Why did you decide to stay?  I was hoping you wont.  I know I’d miss you but at least the pain of missing you will only last for a couple of days.  While the torture of seeing you each day, getting too close, definitely requires a lot of willpower.  I have learned not to analyze what is going on between us so I won’t bring my hopes up only to be hurt if my hopes are not met.  I have learned to compartmentalize my feelings and try to just enjoy your company without feeling more.  But every now and then I experience some relapse when I feel something.  I feel something now.  I am thinking now. Puzzled with how things are going and feeling a bit lost again.

How can we stay friends after what happened?  After I admitted my feelings, how can we stay friends?  I cannot comprehend why you do this to me.  I told you that I wanted to keep some distance but you sort of invite me to have lunch with you.  We kept on going like nothing happened, like I didn’t make the biggest confession of my life.  Ah, maybe you don’t really feel anything that is why you can go on like this.  But what about me?  What about my feelings?  What if I really fall for you and as you said, I am not your type so there is no chance you will feel the same.  I am not sure how I can handle that.

I prayed to God to take you out of my life if we are not meant for each other.  But now that you are staying, I cannot really know for sure that we are meant to be together.  Maybe during the two months that you are gone, something will happen that will bring us apart.  Or maybe, I will meet someone who will protect me from falling for you.  Maybe, I will find the one for me. Maybe…..

I woke up and found you in my mind.  How can you stay there for so long?  Do you not sleep at all?  I wonder how I can ever get rid of you?  Can I ask a doctor to pull you out of there permanently?  If he is able to do so, then, will I be able to recognize you when I see you across the street?  Or will my heart skip when I see you again and I won’t understand why?

I wonder what my life will be without you.  You keep on messing with my mind - both in a good and bad way.  I just talked to you this evening and it although the conversation did not really leave me feeling good, I was really thankful we had that conversation.  You asked me questions I never asked myself before but should have asked.  You made me think about who I am and what I can become.  I told you that it is always great to have a friend who challenges you to become a better person.  Then you told me that it is good to have someone with whom you can have discussions with and share your opinion with and even if you do not always agree, it only becomes challenging and not aggravated.

I guess these conversations made me think about you.  These are probably the reasons why you are always on my mind and even if I ask a doctor to remove you from my memory, I will always be drawn to you when you start talking.  As I keep on telling you, we share the same values.   I sometimes wonder where these conversations will lead us though.  Wherever that is, I am thankful that I have taken this journey.  I am thankful that I met you for you helped put my life into perspective.  I was looking the wrong way then.  I may not be doing perfectly now but I know I am making more progress now than before.

For all these things, I want to thank you and wherever you go, I will never forget you.

I am now counting the days until that day when you will be out of my life.  Well, at least physically but I will probably want to just end it there.  I will most likely not get in touch with you anymore once you left this country.  I will just consider you as someone I met and helped me find my way.  Someone who led me to where I am now and gave me a glimpse of where I want and should go.

Well, my biggest worry is not really when you will leave but when you decide to stay.  Our friendship seem to be getting deeper and I am beginning to care for you more and more.  When you leave, I will probably be sad for a while.  I will miss you for sure.  I will miss the endless conversations we seem to have.  We never seem to run out of topics to talk about - whether it is just a stupid topic or something more profound.  But I know that when you leave, I can move on after a day or two.  Yet, if you stay, our friendship might even grow deeper that it may be harder for me to detach myself from you.  The attachment will grow stronger.  How would I feel when you start dating someone?  How would I feel when you have someone already and I am still alone?  It will feel like I have lost my bestfriend.  It will be more difficult to deal with than when you just leave now.  I can be possessive and jealous.  I will surely feel bad that my bestfriend is spending less and less time with me.

I saw you this evening and you showed me your gift for one of our officemates.  I felt jealous.  I thought I was special when you gave me a gift on my birthday but I guess, I wasn’t.  That was what’s on my mind when you showed me the gift.  You probably saw that in my face and immediately you said that you definitely gave me a bigger box of chocolates.  It is funny how you can read my thoughts.

I remember during our meeting when I smiled and you said, “I know that smile, that means you are smiling but you are not okay”.

I guess you know me more than anyone else, sometimes you seem to know me more than I know myself.  No matter what happened, I know that you will remain a special part of me.  I will never forget you in two weeks just like what you said.  I will probably never forget you at all.  How can I forget the only person with whom I was able to share all my thoughts without being judged?  How can I forget that person who showed me that part of myself that I have never seen before?  How can I forget all the conversations we had?  How can I forget the friend I have learned to love?

Realization or denial?  I am not really sure what this is but I definitely feel relieved.  After our conversation earlier, discussing our feelings, I came to realize that our relationship will not become better if we are together in a romantic way.  Getting romantic will tear us apart.  We are better off as friends than lovers and I think that is exactly what we feel.  We feel comfortable with each other since we share the same values and although we do not always have the same opinion about things, we still respect our differences.  I rarely find a man I can talk to the way I talk to you.  With you, I can speak my mind without fearing that you will find what I will say offensive or take it against me.  I enjoy your company and I know that you feel the same with me but we do not really see each other beyond that.  I do not see myself holding hands with you nor kissing you.  I want you to give me a hug but it was probably because of the security that it entails.  The warmth and security that a friend’s hug can give you when you feel down.

