Lately, I have been so happy and feel so blessed.  I feel that somehow, I am close to living the life I wanted.  No hang ups, no longer living in the past and just moving forward.  I am beginning to explore more than I use to.  Setting no limits to what I can do and what I can achieve.  I feel more free.  I feel that God has led me to the path that I am supposed to take.  I just pray that this will continue.  I have been so blessed.

I think I should thank a friend for this.  Thank you for teaching me how life is supposed to be.  Thank you for making me realize my passions and inspiring me to reach for my dreams instead of just dreaming about it.  People enter our lives for a reason and they definitely have a purpose.  Since last year, there seem to be an invisible roadmap that I am made to follow.  Now, I feel that I am getting closer to my destination.  This year will be a great year… this is the year that I really start living.

I think I have come to the point of  understanding certain things, certain mistakes I made in the past.  Well, I know I have said this a lot of times but I will say it again, I rushed.  By expressing my own feelings, I have put the pressure on you and set my expectations too high.  Then, from there things started to get more and more complicated.

I have set my priorities too high.  When I said I care about you, I expected you to say the same.  I expected you to express your feelings.  When you did not, I started to ask myself and question your motives.  I began to feel insecure and ask why you cannot tell me.  I began to look at my own flaws and magnify yours.  I began to ask why you and I became friends.  I began to question your actions.  I began to think that maybe, you think I am not good enough for you and strive harder and harder to prove that I am even if I myself am not sure about my own feelings and motives.  I was not sure if I really love you.  I was not sure if I really want to be with you.  What drove me was the need to know the answer.  The need to receive feedback for something I uttered.  It took me a lot of courage to say that I care yet, you never put any importance on that.  All these circumstances caused more pressure on you and drove you away, hurting both of us in the process.

Well, this does not mean I take all the blame.  I only meant that I understand things now that I see things in a different perspective.  It only meant that I realized that to be with you is not really what I want and I may have cared for you, but it wasn’t enough to be called love.  Thanks for everything though.  With all the pressure of proving that I deserve you, I have become a better person.  The experience may not have been something ideal but I guess, it was worth it somehow.  From it, I have attained a certain level of maturity.  No more fears.  No more hang ups.  I am now free from the past.  Happy. Living the life I want.   Loving myself and ready to love again.

With our busy lives, it is so easy to neglect certain things, events and even people.  Like what most people say, we forget to stop and smell the flowers.  I guess I had my respite a couple of days ago.  First is when I went to Baguio then when I got sick.  Let’s set aside the Baguio story for now what I really want to focus on are the simple things in life that we tend to overlook.  It had been raining everyday non stop and I just broke my umbrella on my trip to Baguio.  Well, so much for a Php60 umbrella I bought knowing how clumsy I am in using that thing - never really want to use it anyway.  So, without an umbrella, running nose, heavy rain, fever the other day, getting drenched will be the worst thing that can happen to me but somehow with the present condition, it is almost unavoidable.   But on my way to work, the rain just stopped and I was able to get a cab soon.  That is already a miracle.  A window opened for me so I won’t get wet with the rain and get even sicker.  Then, that evening, still without an umbrella and with heavy rain all day, seems that God opened a window again so I can get home dry.  Rain stopped and getting a cab was quite easy.

There are more little blessings that come my way.  If I will write it down, I must say this page will be so full I might have to start another blog and get another server.  There are so many things that God has given me, even when I don’t ask Him because He knows it will be good for me.  From the simplest thing as making me wake up every morning with all my organs working well or by sending a cab my way so I won’t get late.  I guess, this is more than just stopping to smell the flowers.  It is also marvelling at its beauty and thinking about the One who created it.   Or hearing the birds sing and thinking who created those calming melodies?  Or looking at the sky and seeing the artwork painted by God.  Hmmm…. what a great life and what a great God we have.

I had been writing then deleting then deleting again for the past few minutes.  I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t know how I can put into words the way I feel right now.  Isn’t the rather difficult?  I mean, this is my outlet.  This is where I rant and rave but now, this is becoming a bit impossible.   Could it be that I am seeing red lights again and anxiety is starting to take over?  Anxiety from restraining myself from doing what I want to do?  Or is it anxiety from stopping myself from being with someone whom I love to be with?  Perhaps both?  I have to find another outlet to release this feeling that is starting to get hold of me.  There are times when I get hold of it but there are times when I lose my grip.

