It has been a couple of months since I have last written in this blog.  I am now 30 years old.  Still mature and immature.  Still searching for my place on earth.  Still searching for purpose.

I had been working for a company for 6 long years.  I must say it really is a blessing.  From the day I got hired, I know it was the beginning of something great, and it proved to be something like that.  It was 6 years of learning, improving, failure, stress, love, hate, anger, frustrations, triumphs, all the different emotions you can think of.  All different emotions that made me who I am now.  All happenings that changed me either to become a better person or bring out the worse in me.  From broken promises to shattered dreams, from dreams that come true and dreams that fade.  All in all, it had been one great journey.  Yet, all journey’s must end.  All beginnings end.

Now, I face a crossroad.  The need to choose between two paths that leads to an unknown destination.

I have come to the point where I am tired of going to the office, doing what other people ask me to do, fixing problems, fighting my own battles.  I have come to the point when I had to drag my feet to the office that I used to love.  I have come to the point when coming to work does not feel right anymore.   It seem to have lost its meaning.  It is no longer as fulfilling as it used to be.  My voice just became a tiny scream that no one hears. My contributions in the company had been overshadowed by fancy powerpoint presentations and long talks that meant nothing.  My output had been covered by nice looking suits and pretty clothes.  It is no longer the same as before, but I wouldn’t mind the change if we only put importance on what really matters.  My heart breaks to realize that I am being put to the position where I have to prove myself over and over when I have already proven my worth.  My heart breaks my boss tells me that I have not reached a certain level so he cannot give me an increase when those who are receiving the salary I am asking have not even accomplished half of what I have accomplished.  It is said that I have grown bitter and have lost faith in the company that I have helped build because it never took care of me.  Yet, I am certain that as long as I work, I will be receiving a salary.  That in two years, my boss even promised to give all the managers a bonus when the company goes IPO.  Can my heart take another two years?  What opportunities will I miss in two years?

When the other side of me is saying it is time to leave.  That it is now time to explore other options outside the dirty politics of the corporate world.  I know I can do it somehow, if God wills it.  I know that I can succeed and this time, I will work hard and succeed for myself and for those I love.  I will be doing what I love to do and no one will tell me to lie or be political or should I say hypocrite?  I can heal the bitterness that I have come to feel over the last few months.  There is risk I know but it feels like it is worth the risk.

Now, which road should I take?  Should I risk two years of possible opportunities for a certain rate of security? Which will glorify my God?  Is my heart telling me the answer now?  It is not easy to make these choices.  It is so easy to say to myself and say it is best to leave. But is it what God really wants?  I have my fear and pride that is getting in the way.  I also haven’t forgotten the fact that in some ways, my boss treated me well.  It is just probably not in his nature to think about the things I have in mind. I owe him 6 years as he also owes me the 6 years I will never get back.  Will I give him another two years of my life?  Or should I take those two years for myself?

I remember me and my bestfriend talking before saying that the good thing about us is that we try to see the lighter side of things.  It was probably easier to say it then when we were younger.  Yet, it is also not difficult to say it now.  Positive thinking results to a lot of great things, but I think I would rather call it faith.  The faith that God is in control and that everything will be better in His time.  Faith that no matter how difficult your situation is right now, God is there with you and He will never leave you until everything is well again.  I don’t think faith or positive thinking means that we are not allowed to feel feer at all.  I believe it is alright to feel fear at times, after all, we are only human and fear is one of the emotions that we humans feel.  Yet, that fear should bring us to realize our weakness and seek God’s strength.  Our fear should lead us to recognizing that we are not strong enough but God’s strength can overcome anything, and begin to rely on God’s providence than our own.  It is like passing the wheel to him when the ship is faced with a storm and letting Him take you to the shore.

I have felt fear a number of times but after I write it down and began realizing how good my God is, my fear slowly turns to faith.  Faith that brings a lot of miracles in my life, a smile on my face and a glow in my eyes.  I don’t know what the future will bring, nor what will happen tomorrow all I know is that when I wake up tomorrow morning, that means God wants me to stay here on earth and He will also stay with me.

I have not been able to write in this blog for a while.   A lot of things have happened in the past few days, including the calamity due  to typhoon Ondoy, the start of my MBA classes, my salary increase that has brought me a lot of pressure somehow, and the death of my beloved grandmother.  I must say, September had been a month where I have experienced things I have never experienced in my entire life.  I can say that my experience this month is something that some people experience in years.  My life has changed a lot.  I have gained and lost friends and loved ones.  It is almost like starting my life over.

With all these things, I sometimes fail to pause and ask God for his message.  My heart is heavy as I write this and my mind does not seem to be in a very organized mood.  My thoughts are scattered and by writing here, I am trying to pull myself back together.  But how do I do that?  I guess, I should just pause and let God start revealing His messages to me.  I feel the burden of people who suffered from the typhoon.  I have experienced starting my life over and it took years for me and my family to have things back to where it is.  Now, I see a lot of people having to do that, some do not even have the means to do so.  And when I am finally back on track, I lost that one person who I offer it to - my dear Lola Ikang.  The woman who raised me to be the person that I am now.  She was like a mother to me.  She was my mother for the first years of my life until I reached high school.  Now, I know that no matter how much money I give her, she will not really take it.  Even if I give her an entire mall where we can go shopping for the shoes and clothes she use to love, she will not want to.  She is now perfectly happy where she is, in heaven with her Creator.  And I am to choose between a year here or a minute there, I would surely choose that one minute in heaven than a year on earth.

