After a few failed relationships, I thought I know better.  But you are just so different from the rest.  First, you were never really my usual type.  I don’t know why I even bothered paying attention.  It is just so weird that the man I don’t normally like is the man who treats me this way.  I hate this feeling of not being in control.  I wanted to stay away but you drew me near.  And now, you are pushing me away.  How weird is that?  I am beginning to hate you for doing this to me.  I am beginning to hate you for the things you do to me or the things you make me feel.  How can you lie to me?  What good will you get out of this?  What good will you get in hurting me?

How do you close a book when you don’t know it’s ending?  How do you say goodbye to someone whom you haven’t met?  How do you say you’re lost when you haven’t even started your journey?  How do you say it’s over when it hasn’t even began?  I don’t know but all I know is that I miss you.  I miss having you around.  I miss the rantings you often made me hear.  I miss hearing you complain about a lot of things.  I miss all the talks we had, no matter how trivial or short it may be.  I miss hearing you laugh or just seeing you smile.  I miss everything about you.  But I know, you don’t miss me.  So let me just try to slowly let go of this feelings that I have for you.  Just don’t let me see you ever again, hoping that your absence will make my heart forget.  I know, I have to do this for myself.  It won’t matter to you, I know though I am hoping that it does.  I know it won’t matter to you even if you don’t see me and even if I am gone.  It hurts… I will not lie about it.  It really does.  But what can I do?  I can live my life without you, I was actually living my life for over 28 years now and your presence nor your absence doesn’t really make me dead.  Yet, it was so much nicer when you were here.  It was so much lovelier when we were together.  I smile more when you and I are still close.  Life seems to be more worthwhile then.  Now, I am living, I am alive.  Yes, I am happy but somehow a part of me seems empty.  But I know, I have to learn to smile more even when you are not around because to you I am just someone and not really the one.  I know you don’t belong to anyone but I am not sure if you will ever be mine… Perhaps, never but still, I am hoping for forever.  Who knows what tomorrow will bring?  I just hope this pain that I am feeling will pass soon.  I hope to end this chapter but I don’t know how it should end and that makes it hard for me.  I want to know how this story should end before I put the book down.  Perhaps, in the end it will just be goodbye.  Whatever it is, I know it is for the best.

About a year ago, he left. I didn’t see it coming. I thought it was meant to last forever. Yet, it ended and I had no choice but to move on. Then, we met. I never really expected anything from that meeting. It was just that - a rather weird interview. I was given a direct order to keep the interview short since the only purpose of the interview is to gauge what type of people will apply for that new position that we have. The deal was not close yet so we cannot really spend too much time on it. So, I was doing the interview conscious of two things - that I must keep it short but still get an idea on the type of person you are and the type of skills you have and at the same time since you look nice, my boss will surely tease me when he sees you. He enters the conference room, get some water and I was speechless. I don’t know how to keep the interview short, I have no idea which questions should be removed from my list of questions. I was so spaced out that you ended up asking the questions. In the end, I didn’t get a lot of information and the interview became the longest interview I have ever done - co z I was not the only one doing the interview. Yet, I must say it was quite an interesting one.

So, the interview was over. A month after, the deal was closed and I had to invite you again for another interview. In between your first and your second interview, I was trying to live a new life. Closing deals, traveling around, try to see my friends more often. In general, I was trying to have some fun and enjoying my “singleness”. Then, your next interview date came and you did not show up. Not that I know you well but based on the last interview, you did not seem to be the type of person who will not show up on an interview. You even texted me during the weekend before your first interview just to ask if you can submit your portfolio prior to the interview. I was in Baguio at that time and though you do not really need to submit prior to your interview, if I was in Manila I would have dropped by the office just to meet with you. If you will ask why, it was perhaps because you seem to be eager and I cannot turn down someone with such eagerness.

Your second interview was supposed to be on a Monday, December 10, 2007 yet you did not show up. That same evening, I got an email from my ex. In that email, he said that he loves me and he wants me back. That he regrets leaving me and that he will do anything to have me back. I was on tears. I was disgruntled. I was confused. I was so lost that I chose not to come to work the following day. I talked to God and asked Him what He wants me to do. I was praying to Him and asking Him that if I will ever fall in love again, let it be with the man who will love me and never leave me. Then, I got a message from you, asking when your next interview will be and that you got a call but the caller did not confirm the schedule. I needed company then andt somehow, I felt that you are the answer to my prayer. So, I rescheduled the interview the next day, telling you that I am on leave and that I am sick. You replied and that was the beginning of our friendship.

