I just read an article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about being blessed and making our dreams come true.  I realized the mistakes I have been making.  I have always believed in self-fulfilling prophecies and he actually confirmed it.  You become what you believe.  So now, I am going to start dreaming again and I hope everyone who reads my blog will do the same.

First step, according to Bo, is to visualize your dream.  Know what your dreams are and start visualizing it, feeling it, and really seeing it.  Well, let me start with my own dreams, from the short term to the long term.

1. Learn to play the violin

2. Learn how to dance

3. Learn how to play the drums

4. Learn how to play the piano’

5. Start taking up my MBA

6. Go to a place I have never been- outside the country

7. Pay off my credit card debts

8. Save at least 100k until my next birthday

Those are the dreams I have that I want to happen in the next 12 months.  I have already made my plans. Of course, what stopped me before is that my finances is not in a very good shape but with the increase I am going to receive this month and the expenses plan I have in mind, I will be able to save at least half of my salary starting July of this year.  This will give me enough finances to finance the activities I have in mind and still save some money.

1. Have a car - a second hand Honda Civic will be fine.

2. Have a house and lot - I plan to start with the lot by next year, probably somewhere in Laguna like what my boss keeps saying

3. Invest in the rice business of my cousin and re-start the duck farm -I want to start with this early next year.

4. My longer term plan is to have a farm in the province where I have a house, a fish pond, lots of trees, cows and pigs.

Number 4 can happen in the next 5 years.  I want to retire from regular work at the age of 40 and just work from home and spend time with my family - kids and husband (another short term dream =)

Once you already visualize your dream, you start working on those.  And last will be to Surrender your dreams to God.  Of course, there are dreams that will come true and there are dreams that won’t.  Yet, it does not really matter for things happen and don’t happen for our own good.  I believe that good things will come my way.  The best things I can imagine for I believe in God’s goodness.  His infinite goodness.  Problems will come, but cliche as you may say, there’s a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.  I believe and I know that my dreams, the dreams that I have listed here will come true.  I will keep you posted.

I had a dark week a couple of weeks ago.   A couple of days when I lost confidence in myself, my boss and perhaps, even in my God.  I am better now.  Thanks to my friends who never let me down.  I now have a different perspective. I guess I never realize my worth, recognize my accomplishments or see how hard I am working.  For me, everything is called for.  I am only doing my job.  Everything is not enough.  I still have a lot of things to do, to learn, to accomplish.  That God is just the one making things happen and if He will ever leave me, I am bound to fail.  Which is true in some ways but then I fail to see certain things.  Doing my job well is already an accomplishment.  That the fact the God never lets me down means He wants me here and not anywhere else.  And that everything I do without God will always be bound to fail.

This time, I am more ready to take on the challenges.  I will never let anything threaten or pull me down.  I will continue living my life the way I want to.  I will continue doing my job the best way I can.  I believe God will always be there.  Though I know failures will be inevitable, it is not the end of everything.  Failures are there to teach us what we did wrong so we can make things right.  No one is perfect but as long as I believe in God and myself, things will only get better.

I guess, I just have to learn from my past lessons.  Here I am again.  I already know that there’s a lot of risk when I continue so I just have to stop myself from getting close to you.  You never gave me any puzzle to solve.  You never told me anything that can be misconstrued as something else.  You are just being yourself and I cannot help but be drawn to that.  You are such a nice person and the more I get to know you, the more I like you.  There seem to be a magnet that draws me to you from the day we met and you salute at me like I am your comrade.  I feel so light when I talk to you.  No pressure on being someone else because I know that you are also being yourself.  What I see is what I get.  You are weird in a nice and cute way. I just wish I can get hold of my heart this time.  I don’t want to fall for you.  I just want to stay this way.  I just want to enjoy your company because I know, I cannot really be the one you will fall in love with.

I hope I can keep the distance.  Refrain from falling in love so I can enjoy your company without the complications of falling in love.  Just that, I was already attracted to you from the very first time I saw you and that attraction just grows deeper each day as I get to know you more.  Who will not be attracted to your looks and gentle ways.  Your smile is like sunshine -I know that’s cliche but it really feels like a bright summer day when you smile.  I feel your presence when you pass by. I guess, I will just refrain from seeing you again, from talking to you again.  Put the wall around me just like what I use to do.  All defenses up that it’s starting to give me anxiety.  Anxiety for restraining myself, stopping myself from feeling that light and warm feeling I feel when I am with you, when I am talking to you or just seeing you pass by.