I need to start with my masters already or start with myoviolin lessons.  I need to have a life.  I need to live a life so I can forget.  To stop this seed from growing by burrying it deeper and deeper until it is completely forgotten.  Or perhaps, let the wind blow so profusely so it gets blown away?  Maybe I am just feeling lonely or maybe I am already falling?  Naaahhhh…. I think, I am just bored.  You don’t fall for someone you can’t be with.

I could never understand why this site had been blocked by Google and why it was hacked.  This is just a personal blog where I just rant and say whatever I want.  Who would care about this?

I have never really thought of or pondered about certain things in my life.  Sometimes, reality just strikes and made me think about how I am living.  Sometimes, people come to our lives to show us things and make us realize things we have never paid attention to or we thought we are already doing but in reality, we are not.  I know this may sound silly or very jologs.  Yesterday, I watched Eat Bulaga.  Well, not lwatched as in watched.  I was doing some other things while the television is on… now you will say, what a waste.  Yeah.  I guess.  But since childhood, I think the television has been like a companion to me.  That as long as it is on, I don’t feel alone.  So, there goes the long introduction.  Yesterday, they featured 30 students, all from poor families but achievers.  Children who went out of their way just to be educated.   Children who cannot even afford to buy a pair of shoes, school supplies, snacks or walk miles just to get to school.  Children who will be extremely extatic if you will give them a pair of shoes, food to eat and a complete set of school supplies.

Then it struck me.  How my mind worked in my younger years and perhaps,  until now. When I was in grade school, all that mattered is that I win.  I never really valued my education.  I never thought of it as the way to help my family have a better life. I never worked hard.  Never really studied hard even in my college years.  For me, as long as I meet people’s expectations, my family’s expectations, I am fine.  So I ended up, being half educated.  I am not sure if you will understand it though.  My true education only came when my family faced certain trials that I had to change my own lifestyle.

I realized how blessed I am and how much time I have wasted.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to have a purpose.  We surely have more than 30 students who are like that in our country, more so the world.  Honestly, I don’t know what to do yet but I know I can do something.  No matter how small, no matter how irrelevant it may seem or ridiculous it may be.

I just read an article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about being blessed and making our dreams come true.  I realized the mistakes I have been making.  I have always believed in self-fulfilling prophecies and he actually confirmed it.  You become what you believe.  So now, I am going to start dreaming again and I hope everyone who reads my blog will do the same.

First step, according to Bo, is to visualize your dream.  Know what your dreams are and start visualizing it, feeling it, and really seeing it.  Well, let me start with my own dreams, from the short term to the long term.

1. Learn to play the violin

2. Learn how to dance

3. Learn how to play the drums

4. Learn how to play the piano’

5. Start taking up my MBA

6. Go to a place I have never been- outside the country

7. Pay off my credit card debts

8. Save at least 100k until my next birthday

Those are the dreams I have that I want to happen in the next 12 months.  I have already made my plans. Of course, what stopped me before is that my finances is not in a very good shape but with the increase I am going to receive this month and the expenses plan I have in mind, I will be able to save at least half of my salary starting July of this year.  This will give me enough finances to finance the activities I have in mind and still save some money.

1. Have a car - a second hand Honda Civic will be fine.

2. Have a house and lot - I plan to start with the lot by next year, probably somewhere in Laguna like what my boss keeps saying

3. Invest in the rice business of my cousin and re-start the duck farm -I want to start with this early next year.

4. My longer term plan is to have a farm in the province where I have a house, a fish pond, lots of trees, cows and pigs.

Number 4 can happen in the next 5 years.  I want to retire from regular work at the age of 40 and just work from home and spend time with my family - kids and husband (another short term dream =)

Once you already visualize your dream, you start working on those.  And last will be to Surrender your dreams to God.  Of course, there are dreams that will come true and there are dreams that won’t.  Yet, it does not really matter for things happen and don’t happen for our own good.  I believe that good things will come my way.  The best things I can imagine for I believe in God’s goodness.  His infinite goodness.  Problems will come, but cliche as you may say, there’s a pot of gold at the end of each rainbow.  I believe and I know that my dreams, the dreams that I have listed here will come true.  I will keep you posted.

