I had been writing then deleting then deleting again for the past few minutes.  I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t know how I can put into words the way I feel right now.  Isn’t the rather difficult?  I mean, this is my outlet.  This is where I rant and rave but now, this is becoming a bit impossible.   Could it be that I am seeing red lights again and anxiety is starting to take over?  Anxiety from restraining myself from doing what I want to do?  Or is it anxiety from stopping myself from being with someone whom I love to be with?  Perhaps both?  I have to find another outlet to release this feeling that is starting to get hold of me.  There are times when I get hold of it but there are times when I lose my grip.

I need to start with my masters already or start with myoviolin lessons.  I need to have a life.  I need to live a life so I can forget.  To stop this seed from growing by burrying it deeper and deeper until it is completely forgotten.  Or perhaps, let the wind blow so profusely so it gets blown away?  Maybe I am just feeling lonely or maybe I am already falling?  Naaahhhh…. I think, I am just bored.  You don’t fall for someone you can’t be with.

I attended the mass this evening.  A boy, about 5 feet tall sat beside me.  He looks rather untidy and a bit of a kanto boy type.  Upon seeing him, I immediately moved away, wanting to transfer to another seat which is not possible because the church is already full.  Then, it dawned to me.  I was singing praises, telling the Lord that I love him when I cannot even sit beside this guy.  I judged him based on his looks.  How can I say that I love God when just sitting beside this guy makes me feel uncomfortable?   Guilt began to creep inside me that I almost cried.  This guy is here to worship God and yet I think of him as an outcast.  God is happy to see him here yet I wanted to send him away.  It’s really shameful.

I have never really thought of or pondered about certain things in my life.  Sometimes, reality just strikes and made me think about how I am living.  Sometimes, people come to our lives to show us things and make us realize things we have never paid attention to or we thought we are already doing but in reality, we are not.  I know this may sound silly or very jologs.  Yesterday, I watched Eat Bulaga.  Well, not lwatched as in watched.  I was doing some other things while the television is on… now you will say, what a waste.  Yeah.  I guess.  But since childhood, I think the television has been like a companion to me.  That as long as it is on, I don’t feel alone.  So, there goes the long introduction.  Yesterday, they featured 30 students, all from poor families but achievers.  Children who went out of their way just to be educated.   Children who cannot even afford to buy a pair of shoes, school supplies, snacks or walk miles just to get to school.  Children who will be extremely extatic if you will give them a pair of shoes, food to eat and a complete set of school supplies.

Then it struck me.  How my mind worked in my younger years and perhaps,  until now. When I was in grade school, all that mattered is that I win.  I never really valued my education.  I never thought of it as the way to help my family have a better life. I never worked hard.  Never really studied hard even in my college years.  For me, as long as I meet people’s expectations, my family’s expectations, I am fine.  So I ended up, being half educated.  I am not sure if you will understand it though.  My true education only came when my family faced certain trials that I had to change my own lifestyle.

I realized how blessed I am and how much time I have wasted.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to have a purpose.  We surely have more than 30 students who are like that in our country, more so the world.  Honestly, I don’t know what to do yet but I know I can do something.  No matter how small, no matter how irrelevant it may seem or ridiculous it may be.

I just said that I will try to avoid you.  Build walls around me so you can’t enter and I will feel safe.  Yet, I realized that it’s actually a big mistake to do that.  You make me happy and I don’t really know what runs on your mind.  I don’t know if you also like me, I don’t know what will happen in the next few days, weeks or months so why would I restrain myself from being happy?  You opened my mind to a lot of possibilities.  Made me realize my passions and made me go for it.  I have a lot of things going on now.  I have a lot of plans that I will make sure will push through.  No more boundaries.  No more worries.  I will just enjoy this ride and see where it takes us.  I hope you too.

I just read an article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about being blessed and making our dreams come true.  I realized the mistakes I have been making.  I have always believed in self-fulfilling prophecies and he actually confirmed it.  You become what you believe.  So now, I am going to start dreaming again and I hope everyone who reads my blog will do the same.