I use to feel secure about my job, my career.  In fact, you may say I thought this is my life.  I use to spend at least 12 hours in the office, work on weekends even when I am at home, think about work even when I am on vacation.  I would forgo of my break hours just to finish something.  I cancel meetings with my friends because something came up with work and I need to be there.  In short, my work is my life.

It was like that even in my previous company.  I make sacrifices so I can finish my work early, meet deadlines, etc, only to get burned out and demoralized later when I felt that my efforts were not being recognized.

I use to feel important at work.  My boss even tells me that I will inherit his position should he decide to retire already which is supposed to happen in about a year from now.  I have grown with the company.  I needed to catch up and I was able to deliver without any training.  My boss use to see that.  He use to tell me that I am good at what I do.  Now, he is telling me I am too young.  He seem to overlook the things I have accomplished.  He does not seem to realize how I have grown.

I use to feel that I can tell him anything but now I feel that those days are over.  He teases me whenever he sees any manifestation of my authority, the authority he gave me.  He does not seem to remember that he was the one who told me what I can do and cannot do, what I can say and cannot say and what I can decide on.  I am beginning to question my own worth.  I am beginning to feel unimportant.  Makes me ask myself if I have become too proud.  It was so easy for others to negotiate about their salary but it feels so difficult for me.  He makes me feel that I am asking too much though I know that I deserve that.  I know what I have accomplished, I know the weight of my responsibilities and it is as heavy as those whose salary is much higher than mine.  I hate to compare and I hate asking for something.  I have always believed that if I deserve it, it will be voluntarily given to me.  Honestly, I feel scared.  I feel so uncertain coz he might have said something now then change it tomorrow.

I don’t know if I am still supposed to be here.  Perhaps, I am not.  I hate working just for the sake of money.  I don’t work for money.  I don’t work for the sake of working.  Yet, with all these things I am feeling I feel like I don’t belong here anymore but I cannot leave because I am not financially ready and I hate the feeling that this seem to be the only thing that stops me from leaving.

I have had a lot of time to think during the long weekend.  It was a rather enlightening, depressing, and joyful time.  One thing I have realized is that only when I stop believing in something, that’s the only time it will stop existing.

We had our childhood dreams and somewhere along the way, we stopped believing those dreams will come true.  We had our previous relationships and until such time when we stop believing that the other person will come to us, on bended knees and asked us to come back in his arms we are not free.  As long as we believe that he still loves you, as long as you believe that the past will continue itself, you are still tied to that invisible rope connecting your past to your future.  You are not free.

Anyway, I let’s look at the brighter side of this. Don’t you think that when you continue believing in something, it will somehow come true?  That if we continue believing in the good in everyone, we will wake up one day to a different world where everyone is good?  That if we believe that our dreams will come true, they eventually will?  That if we keep on believing in true love, someday it will find us and stay?

I know there are things that we have to let go.  Things that we have to stop believing so we can move forward and step up to the next level, just like what I have said about the relationships we had.  Yet, I don’t thing there will be any harm believing in good things, in believing in our dreams and believing that someday we will be able to realize those dreams.

I met someone recently and I cannot help getting close to him.  His presence gives you a certain feeling of freedom.  It really feels so great to be with him.  Not in a romantic way yet, but you just cannot help wanting to be with him.  He has a very light aura, aside from the fact that he is also so damn cute.  Perfect height, perfect complexion, nice eyes, funny and cool.  He said he is just living his life the way he wants to live it.   Having fun.  Enjoying his life. Fulfilling his passions.  He is a very passionate dancer and a very independent guy.  He seem to have a lot of things going on in his life.  A person living life to the fullest which I cannot help but envy or should I say, admire.

Being acquainted with him, I began asking myself about my own passion.  Well, I have always loved dancing but I stopped when I was in college, except for my PE 2 class which is about ballroom and folk dancing.  I enjoyed the boogie, considering that it’s more fun than doing the waltz or cha-cha.  With all the videos in youtube now about hiphop dancing, I would have been dancing right now if only I have more space at home where I can do the tricks.  Yet, I don’t have that luxury.  I even bought a cd a couple of months ago which is more of a dance aerobics routine but I was only able to finish a part of it due to the lack of space.

As I write this, I am actually asking myself what am I passionate about.  I know that I fell in love with Capoeira after watching a demo on television but I never really got that serious about pursuing that.  I guess, I really love dancing coz it gives you that adrenaline rush and it’s also fun.  Capoeira is a combination of dance and martial arts and music.  I heard that they have one in the Manila Polo Club and in Ateneo.  Places that actually intimidates me so I hope they offer it somewhere near my place.  I also heard that the Capoeira group is a bit tight so it might be a bit hard to blend in when you join alone.