Your second interview is the total opposite of your first. Well, I must say when I saw you at the door of the office I felt like you were not the guy I remember from the first interview. Then, again your interview with my general manager was the shortest interview ever. It was short but he said that you are the perfect guy for the job and that he even told me that you are cute and that I should use my position to get to you. I was just smiling. Everything seem to fall into place.

There were exchanges of text messages, IM messages, pictures, phone calls. It was all great in the beginning and it is making me scared. Time passed. My ex still wants me back but now that you are here, he has no place in my life anymore. Not that I am in love with you already but you opened my eyes to more possibilities. You got me convinced that I am better off without him. As we get closer, the more I become scared. I wanted to k eep my distance but you seem to pull me closer. Remember when I removed your number from my phonebook so I won’t contact you? You made me feel guilty for doing that and it seems that you were also hurt when I did that. Remember when I removed your comment in Friendster? I had to do it coz it gives me too much hope on what we can become. But you said you put so much effort on writing it and it is really so mean of me to remove it. Remember when I told you that I don’t want to fall in love again coz I don’t want to get hurt again? You said I should read angel ivan. That I should not be afraid to take risks.

I can never forget that day when we met at Mini Stop. I was supposed to have dinner with a friend that night and I was running late. Yet, you were so persistent and told me that it would only take 15 mins. You were laughing when I told my friend that I have a client and that I will leave in 5 mins. By the way, you bought a Hershey drink then…. It was a short meeting but it was fun.

Then, February 4, 2008 came. Your first client interview. We had dinner at McDonalds then. By then, you already know a lot about me. My past, my deepest secret. I know some of those were not that acceptable but I wanted you to fall for me knowing that. I wanted you to fall in love with the whole me - flaws and all. I felt your acceptance, it seems alright. You even gave me some advice and that I should not be insecure. I should never pity myself for what happened. Slowly, my defenses are falling and you seem to encourage that. I am not sure but there was even a time when I thought I heard you say I love you before I hang up. Then, when I told you that there is only a five month probation period you said “I love you na yan” and even repeated it a lot of times. So, your interview did not go well. You seem to be too nervous that you can hardly express yourself. I was rather disappointed. I feared that you will not get the job. I was saddened by the thought that our friendship might end and I might lose you completely. You were also very disappointed. I could feel it, I could see it I wanted to hug you, but I know I cannot do that. That night, you went away and I fear that things will never be the same. Yet, I got a message from you, asking me to go online so we could chat.  Then, you told me how disappointed you were and that you felt that you failed me and my boss.  How I wished I can give you a hug to comfort you.

So I prayed that night.  I prayed hard.  I asked God for His will to unfold.  If we are meant for each other, you will get that job.  But if not, I pray that I will be able to forget you soon.  I asked Him to protect my heart, never to let it be broken again.  Then, we waited.  As we wait, we have become close friends and you knew about my feelings.  It became more and more difficult for me to wait.  I asked you to just cancel your application coz I fear for my own feelings.  I wanted to run away from you but I just cannot bring myself to do so.  I know that will be harder to do when you get accepted in the job.  I sent you information on job openings in other companies but I don’t think you ever applied to any of those.  I often ask you to tell me how you feel about me, but you won’t.  Yet, you promised to tell me soon after you are accepted for the job.

February 20, 2008, you were offered the position.  February 29, 2008, you came to my apartment for my birthday celebration.  You made me feel that what we have is something real.  March 10, 2008, you started working in our company.  That night, we went out for a walk and I had to return to the office afterwards but you did not join me.  That night, I sent you a message saying that what we have is really very one sided.  The following morning, you said that it was not your intention to do that.  You were just protecting me from gossips.  That I am the HR Manager and what would people think when they see us together on your first day at work.  You even said something about Koreanovelas.  So, I forgave you.

As days pass by, it became harder for me to wait.  Yet, when I ask you, you always tell me that I should be patient.  That you want to get settled first.  One day, we had our talk again and you told me that you don’t want to hit the tiger when it’s weak.  That my website and the banner beside you (both about weddings) is trying to say something.  That I am not the only one with shit in my past.  That you don’t want me te be sad.  You said, I should take it easy.

