For one year, I sort of turned my back from dating other men.  I tried but it just didn’t work.  I always back out last minute when a friend invites me to go somewhere or meet someone.  Now, after that Friday evening, I am opening my door again.  So, when my friend invited me last Wednesday, I dropped everything and went with her.  She introduced me to a rather interesting guy.  That evening, I was feeling light and happy.  It’s like another door had been opened for me.  Though, fate seem to be playing along since one of the guys there have the same name as yours.  I just smiled at the thought that that night is supposedly a night without you but I just received a rather huge reminder.  It’s a bit like a slap on my face.  Yet, the night went well.  Perhaps, it’s because of that evening that I was able to face the next day with a new outlook in life.

I look forward to seeing him again.  I look forward to meeting other people again.  I felt a bit stuck for a while and now things are moving forward.  Let’s see where destiny takes me.

I cried that night, yes.  I was hurt, that’s true.  Yet, that night brought a lot of good things to me.  I am not sure about how you feel after we talked that evening, but for me, after all the hurting, I was able to realize a lot of things.  I have come to search inside myself to know what is wrong with me.  I have come to realize what I need to do for myself and make steps towards that.  I have come to terms with my weaknesses and was able to plan towards improvement.

I have come to the core of my jealousy, my insecurity and now I am building my confidence again.  I have been able to detach myself from the smaller picture to be able to see the bigger picture.  Now, I see clearly.  I am no longer looking through murky waters.  Now, I will no longer force things to happen.  I will just go with the flow and let things naturally fall into place.  There are things I can control and there are things that I have no control of.  I have no control over your emotions nor your reactions, but I have control over mine.  I cannot influence your perception but I can do that with mine.  God has always been there for me, making things right, putting things into perspective.  Most of the time, He gives me more than what I have expected, things that are far better than the things I asked for.  He brought my ex out of my life and I wanted him bad badly.  I forced things to happen until I realize how much better my life had become without him.  Then, losing him is not what I want but I feel different now.  I have come to realize that what happened is for my own good.   Now, my faith tells me that things will also fall into place and only the things that are good will happen and will remain.  I already know that He brought you into my life for a purpose - some had already been served.  The only question is, will there be more and how long it will last.  No matter what, you will always have a place in my heart.

Hey, my friend, it’s been a while since we have seen each other.  It’s been a while but I just didn’t realize how much I miss you until when I was on my way to meet with you again.  Excitement overwhelms me as I approach our meeting place that I was walking and running at the same time.  I cannot wait to see your face and be held by your arms.  Now, we are here, face to face.  Your presence is enough to make me feel that everything will be fine.  When you put your arms around me, I cannot help but smile.  It is only with you that I feel such peace, such warmth.  I know, you love me and nothing is more comforting for me now than to know that you are still there and that you will always be there.  That whenever I feel that the world is on my shoulders, you come to me and lift metup.

Sorry for neglecting you for so long.  I had been too preoccupied by other things that I failed to come to you as often as I did before.  I guess, my priorities changed but now, I am on track again.  Being with you have always felt great but I guess I was thinking that you will never leave anyway.  So, I put you at the bottom of my list. Yet, from this day, I promise to be with you as often as I can.  To be there, wrapped in your arms, surrounded by your love until the end.

Was there ever a time when you are waiting for your phone to ring and hope that it was me who’s calling you or sending you a text message?  Today, I feel that way for you.  I keep on checking my phone and everytime it rings, my heart skips.  It stops from beating until I see who’s actually calling me and finding out it’s not you.  I know I said goodbye.  Do you know what that means?  It means I am passing the ball to you.  It’s now you’re turn.  I will stop making any effort to make you fall for me.  I will not take any step closer to you.  It’s now your turn to do that.  It is now my turn to learn to appreciate and love myself more.  Finding out who I am and what I really want.

I will just stay this way.  Keep my phone on so that I won’t miss your call.  I am not sure if that will ever happen but my heart is very hopeful.  While I do that, please take care my love, and whenever you feel down, remember that I love you and I hope that makes you feel a bit better.  I have always find it comforting to realize that there are people who loves me.  When I am at my lowest, it feels great to know that there are people I can call and who will listen to my rantings no matter how trivial it may sound.  Whether it is just to tell them that my computer broke down or my internet connection is not working when I have some work to do.  Or just when I had a bad day and needed someone to talk to, someone who will tell me that things will be fine even if they don’t believe it will be.  Someone who will hug me when I am at my worst or just laugh at me when I am being childish.  Someone who will slap me when I am being stubborn or when I am too much to handle, or when I am not being realistic.  Someone who will tell me a joke when I feel sad or try to be funny just to make me smile.  You use to be that person and I want to be that person for you.  God, how I miss hearing your voice.  I can’t wait for my phone to ring.