I had a dark week a couple of weeks ago.   A couple of days when I lost confidence in myself, my boss and perhaps, even in my God.  I am better now.  Thanks to my friends who never let me down.  I now have a different perspective. I guess I never realize my worth, recognize my accomplishments or see how hard I am working.  For me, everything is called for.  I am only doing my job.  Everything is not enough.  I still have a lot of things to do, to learn, to accomplish.  That God is just the one making things happen and if He will ever leave me, I am bound to fail.  Which is true in some ways but then I fail to see certain things.  Doing my job well is already an accomplishment.  That the fact the God never lets me down means He wants me here and not anywhere else.  And that everything I do without God will always be bound to fail.

This time, I am more ready to take on the challenges.  I will never let anything threaten or pull me down.  I will continue living my life the way I want to.  I will continue doing my job the best way I can.  I believe God will always be there.  Though I know failures will be inevitable, it is not the end of everything.  Failures are there to teach us what we did wrong so we can make things right.  No one is perfect but as long as I believe in God and myself, things will only get better.

I guess, I just have to learn from my past lessons.  Here I am again.  I already know that there’s a lot of risk when I continue so I just have to stop myself from getting close to you.  You never gave me any puzzle to solve.  You never told me anything that can be misconstrued as something else.  You are just being yourself and I cannot help but be drawn to that.  You are such a nice person and the more I get to know you, the more I like you.  There seem to be a magnet that draws me to you from the day we met and you salute at me like I am your comrade.  I feel so light when I talk to you.  No pressure on being someone else because I know that you are also being yourself.  What I see is what I get.  You are weird in a nice and cute way. I just wish I can get hold of my heart this time.  I don’t want to fall for you.  I just want to stay this way.  I just want to enjoy your company because I know, I cannot really be the one you will fall in love with.

I hope I can keep the distance.  Refrain from falling in love so I can enjoy your company without the complications of falling in love.  Just that, I was already attracted to you from the very first time I saw you and that attraction just grows deeper each day as I get to know you more.  Who will not be attracted to your looks and gentle ways.  Your smile is like sunshine -I know that’s cliche but it really feels like a bright summer day when you smile.  I feel your presence when you pass by. I guess, I will just refrain from seeing you again, from talking to you again.  Put the wall around me just like what I use to do.  All defenses up that it’s starting to give me anxiety.  Anxiety for restraining myself, stopping myself from feeling that light and warm feeling I feel when I am with you, when I am talking to you or just seeing you pass by.

I use to feel secure about my job, my career.  In fact, you may say I thought this is my life.  I use to spend at least 12 hours in the office, work on weekends even when I am at home, think about work even when I am on vacation.  I would forgo of my break hours just to finish something.  I cancel meetings with my friends because something came up with work and I need to be there.  In short, my work is my life.

It was like that even in my previous company.  I make sacrifices so I can finish my work early, meet deadlines, etc, only to get burned out and demoralized later when I felt that my efforts were not being recognized.

I use to feel important at work.  My boss even tells me that I will inherit his position should he decide to retire already which is supposed to happen in about a year from now.  I have grown with the company.  I needed to catch up and I was able to deliver without any training.  My boss use to see that.  He use to tell me that I am good at what I do.  Now, he is telling me I am too young.  He seem to overlook the things I have accomplished.  He does not seem to realize how I have grown.

I use to feel that I can tell him anything but now I feel that those days are over.  He teases me whenever he sees any manifestation of my authority, the authority he gave me.  He does not seem to remember that he was the one who told me what I can do and cannot do, what I can say and cannot say and what I can decide on.  I am beginning to question my own worth.  I am beginning to feel unimportant.  Makes me ask myself if I have become too proud.  It was so easy for others to negotiate about their salary but it feels so difficult for me.  He makes me feel that I am asking too much though I know that I deserve that.  I know what I have accomplished, I know the weight of my responsibilities and it is as heavy as those whose salary is much higher than mine.  I hate to compare and I hate asking for something.  I have always believed that if I deserve it, it will be voluntarily given to me.  Honestly, I feel scared.  I feel so uncertain coz he might have said something now then change it tomorrow.

I don’t know if I am still supposed to be here.  Perhaps, I am not.  I hate working just for the sake of money.  I don’t work for money.  I don’t work for the sake of working.  Yet, with all these things I am feeling I feel like I don’t belong here anymore but I cannot leave because I am not financially ready and I hate the feeling that this seem to be the only thing that stops me from leaving.