Another passion can be music.  I have always wanted to really play the piano, the violin and the drums.  Drums is my favorite of course, since again, it gives me an adrenaline rush.  So now, I need to buy a keyboard, a violin and a drum set… quite expensive huh…

Learning French is another thing I have always wanted but never pursued.  I also use to be passionate about writing which is, I guess, the only passion that I am pursuing.  I wanted to write a novel someday and have it published.   Hmmm…. what about an autobiography? lol

I also want to travel around.  Go to places I have never been and do things I have never done.  I have always been a risk taker… well, in most things I must say.  Yet, when I get hurt trying on something, I backed out.  Like when I tried swimming and hurt myself a couple of times I stopped.

Having written all these and realizing all these, I guess I can say that I am not living the life that I want in the past few years.  Perhaps, I had been too focus on certain things and now I have a lot of catching up to do.  I want to reach the age of 30 saying that I have my life, I have fulfilled my dreams and my passions.  I better get started… actually I have already started.  Subic and Bohol are my first steps, next will be Boracay and my masters degree.  Next will be buying my violin and taking violin lessons while learning to dance again.  I have a handsfull but I know that I can do this if I put my heart into it.

So, what’s your passion?

My friend invited me to attend the introduction to the Landmark Forum.  I have not seen her in a while so I decided to go.  I don’t really know what the landmark forum is but then, what do I have to lose?  So, I went and there I found out what it is - self-improvement seminar unlike the others we already know.  It does not add anything to our knowledge, instead it helps us realize what stops us from going after our dreams.  There, I was confronted with the question: What matters to you?  I guess, that goes with a follow up question - What are you doing to achieve it?

It helped me analyze the way I live my life.  What are the things that I want and why am I not getting those?  I know what I must achieve, what I must do but what stops me from doing it?  For instance, my ultimate goal is to achieve a more intimate relationship with God. I know I have to pray more.  I know that I have to put God first. But why am I not praying more?  Why do It put myself first?  Why don’t I wake up earlier so I can recite my morning prayer?  What stops me from going to confession?  I can say that I am busy but if I am really committed to that, what is 30 minutes?  What is an hour when I can spend more than 12 hours a day in the office?  Why do I stay in the office longer than I have to sometimes?

I have come to some realizations after that introduction session.  I have realized that somehow staying in the office is my security blanket.  I have realized how my childhood affected my perception.  I use to feel that my parents prefer to have my sister over me when I was a kid.  My sister and I live with our great aunts and whenever my parents bring my sister with them to our house, I feel that they love her more.  It somehow affected my perception.  In my relationships, I stive really hard so my partner will not leave me.  I strive hard to be everything for them because of my fear that they will always find someone better and leave me for her.  I talked to my parents about it and they explained to me that I am my lola’s favorite so if they take me, my lola will definitely be mad at them.  So, there goes my unfounded fear.

I also tend to procastinate a lot.  I know that procastination is a sin, it falls under sloth.  Yet, why do I procastinate?  What stops me?  Is it really just that or is there an underlying reason?

I am not yet convinced that I have to attend the landmark forum, thinking that I can “heal” on my own.  I am not sure if I am willing to spend Php25,000 for that.  But it did make a difference in the lives of those I met.  It also opened my eyes on certain things.  I will try to work on improving myself, with the things I have right now.  I can start by knowing what I want and working my way to get there.

I am turning 29 soon.  A part of me tells me, I should worry about my biological clock, be afraid of menopause without having experienced how it is to give birth, to become a mom.  At this age, I do not have boyfriend, but who cares.  I never really cared, who needs a man anyway?  It is actually hard to find real men nowadays.  Men are only men when you fall in love with them, but other than that, who needs to have a man in her life?  Need only follows after love.  You need someone because you love them and not the other way around.  Honestly, a part of me is actually scared.  Don’t get me wrong though, I am not scared of being alone for the rest of my life - that is something that I can always find a remedy for.  I am afraid of not being able to experience something that I think is wonderful, not being able to experience having my own family.  It would definitely make me sad somehow.  Though I know that I can establish a family without having to get married but it is a different kind of family.

I am not sure if I am making sense here but I am just saying whatever comes to mind.  I am just saying my thoughts, letting my thoughts guide my hand with no particular direction.  All I know is that I am thinking about the years to come, my upcoming birthday.