Now you’re gone, I am all alone again.  Before, though you’re not there, it’s easy for me to dream that someday you will be by my side.  That someday, you will love me.  Someday, you will hold me in your arms.  But now, that dream must be forgotten.  I must learn to forget you but I know, just a smile from you will completely take me back again.  Just one smile, just one look will make my heart beat faster again.  That is the power you have over me.  You already have my heart and now it seams that no one else can take it from you.  I am no longer in my youth, next month, I will be 29.  Just one year more and I will be 30.  It scares me.  It scares me that I have nothing more to give you.  It scares me that you can be my last love and that I will end up alone all my life.  It scares me that I might have passed on a lot of opportunities coz I was so busy waiting for you and when I decided that I want to stop, it is already too late.  It scares me but I still cannot let go.  It scares me that my time is almost over and still, you have not given me that opportunity to love you the way I should.  It scares me, but I still cannot make myself turn away completely.  I may be walking away but I am looking back.  I walk slowly so that when you decide to pull me back, you will not have a hard time catching up with me.  If you do, I will come running back to you.  When he left, I prayed that the next one would be the last one.  You are that one, and my heart is telling me you are the last.  I pray that you also feel the same.

I know I may be a bit of a burden sometimes.  At times, I am so emotional that it’s hard to be with me.  I can also have my tantrums.  As you already know, I am also quite jealous.  But I assure you, I am trying to make myself better for you.  I am a work in progress but I love you, and for me that’s enough motivation to become better.

Who said this is going to be easy?  Right now, tears still fall from my eyes realizing that I might have completely lost you after last night.  I love you too much to really want to drive you away.  But what can I do?  I am hurting myself as much as I hurt you.  I am hoping that by doing this, I will find myself again.  Maybe when I do, it will be easier for both of us.  Who wants to be insecure?  Who wants to be jealous?  When I am with you, all I want to do is give you a hug and make you smile but it’s not what is happening right now.  Guilt is getting the best of me, insecurity overwhelms me.  Yet, I am afraid it has already met an end even when we have not even started.  I am afraid that I have lost you forever and it is during those moments that I begin to regret what I did last night.  But when I realize what I have done and why I did it, I know that I did the right thing somehow.

I don’t ever want to lose you but the more I hold on, the more I drive you away.  So perhaps, when I keep my distance, you will pull me near again.  I also want to resolve this issues I have.  When you came, I have not fully recovered my confidence.  After being dumped by someone you love for the longest time, it is just so hard to believe in your own worth again.   It is not true that I am still in love with my ex.  Since I started falling for you, his memories had been burried deeper than you can imagine.  I cannot even imagine how he looks like anymore.  Yes, he had played a rather big part of my life and I still remember things about him but you are the ones occupying my thoughts from day in to day out.

I will never say sorry for the things I said.  I say those from the heart.  I will try my best to let the wounds heal as fast as possible.  Perhaps, when I feel better about myself you will come back to me again.  I felt that you love me somehow.  I am not dense.  But I guess after the pains that I had been through, I just find it so hard to believe that I had to hear you say it.  Perhaps, I wanted more than what you give that in the end, I lost everything.  I love you, I love you and I never want to lose you but first, I need to learn to love myself again.  You said that I am selfish. I never thought I am.  Perhaps, you mistook my insecurity as selfishness.  That I cannot fully understand.  I hope someday we can be together again.  If not, that only means that we are not meant for each other…. but God knows how I badly I want us to be together for the rest of our lives.

I knew you will expect me to write on this blog and you are right.  Yet, I don’t know where to start.  My mind is a bit numb right now as if it does not want to think.  Perhaps, this had been one of the toughest decisions I had to make so far… to let go.  To set myself free from this bondage.  My heart is asking me to give you more time to think about it, not to lose hope on us but I just can’t do that anymore.  I can’t live my life waiting for you.  I know you never asked me to wait but you knew that I was waiting and you did nothing. How many times have I begged you to tell me regardless but you never did.  How many months have I waited for that letter that you deliberately did not give me?  I never asked you to love me.  All I asked for you to tell me how you feel.  If you don’t care about me, then fine.  I will just move on.  But if you do, why did you let me feel this way?  What are you afraid of?  Weren’t you the one who said I should not be afraid to take the risk?  I took the risk, why can’t you?  Am I not good enough?  Is my love not enough?  The more I wait for you, the more I feel less of myself.  The more I feel insecure that I tend to compare myself with every girl who comes close to you and the more I do that, the more I hated myself for the things I did in the past.  The more I feel inadequate.  The more it hurts.