How deep is our friendship?  I don’t really know.  All I know now is that it is deep enough for me to confuse it with something romantic.  Deep enough to make me start thinking that if you are that important, maybe I am in love with you.  But not deep enough to make me feel that I want to spend the rest of my life with you.

Friday, April 8, 2011.  You handed me your resignation letter just before I left.  I hated that my class was moved to that day.  I wanted to stay longer and talk to you more or have coffee with you after work but I cannot.  My class got in the way.  But I guess, it worked to my advantage as well.  I could have admitted how I felt then if I had more time.  I felt like crying, honestly.  My heart felt like it was going to burst that I couldn’t breathe.  I asked you if it will be too weird if I tell you that I feel like crying at that moment.  You told me don’t cry and that if I ever go to Holland, you will be there and we can smoke weed and go to the red light district together.  We use to joke about those things being the only thing you can really do in your country.  You also told me that I will surely forget about you after two weeks.  Then I had to leave and you went with me until I got a cab.  A gesture that I really appreciated.  If you only knew that at that moment, what I really want to do is hug you and be embraced by your strong arms.

That day, you seem quite anxious.  I have never seen you look so sad and frustrated without telling me the reason.  That Friday, you just said that you are already tired and do not feel like working anymore but there are still some things that you need to do.  You were probably tired but I would like to think it is because you also have a lot to say but cannot say it.

The hardest thing I think is the fact that there are so many things I want to tell you but I cannot.  I wanted to tell you that I want to go with you.  I wanted to ask you and beg you to stay.  I wanted to tell you that I love you. I wanted to tell you that when you leave, my life will definitely be more difficult.  You made things easier to bear.  You made me see myself in a different light.  Made me believe in myself more.  You saw through me.  I wonder if you also saw how I really feel for you.  If you did, why won’t you tell me how you feel?  Or maybe, you just don’t feel anything so there is nothing to be said.

Today feels rather tragic.  Seeing you, talking to you, being with you while fearing that you will be leaving soon.  How I wish I can tell you the things I really want to say.  How I wish I can tell you how much I care.  I wonder if you will even care to hear what I want to say.

I am actually faced with a dilemma.  I know that if I tell you about my feelings, there is a chance that you will not speak with me again.  There is a chance that you will tell me that you feel the same.  I also know that if I don’t tell you my heart might explode any moment.  I know that if I don’t tell you there is a chance that I will regret it all my life.  Or maybe, I won’t.  Maybe I will be able to forget that you even exist after a couple of days.  But yes, let’s see what happens.  It has been a while since I feel this strong about someone.  You drive me nuts.  You made me see things differently.  You made me feel like I mattered and that I am good.

Let’s see what happens in the next couple of days.  Maybe you will say something, maybe you won’t.  I pray for God to guide me.

Am I too transparent?  Do I really wear my heart on my sleeves?  Do you already know how I feel about you?  Have you read my blog?  I am not really sure what happened today.  I almost exploded with emotions.  You seem so happy today which actually made me happy as well.  You just don’t know how my heart jumped when I saw you coming to the place where I am buying lunch.  Another chance for us to spend time together, I told myself.  Then, you shared the table with your teammates and I decided to give way and just go to the other table and spend lunch by myself.  Well, I could have joined you but I prefer not to so you can spend time with other people.  But when you joined me after, it really made me happy.  The fact that you did not want me to read the book I was trying to read because you want to talk to me made me smile.

You just don’t know how bad I felt when you mentioned about your ticket back to your country.  How sad and jealous I was when you keep on saying her name and that you want to be with her during our out of town trip.  I don’t really know how I can get even or if I can ever make you feel the intensity of the feelings that I have when I don’t really know how you feel about me.

How I want to walk away or pull you out of my life right now.  I am falling so fast I am not sure if I can even stop myself from falling.  I tried to get hold of everything that I can hold on to just to stop this from happening.  I tried to revive the feelings that I no longer have for another man.  I tried to be closer to my other male friends hoping that I will soon feel something for any of them.  I tried not to speak with you but I know I just can’t.  If I can only walk away right now and not see you anymore, I will really do it.  If I can only resign from my job just so I will not be seeing you, I will.  But I have to stay for a while until that time when I know I can already fly.  There is really no way out but through flying.  If I will just walk, I will not reach a distance far enough to forget you.

I remember the movie, The Proposal.  There, Sandra said that she and Andrew were just two people who were not mean to fall in love but fell in love.  Sadly, for us, it is just one way.  I am just a person who is not supposed to fall in love but did.  I am not really sure if this is love already.  Far too soon to say that I am or should I say, far too scared to say that I am.

I remember you said you made some gestures for her to notice how you feel and I said women don’t really go for gestures, they need words.  Why are you telling me this?  You have no idea what goes to my mind when you did.  My chest almost burst with anger and jealousy that I had to talk to her and tell her you want her to join us tomorrow.  Probably not the best way to get even but definitely a way for me to see how serious you are.  You seem to be quite serious though and I guess, that made it more painful.