What happened in the past 29 years?  A lot of great things.  I know I have a lot of things to be thankful for.  I have a good job.  God has given me so much blessings that I know I do not deserve somehow.  I have a very supportive family: a father who adores me, a mother who has always been there for me, a sister who is also my bestfriend, and my brother who is my angel.  What more can I ask for?  I am now fixing my finances - I made some mess on this aspect of my life.  Having lived without learning how to budget or tracking my expenses, I ended up with some debts.  It’s not that substantial but it is something I want to get rid of so I can build my retirement fund.  I already have my insurance but I know it is not enough.  I also want to build up a fund for my own car and house.  I am going to get there.  This year will be the beginning of a lot of great things.  Things greater than before.  I already know what to do, all I need is some time to have everything in place and of course, I will need God’s blessing to have it fulfilled.

My lovelife?  That is also a bit of a mess.  Being a control freak, there are lots of things I do prematurely.  I cannot wait for God’s will to unfold, thus, messing things up a bit.  But in the last relationship that I had (if you will consider that a relationship, I love on guy who doesn’t love me), I have learned the value of patience.  The value of letting God take things in His own pace.  From now on, it will be His time, His way, His plan and no longer my time, my way and my plan.  I am giving God the key, I won’t even help him start the engine nor give Him directions.  I am actually asking Him not to let me meddle.  I know, He can do it without my help.  Helping Him might just make things a bit murky or messy.  I will just let Him do His thing, and let Him guide my course.  I have given Him back the freedom He gave me.  I will just sit back, relax and let Him drive.  Before I know it, I could have reached my destination already.  It will not be an easy ride, I know.  But I will buckle up.  His loving arms will be my protection. His faithfulness, my consolation.  His love, my joy.  His promises, my security.  I believe that things will be better, far better than I can imagine, far better than what I can do myself. This is why I look forward to tomorrow for I know He will make it better than today.  I look forward to the coming years, for I know His plans will be fulfilled and His plans are always great.

I may be single now or for the rest of my life, it does not matter.  Single or married, whatever happens, it is for the best.  If it is where God wants me to be, then there I will be for only there can I find true happiness and true meaning.

Today, I have made a decision to move forward.  I will just live my life the way I want to and stop thinking of you.  I have a lot on my plate right now.  New things, new experiences, new tasks.  I don’t know what life will bring but I sure am going to live my life to the fullest.  Who knows, maybe love will come my way someday soon.  God knows when that will be.  I am giving Him the pen now, letting Him write my life story.  For now, I will just live.  I will be happy, I know.  You may have hurt me and there are a lot of questions that still needs to be answered.  I know that I cannot find the answers now, perhaps in time, those will be revealed to me.  Or maybe, I won’t need to know the answers anyway.  There was a point when I wanted to hurt you as much as you hurt me, but what good will that do to me?  Now, you did me wrong and I know that there will be justice.  However, if I take justice in my own hands, I will then become the culprit.  So, I am leaving it that way.  You hurt me and God will take care of what you have done.  Perhaps, it already is taking it’s toll on you.  I have always believed that when things are going the right direction, then it means that I am where God wants me to be and I am doing His will.  But when things go wrong, it can mean two things: that I need to be reminded of His presence and that I need Him in my life; second will be that things are just not right for me or I might have done something wrong.  I remembered you saying that things are not working the way you wanted them to, perhaps, it is time to look at yourself and see if you are doing something wrong.

I do not want to hold any grudge on you, but I hope you realize what you did and never do it again to anyone else.  People have feelings and they do not deserve to be hurt or betrayed.   I have always believed in the goodness of people, that everyone does not have any hidden motives or bad intentions.  I think this is why I end up getting hurt, because I trust too much too soon.  What can I do?  I have no ill intentions nor do I capitalize on others weaknesses for my own gain.  I am like that so I think others are like that as well.  I asked you to explain but I guess you are not willing to do so, that is why I am now struggling against these negative thoughts.  I am lifting it all up to God now.  All the pains you have caused me, same with the happiness.  I will not hold on to them any longer.  I am letting God take care of everything, He knows better anyway.

i love you still… i dont know if i can ever fall out of love.  sana lang wag ka masyadong yumabang.  nothing really stays forever you know?  and i hope you realize that what really matters in life is not your job nor the money you get from it.  it is the people who love you.  you can always find another job but if the person you love is gone, she may be gone forever.