my insecurity as selfishness.  That I cannot fully understand.  I hope someday we can be together again.  If not, that only means that we are not meant for each other…. but God knows how I badly I want us to be together for the rest of our lives.