Tomorrow, I will see you again.  Not quite sure how I will be able to handle those two days with you.  I might get caught in a whirlwind of emotions and I hope the others will not notice it.  I just hope that at the end of those two days, my heart will not be too broken, not as broken as it is now.

Seems that I am writing here for three days in a row now.  I just need to clear my mind from all the things that bother me.  I always find writing therapeutic.  It makes me realize things and helps me put things in perspective.  I may not always be able to find the answers to my questions through writing but at least it helps clear my thoughts.  I am no longer a fan of Harry Potter but  writing can be compared to basin that the wizards use to unload their thoughts.

I am experiencing a roller coaster of emotions and I am never really good at it.  I know that things will happen at the right time and if it is meant to happen, it will happen.  Although I also believe in crossroads and the outcome will depend on the choices that we make.  I don’t know what path I should choose.  It feels good to stay where I am right now but in front of me, I see the red light blinking, warning me that I should start moving otherwise, I will get stuck and something might hit me in the future - probably a train, a bus or a bike.  I won’t really know how much pain I will feel when that time comes and I am still here.  I am lucky if the pain is just like getting hit by a bike but what if it is a train?  Then, that will definitely leave me broken into bits.  C

I am not sure if anyone who reads this will even understand what I mean.  Well, I am not really writing much for an audience but more for myself.  Who cares if you do not understand?  Well, somehow I do.  But the purpose of this blog is for me to write and not really for anyone to read.   Well, before, the purpose is really to try to influence people and hopefully give hope and make some people believe in my God.  But in this particular period of my life, I cannot do that.  How can I give something that I do not have?  I am still lost, how can I give direction?  I am still broken, how can I help fix someone?  I am a work in progress.  Can you imagine, after all these years, I am still broken?  People, I think, are like that.  We are never really 100% okay.  For some, they are probably lucky to be at 99.99% okay but most of us are probably at around 80 or 90%.  But what is important is that we continue to grow.  Reading through my thoughts, I do not really know where I am heading.  I guess, things are finally unveiling themselves and I am beginning to either make sense or become even more nonsense.  Well, I am growing for sure.  I can say that I am a better person now compared to what I was when I started this blog.  I have done and thought of things that I never imagined I can do or even conceive.  God is with me and I think that is all the matters and He is definitely responsible for bringing me here.

I guess we are going to say goodbye soon.  Well, I already knew this will happen.  From the start, I know that you are not here to stay.  I guess, I let myself feel things I should not feel in the first first place.  How stupid can one be?  I just never learn my lesson.  Anyway, I was probably wrong.  The chemistry was not there.  I only saw the things I wanted to see.  My eyes deceived me.

I will wake up one day and you will no longer be there.  I will no longer see your smile nor will I have someone to whom I can express my frustrations to.  Back to my old life, my old safe and uncomplicated life.  I want to stay there actually.  I want to stay in that shell where I am safe.

I wish I was able to run away from you before I even started feeling this way.  That is what I am good at, running away.  I run when I am scared.  I run when I don’t like the things that happen around me.  I go back to my own space, my own secluded place away from everyone.  I wish I went back there before I started caring for you.

Should I still tell you about it?  I am not sure if you should even know but I would probably want to let it out.  But what will happen if I do that?  Will I feel better or will it make things worse?  It will probably make things worse.

It has been a long time since I opened this blog.  A lot of things happened, as always that stopped me from spending some time to write or maybe, I just didn’t know how to write my thoughts or the events in a way that will give them justice.  The past three years of my life had been quite eventful.  A lot of things changed that there are times when you can no longer see any traces of the past except through the memories or some pictures that had been left behind.  I am not even sure if I would want to remember some of the things that happened before but I guess, sometimes they are worth remembering for they served as the stones that led me to where I am now.  There are days when I feel like I woke up from a dream or days when I feel like I am in a dream.  Days that I fear would never last and days that I wanted to end.

I guess, that is life.  With all the ups and downs, twists and turns, you suddenly find yourself in places where you want to stay and where you cannot stay any longer than a few seconds.  It also brings people in and out of our lives.  Some stay only a few seconds, some a few hours, days or years.  Some you want to hold on to.  Some, you just want to get rid of.  It is full of things we like and things we hate.   Things that heals and things that hurt.

If someone will asks if there is anything I want to change, I will not deny that there are things that I want to be erased from my past.  Yet, on second thought, if those things that happened before did not happen, will my present life still be the same?  Maybe yes and maybe no.  So, with that thought I may decide not to change anything at all.  I am not saying my life is perfect now but I surely have grown a lot over the years and I believe the events in the past helped me grow and reach where I am now.  I still have some fears, doubts, and feel a lot of different emotions, both positive and negative but I believe it is part of being human.  The more I feel, the more human I become.  I will still fear the future every now and then but looking back to my past and looking at my present, the fears will subside.  I know that my life is in the hands of God and wherever life takes me, wherever those Hands take me, I will surely get somewhere where life is better either literally or metaphorically.  I may not see it in an instant, just like the fact that I did not see that my past will lead to this kind of present but with faith, I can surely get by.