When we met, everything seem to fall into place.  But it seems that when you have come close enough to see my flaws, you turned away.  I never meant to be jealous.  I hate that kind of feeling.  I hate being tormented by those thoughts.  Yet, when I met you I was also in the process of redeeming myself, of starting to believe in myself again.  When he left, I felt so low, so inadequate, so unworthy of anyone.  I blamed myself, I felt that I am not good enough.  When you came, I began to believe in myself again but when you began to turn away, I lose that confidence again.  Each day, I try harder and harder to be better for you.  To be worthy of your love.  Maybe, if I look like the girls you have in friendster, maybe you will also give me some attention.  Maybe if I dress up like them, you will also look at me.  Maybe when I do my job well, you will be proud of me.  Maybe when I do this you will like me. But I never see that in you, you never did.

When I said, I am doing this for you, it is true.  Yet, I now know that I am doing this more for myself.  I love you and there’s no doubt about that.  Although, I had been praying for this love to go away… just like the way I asked you to get away from me in the beginning coz I am afraid I might fall in love with you.  But this had to end somewhere.  I know I have made my mistakes but you have to admit that you also have a fair share on this.   I don’t know if you can ever love me or if anyone else can love me.  I guess I just have to live with that.  Just like what you said, accept whatever happens.  I guess this is it.  You can never love me and I just have to accept that.  My heart is crying again, saying there is hope…. I have hoped for this love for so long and it is surprising that there is still some hope left after all.  Let me just say goodbye now… who knows, it may become see you later or welcome back?  I can never tell but now, all I can say is goodbye and take care.

I never asked you to love me but it i human to hope that you will love me back.  I know it is not your intention to hurt me nor do this things to me.  I also hope that you realize that it was never my intention to hurt you or anyone else.  This is just between you and me, some know about this and that but still, this is between you and me.  Whoever is hurt, whoever it is that got hurt in the process it was not my intention to hurt them nor have them involved.  Sharing is different from involving.  Seeking for advice is different from having a person get involved.  All these things, all is just between you and me.  So if this should end, this is my pain and this is my heart and no one else’s.  It is my heart that will break.  It is my heart that will feel the pain.

Lately, for some reason, the line “Teach us to number our days” had been constantly on my mind.  Some rather morbid thoughts cross my mind.  Yet, I know I have to face reality.  To number our days is something we should all do.  Living each day as if it’s the last. Not wasting time on things that are fleeting.  Everything here are but temporary except for the things we do for others, we do with others.  Except things we say to others, we give others and we think about others.  I wonder what kind of thoughts and emotions I will leave behind if today is my last day on earth.  I wonder how it will affect the lives of the people I will leave behind.  I hope they are dependent enough to feel that I am gone and independent enough to stand on their own.  I hope I loved them enough to remember me but strong enough to move on.  I hope that I have shared enough of myself to keep me alive.  I hope to be remembered.  I hope that I lived my life making them smile so that when I leave, I will take with me some tears.  Tears of joy for having met me. Tears of sorrow for losing me.  I know, I still have a lot to do, to accomplish but when I die tonight I will leave my heart to those I love and that will keep me alive.

Yesterday, a new guy was hired in the office.  About the same age as I am.  My officemates were all teasing me, telling me that he seem to be a good man, someone who’s husband material.  Our HR Manager even introduced me to him,  but before she did she asked him if he is single.  Yes, he is single - no girlfriend, no wife. A potential boyfriend.  Sigh…. He seem to be a nice guy, I will not object.  But what is the guarantee that he will also like me?  I mean, in our position, the possibilities are endless.  We can definitely find ways to bring us together but it only guarantees that we will get to know each other better but it does not guarantee where it will lead us.  Well, who knows where it will end?  Let’s just wait and see.

During my college years, I often go to the Pink Sisters convent in Baguio City.  I also love spending time in the school chapel.  Going to those places gives me a certain serene feeling that I cannot find anywhere else.  It feels like nothing else matters for I am in the presence of my Saviour.  Then, when we had our recollection when I was on my second year, I thought of becoming a nun.  Not just a nun but a contemplative. Yet, my family experienced a big financial blow that made me reconsider.

My brother entered the seminary in 2005.  I remembered that day when I first thought of entering the convent but I know I am no longer worthy.  When my boyfriend left me, I was lost and devastated.  I have been so broken that I know only Jesus can heal me.  I went to stay in a convent for a couple of days.  Experiencing the life that I use to dream of.  A life of prayer, a life devoted to God.

Now, I am reading the life of St. Veronica Guiliani and it stirred a lot of emotions in my heart.  Her life struck me in such a way that I wanted the same kind of life for myself - a life of suffering consecrated with the suffering of our Lord.  A life dedicated to console our God for all the outrages and indifferences that He experienced.  The call to this kind of life is becoming so strong that it confuses me for there was a point in my life when I already decided that I want to have my own family.  But this kind of life is so enticing, so inviting but I know it is only possible if I will enter the convent.

My God has been greatly offended.  I, myself, have caused Him so much pain.  I created this blog to serve a spiritual purpose which I know I did not meet.  Now, in the beginning of this new year, I hope to achieve that.  To take each one of you in this spiritual journey… my journey home and I hope to take all of you who will read this blog with me.