Whenever I ask you to tell me how you feel, you will say be patient.  Whenever I ask you if you miss me, you just smile.  It is so easy to say no.  I had been asking for that but never did.  Whenever I get jealous, you actually try to defend yourself and explain as if I have the right to confront you about it.  There was even a time when you tell me that I am your close friend and lahat lahat na nga.  What do you mean by that?  Are you just trying to be a gentleman?  Do you think that by not telling me, I will just give up one day and you won’t have to feel guilty for telling me that there is nothing there?  But why do you tell me your problems that you said no one else but me knows about?  Is that a mere drama so I won’t push you further to tell me how you feel?  But why do you only open up to me, as what you claim to do?

It all started so great.  I felt that God answered my prayer but as I wait for you to confirm that, I know I did some things that I was not supposed to do.  Somehow, I am to blame for driving you away.  But you also have your faults.  I guess, we sort of messed up God’s plan for us.  Or perhaps, that is all there is.  In the beginning, I was so convinced that you are the one.  Now, I am confused.  Perhaps, I got it all wrong.  Perhaps, you were just there for a reason - that is to help me recover from my pain.  Now, after one year, my wounds should have been healed.  You have served your purpose and now you have to go.

After seeing your picture with Hershey, I don’t know what to think anymore.  When you said she is just a friend, I wanted to believe you even if the picture s said a different story.  But when you deleted me from your Friendster list, that means something.  I had to keep my distance.  I had to heal my wounds.  I had been badly bruised for I felt that you fooled me.  I felt that you have betrayed me and used me.  So, it had to end.  I am letting go now and letting God.  I will not do anything to have you back.  I will not say a word to you, except those that I am required to.  I will back off.  Anyway, I guess this is the best way for me to prove what I mean to you.  If I am of any importance, you will reach out.  I am keeping my distance not because of my pride.  I am keeping my distance because I want to know what I mean to you.  If you will reach out to me, that will be great.  If you will not, then I guess I will just continue doing what I am doing right now.  As I keep my distance physically, I am also trying to take my heart back from you.

Take my heart.  I’m so tired of loving other men.  Let me just love You and You alone.

Take my mind.  Fill it with thoughts of You.  In that way, I will only have positive thoughts.  In that way, I will be happy.  My paths will be straight and I will never go astray.

Take my body.  Let me serve you with all my strength.  Let me offer all my works to you.  Let me be your servant, let me serve your people.

Take my soul.  In your presence, I find peace.  In your presence, I feel loved.  Let me just be with you always.

All I am is yours.  Nosbody owns me but You.  Let no man claim what is yours unless you allow them to.  Let everyone who want to be a part of my life pass through you.  Screen their hearts, screen their intentions.  Only the man who will love me till the end can claim my heart from you… only the man you have reserve for me and no one else.  Please don’t let my heart be broken again.  I’m letting go Lord.  I’m letting you take charge of my life.  Take it.  It is yours.

I tried all day to avoid him yet, at the end of the day, I still go back and recall all those moments when  our paths have crossed.  But now I know, this is the right thing to do.  I need to avoid you.  I need to learn not to want to be with you.  For my own sake.  This time, I will let go and I will let God.  Then, and only then can things start falling into place.  Whether you just came into my life for a reason or for a lifetime, I will know….in God’s time.  For now, I am happy letting it be.  I am happy letting God do His work.  I may still miss you.  I may still think about you.  I don’t know what the future will bring.  I don’t know if tomorrow, I will still feel the same.  All I know is that whatever happens, it will always be what’s best for me.

It was September 12, 2007 when he left. My whole world crashed on that day that if death comes to those who wish for it, I would have died a thousand times that day. All my dreams turned to dust. I felt that life is not worth living anymore and tomorrow is just another day of torment. I was lost.

It was November 19, 2007 when we first met. It was December 11, 2007 when our friendship started. I was in the process of healing a broken heart. Trying to live my life again. Starting my life over. I was too scared at that time…. Too scared to get hurt again. Yet, you eased my mind. You told me not to economize on love, that I should not be afraid to take risks for who knows if the other person is also willing to take those risks with me. Slowly, my defenses went down. There are no walls between us now. You already have my heart. But until now, I still don’t know if I even matter to you.