First step, according to Bo, is to visualize your dream.  Know what your dreams are and start visualizing it, feeling it, and really seeing it.  Well, let me start with my own dreams, from the short term to the long term.

1. Learn to play the violin

2. Learn how to dance

3. Learn how to play the drums

4. Learn how to play the piano’

5. Start taking up my MBA

6. Go to a place I have never been- outside the country

7. Pay off my credit card debts

8. Save at least 100k until my next birthday

Those are the dreams I have that I want to happen in the next 12 months.  I have already made my plans. Of course, what stopped me before is that my finances is not in a very good shape but with the increase I am going to receive this month and the expenses plan I have in mind, I will be able to save at least half of my salary starting July of this year.  This will give me enough finances to finance the activities I have in mind and still save some money.

1. Have a car - a second hand Honda Civic will be fine.

2. Have a house and lot - I plan to start with the lot by next year, probably somewhere in Laguna like what my boss keeps saying

3. Invest in the rice business of my cousin and re-start the duck farm -I want to start with this early next year.

4. My longer term plan is to have a farm in the province where I have a house, a fish pond, lots of trees, cows and pigs.

Number 4 can happen in the next 5 years.  I want to retire from regular work at the age of 40 and just work from home and spend time with my family - kids and husband (another short term dream =)

Once you already visualize your dream, you start working on those.  And last will be to Surrender your dreams to God.  Of course, there are dreams that will come true and there are dreams that won’t.  Yet, it does not really matter for things happen and don’t happen for our own good.  I believe that good things will come my way.  The best things I can imagine for I believe in God’s goodness.  His infinite goodness.  Problems will come, but cliche as you may say, there’s a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.  I believe and I know that my dreams, the dreams that I have listed here will come true.  I will keep you posted.

I had a dark week a couple of weeks ago.   A couple of days when I lost confidence in myself, my boss and perhaps, even in my God.  I am better now.  Thanks to my friends who never let me down.  I now have a different perspective. I guess I never realize my worth, recognize my accomplishments or see how hard I am working.  For me, everything is called for.  I am only doing my job.  Everything is not enough.  I still have a lot of things to do, to learn, to accomplish.  That God is just the one making things happen and if He will ever leave me, I am bound to fail.  Which is true in some ways but then I fail to see certain things.  Doing my job well is already an accomplishment.  That the fact the God never lets me down means He wants me here and not anywhere else.  And that everything I do without God will always be bound to fail.

This time, I am more ready to take on the challenges.  I will never let anything threaten or pull me down.  I will continue living my life the way I want to.  I will continue doing my job the best way I can.  I believe God will always be there.  Though I know failures will be inevitable, it is not the end of everything.  Failures are there to teach us what we did wrong so we can make things right.  No one is perfect but as long as I believe in God and myself, things will only get better.

My heart is so overwhelmed with love and joy for my Lord that I can smile in the midst of pain and suffering.

I use to feel secure about my job, my career.  In fact, you may say I thought this is my life.  I use to spend at least 12 hours in the office, work on weekends even when I am at home, think about work even when I am on vacation.  I would forgo of my break hours just to finish something.  I cancel meetings with my friends because something came up with work and I need to be there.  In short, my work is my life.

It was like that even in my previous company.  I make sacrifices so I can finish my work early, meet deadlines, etc, only to get burned out and demoralized later when I felt that my efforts were not being recognized.

I use to feel important at work.  My boss even tells me that I will inherit his position should he decide to retire already which is supposed to happen in about a year from now.  I have grown with the company.  I needed to catch up and I was able to deliver without any training.  My boss use to see that.  He use to tell me that I am good at what I do.  Now, he is telling me I am too young.  He seem to overlook the things I have accomplished.  He does not seem to realize how I have grown.