When he left, I asked God to protect my heart. I asked Him that if I will ever fall in love again, let it be with the man who will really love me, the man He reserved for me. When I met you, I felt that God answered my prayer. Yet now, I am in love with you and I am hurting. My faith tells me to believe that if I asked God to protect my heart, He will and He did. Yet, a part of me is asking if I let God guide me or did I stir away from His direction. Yet, why did He put us in the position where it will be hard for me to avoid you? Why did He let you work in the same company when He could have just led you somewhere else?

I pray for God’s will to unfold. If you’re not meant for me, then help me get over this feeling that I feel for you. If we are meant for each other, I pray for patience and hope. That if you are meant for me, help me be patient until it’s time for His will to unfold. It is easy to believe, but it’s the waiting that’s hard to endure. If I believe the wrong thing, then I pray for God to tell me what to believe.

I just read the article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about having a Joy List.  I ask myself, what makes me happy.  I actually don’t know.  Sometimes, it seems that my happiness just depends on one person - the man I love.  If he is happy, I’m also happy.  If he ignores me, then I become sad.  Whenever he treats me nicely, my heart is filled with joy.  Whenever he is mean to me, then my heart breaks into pieces.  I feel that somehow, I am losing myself.  Same goes with my job.  It seems that my work dictates me and it is not me who dictates my course at work.  It feels like I am doing things because they have to be done and if I don’t do it, things will get messed up.  In general, I am not really happy.  I am thankful that my life is good but I am not really happy.

What can make a person really happy?  I think it is the inner peace that we have.  Our relationship with God and other people.  I want to pray more because when I pray, I feel a different peace, a different kind of happiness.  I feel serene.  I want to help other people.  It pains me whenever I hear stories of people giving up on their dreams or those people who find it hard to make ends meet.  It pains me whenever I hear other companies terminating their employees to cut cost.  It hurts me when I hurt other people, even if it is the right thing to do.  It makes me sad to see other people suffering or unhappy.  It hurts me when I think that the man I love does not care about me.

What can make me happy at this point in my life?  I don’t really know.  That is if you define happiness in a deeper sense of the word.  Yet, you will still see me smiling.  I smile whenever I see people happy.  I smile when I see people reaching for their dreams and being able to reach it.  I smile when I do something good.  Those are the instances when I can say that I am happy.  But somehow, some part of me bleeds for I don’t know where I am going.  The company is growing really fast and I am letting that growth dictate my course.  Instead of me holding the steering wheel, it is the company that steers my life.  I feel like I am a puppet and the puppet master at the same time.  I hold the strings but the strings dictate my movements but I cannot set myself free coz if I do, my world will crash.

I don’t want to be consumed by this growth, instead, I want to hold the wheel.  I want to be on top of things and not let these things come on top of me.  It’s sad that you have to let go of something, to sacrifice something to achieve something.  In the end, I know I cannot have it all but if I had to choose - I would rather lose everything I have worked hard for than lose my soul.

It was November 2007 when we first met.  It was a rather strange meeting.  You were the interviewee and I was your interviewer.  You applied as a graphic designer in our company and I am the HR manager who do the screening of applicants.  The interview went well, in fact, it was a rather long interview coz we both asked each other questions related and unrelated to the objective of the interview.  It felt like we have something special.  Months passed and December came, it was your interview with our general manager.  You did not show up.  That night, I got an email from my ex, asking me to love him again.  Asking me to start over.  I felt so confused and needed to take some time to rest and think so I took a leave the next day.  Then, I got a message from you.  I needed some company and you gave me just what I needed.  That is how we became close.

I was scared from the start.  I knew how  vulnerable I am at that time.  But you gave me some signals and I thought it was safe to moward.  Still, I tried to stop myself from falling in love with you until that day when I read your comment in friendster…that soon, you will be my angel ivan.  Suddenly, all my defenses went down.  I lost control and started to fall for you.  Still I see the warning signs so I asked you not to continue with your application coz I might fall in love with you.  Yet, you did not heed my pleas.  You went on and got hired.

You promised me you were going to tell me how  you feel when you get accepted.  You tell me things that made me hope and hold on to my feelings.  Then, Mark came into my life.  I have learned to like him and I was happy in his company.  During those days, I was able to distance myself from you.  Those were the days that I never cared much about you.  I don’t know if it was intentional, but when I am almost over you, you tried to reel me in.  Suddenly, you ask ed me if we can talk.  Suddenly, I had been receiving messages from you again.  You answer my calls again.  You were nice to me again.  I slowly slipped away from Mark’s company and under your spell again. Then, you started ignoring me again.  You went back to your old habit of ignoring me.

Now, I do not have Mark anymore.  Somehow, our friendship seemed to fade because I was so consumed by my thoughts of you.  All I have now is my broken heart.  You hurt me but you made me feel and you always say that it is my fault.  You tell me that I am wrong for doing this and that but you never really understood nor tried understand why I do such things.  You never understood that I get jealous because I love you.  That it hurts me see you treat other girls nicer than you treat
me.  I don’t understand why you are easily mad at the simple mistakes that I do.  I don’t understand why you cannot tell me that you don’t love me at all.  I don’t understand why you want me to wait for the answer to my question when you can immediately just tell me to just leave you alone.  I don’t understand why you treat me this way.  Don’t you see that by not telling me, you are just making things worse?  Can’t you see that our work is also affected?  Why not just tell me so we can both move forward and I can start moving on?  I guess, I will just take the initiative of telling myself that it is not worth it.  That this story is not meant to have a happy ending.  That I should stop now and start moving on.  I cannot waste my life on something that is not worth it.  I will just hurt myself more in the end if I wait for your answer that definitely not positive.  I better stop now.  I better say goodbye now and stop being a fool.

I guess, I will never understand how and why two people meet only to part ways. How a seemingly nice story ends in a tragic way. I don’t know why you came into my life. I don’t understand why we had to meet just so you can break my heart. I prayed so hard for my heart not to be broken again. Yet, I guess I read the signs the wrong way. I should have stopped earlier. I shouldn’t have let you come this close. I should have kept my distance. Now, I had to leave. Now, I had to keep my distance and my heart is breaking at every step of the way. I have learned to love you. I have learned to care. Now, I have to stop caring, I have to depart. But I have to say goodbye. It’s time to move on for I have realized that you can never love me. Somehow, I cannot help but feel that you used me but I try not to think that way. Sana lang, di mo na ako pinaasa. You know what I had been through yet, you still hurt me. Sana hindi na kita nakilala. I wish fate didn’t bring you into my life. Sana hindi na kita minahal para di na ko nasasaktan. Why did you touch my heart if you only mean to break it? Wala naman akong ginawang masama sayo, pero bakit ganyan ka? I may have committed some mistakes and might have hurt you in some ways, but I hope you realize that it wasn’t my intention to do that. I would have said things that hurt you but I hope you know that if I hurt you, I hurt myself even more. All I can do is ask why but I am not sure if you will give me an answer. And I guess, I can never understand why you did the things you did and say the things you have said. So, just set me free and let me say goodbye and i love you for the last time.

I always ask myself, what is the meaning of this life. I ask myself, is this what God really want me to be? Is this the part that I have to play? I search for meaning. I long for meaning.

It is easy to say that we do not need anyone to be happy. That your happiness should not come from other people but from within yourself. It is easy to say you should not rely on someone else but yourself, your own strength. But is the meaning of life when you are just living for yourself? What happiness will you attain by just pleasing yourself? Fleeting pleasures…that is all there is.

I need to be important to someone before I find my meaning. I need to be loved by someone for me to say my life is worthwhile. I need to make someone happy so I can find a lasting happiness.

Isn’t it that we find joy when we give something to someone who is in need? It makes us significant. It gives value to our being.

As an employee, won’t your boss value you more if you do your job well? Thus, you need his approval to say you are worth every penny that the company pays you.

Your life will only have meaning if you share it with others. It does not necessarily be your boyfriend or your husband. It can be the streetkids you adopted. It can be your aging parents whom you take care of. It can be your grandmother who depends on you. It can be that kid you see on the street who look up to you. It can be the people in the shelter where you voluntered.

Before, I was afraid to live my life alone. I even said that if given a choice, I will only choose two among the three vocations: either the consecrated life or married life. I was afraid that no one will take care of me when I become an oldmaid. Then, I realize, there is more to life than that. I can be a spinster but it doesn’t mean my life has to be meaningless. There are a lot of institutions where I can offer my help and in return, I know they will take care of me in my old age. Now, I am not afraid to lose my meaning. Now, I am not afraid to be alone. I have something to share, I have my life to share and it doesn’t matter whom I share it with. As long as I share in good faith, with love, I will be fine.