I use to feel that I can tell him anything but now I feel that those days are over.  He teases me whenever he sees any manifestation of my authority, the authority he gave me.  He does not seem to remember that he was the one who told me what I can do and cannot do, what I can say and cannot say and what I can decide on.  I am beginning to question my own worth.  I am beginning to feel unimportant.  Makes me ask myself if I have become too proud.  It was so easy for others to negotiate about their salary but it feels so difficult for me.  He makes me feel that I am asking too much though I know that I deserve that.  I know what I have accomplished, I know the weight of my responsibilities and it is as heavy as those whose salary is much higher than mine.  I hate to compare and I hate asking for something.  I have always believed that if I deserve it, it will be voluntarily given to me.  Honestly, I feel scared.  I feel so uncertain coz he might have said something now then change it tomorrow.

I don’t know if I am still supposed to be here.  Perhaps, I am not.  I hate working just for the sake of money.  I don’t work for money.  I don’t work for the sake of working.  Yet, with all these things I am feeling I feel like I don’t belong here anymore but I cannot leave because I am not financially ready and I hate the feeling that this seem to be the only thing that stops me from leaving.

I have had a lot of time to think during the long weekend.  It was a rather enlightening, depressing, and joyful time.  One thing I have realized is that only when I stop believing in something, that’s the only time it will stop existing.

We had our childhood dreams and somewhere along the way, we stopped believing those dreams will come true.  We had our previous relationships and until such time when we stop believing that the other person will come to us, on bended knees and asked us to come back in his arms we are not free.  As long as we believe that he still loves you, as long as you believe that the past will continue itself, you are still tied to that invisible rope connecting your past to your future.  You are not free.

Anyway, I let’s look at the brighter side of this. Don’t you think that when you continue believing in something, it will somehow come true?  That if we continue believing in the good in everyone, we will wake up one day to a different world where everyone is good?  That if we believe that our dreams will come true, they eventually will?  That if we keep on believing in true love, someday it will find us and stay?

I know there are things that we have to let go.  Things that we have to stop believing so we can move forward and step up to the next level, just like what I have said about the relationships we had.  Yet, I don’t thing there will be any harm believing in good things, in believing in our dreams and believing that someday we will be able to realize those dreams.

Summer is here!  What can be more exciting than going to the beach and having some fun under the sun?  I have always loved the summer season, especially during my school days.  Now, no matter how busy my schedule is, I really try to make it a point to go out of town or at least go to a nearby resort during this season.  I must say, I cannot say summer has been summer when I am not able to do this.  Anyway, a summer vacation need not be expensive.  If I don’t have a budget, I just go to a local resort which costs between Php50-150 per head for the entrance.  If you want to have a more extravagant vacation, you can perhaps do the following:

No coin policy.  I tried doing this before and it worked.  I normally don’t spend my accumulated coins and just put it in a coinbank.  You will be surprised at how much you will save after a certain time.  You can add this savings to your spending money.  Of course, if you start earlier then you might have been able to save enough for your entire vacation.

Watch out for promo rates.  Normally, airlines will have a promo on the fare tickets.  Rates can be as cheap as less than Php100o.   Summer is also a peak season for most hotels but there will surely be some promo rates still so do your research.

In whatever you do, it always pays to do some research upfront.  It will also be helpful to determine how much you can afford first as this is a very important factor in determining where you can go and how long you can stay on your vacation.  It will not be ideal to go splurge on a vacation and come back broke.  You can use your credit card and part of your savings but make sure that you will not go overboard.

You can follow these steps in planning for your vacation:

1.  Determine how much you can afford then from there decide on where you can go and how long you can stay in your destination.

2. List down all possible expenses - fare, accommodation, taxes, food, entertainment and miscellaneous.

3. Research about your destination - getting around, accommodation, restaurants, etc.  Look for alternative.

4.  Make necessary adjustments.  After determining all possible expenses, you can now determine if you have enough budget and where you can adjust.

No matter where you go, whether somewhere cheap or expensive, the most important thing is that you have fun.  Do things you have never done before to make your vacation more memorable.  Even when things go wrong or did not turn out what you expect them to be, just look at the brighter side and think that you are on vacation and you are supposed to have fun.