With all the things that happened, I realized that God is really in control.  No matter how tough the circumstances are or no matter how hard it really is to find a meaning on the things that happen to us, soon we will for sure.  We just need to open our hearts and minds.  We also just have to realize how blessed we are for just being alive or for just knowing Jesus.  Even if Ondoy wrecked our homes or took our loved ones, we should not think that God has forsaken us or that He does not love us.  Let’s just wait for His message, let us wait until our hearts are open enough to receive that message of love God have for us.

My friends asked me what I am going to do last Friday and I told them I was going to Tomas Morato.  The place is known as a gimmick place where there’s a lot of bars, restos and coffee shops around.  People automatically think that I am going out on a date or going out on a gimmick with friends.  Well, I was going to meet with someone then.  Someone really special.  I actually do have a date.  A date with Jesus.  Not doing what “normal” people do on a Friday night but doing the best thing a person can do.  What do I get from gimmicks - probably, for most people a drink and a hangover the next day.  Or for some, an empty pocket.  Here, I gain more riches than lose them.  I went on a church vigil, meeting with my Lord and collaborating with Him to save people from sin - what can be more meaningful than that?

Now, I wonder.  Will I ever find someone, a man, who will join me on these dates?  Who will spend the evening with me, with God in our goal to save more souls from hell?  I wonder… and I hope to find one otherwise, it is not worth it at all.

Lately, I have been so happy and feel so blessed.  I feel that somehow, I am close to living the life I wanted.  No hang ups, no longer living in the past and just moving forward.  I am beginning to explore more than I use to.  Setting no limits to what I can do and what I can achieve.  I feel more free.  I feel that God has led me to the path that I am supposed to take.  I just pray that this will continue.  I have been so blessed.

I think I should thank a friend for this.  Thank you for teaching me how life is supposed to be.  Thank you for making me realize my passions and inspiring me to reach for my dreams instead of just dreaming about it.  People enter our lives for a reason and they definitely have a purpose.  Since last year, there seem to be an invisible roadmap that I am made to follow.  Now, I feel that I am getting closer to my destination.  This year will be a great year… this is the year that I really start living.

I think I have come to the point of  understanding certain things, certain mistakes I made in the past.  Well, I know I have said this a lot of times but I will say it again, I rushed.  By expressing my own feelings, I have put the pressure on you and set my expectations too high.  Then, from there things started to get more and more complicated.

I have set my priorities too high.  When I said I care about you, I expected you to say the same.  I expected you to express your feelings.  When you did not, I started to ask myself and question your motives.  I began to feel insecure and ask why you cannot tell me.  I began to look at my own flaws and magnify yours.  I began to ask why you and I became friends.  I began to question your actions.  I began to think that maybe, you think I am not good enough for you and strive harder and harder to prove that I am even if I myself am not sure about my own feelings and motives.  I was not sure if I really love you.  I was not sure if I really want to be with you.  What drove me was the need to know the answer.  The need to receive feedback for something I uttered.  It took me a lot of courage to say that I care yet, you never put any importance on that.  All these circumstances caused more pressure on you and drove you away, hurting both of us in the process.

Well, this does not mean I take all the blame.  I only meant that I understand things now that I see things in a different perspective.  It only meant that I realized that to be with you is not really what I want and I may have cared for you, but it wasn’t enough to be called love.  Thanks for everything though.  With all the pressure of proving that I deserve you, I have become a better person.  The experience may not have been something ideal but I guess, it was worth it somehow.  From it, I have attained a certain level of maturity.  No more fears.  No more hang ups.  I am now free from the past.  Happy. Living the life I want.   Loving myself and ready to love again.

With our busy lives, it is so easy to neglect certain things, events and even people.  Like what most people say, we forget to stop and smell the flowers.  I guess I had my respite a couple of days ago.  First is when I went to Baguio then when I got sick.  Let’s set aside the Baguio story for now what I really want to focus on are the simple things in life that we tend to overlook.  It had been raining everyday non stop and I just broke my umbrella on my trip to Baguio.  Well, so much for a Php60 umbrella I bought knowing how clumsy I am in using that thing - never really want to use it anyway.  So, without an umbrella, running nose, heavy rain, fever the other day, getting drenched will be the worst thing that can happen to me but somehow with the present condition, it is almost unavoidable.   But on my way to work, the rain just stopped and I was able to get a cab soon.  That is already a miracle.  A window opened for me so I won’t get wet with the rain and get even sicker.  Then, that evening, still without an umbrella and with heavy rain all day, seems that God opened a window again so I can get home dry.  Rain stopped and getting a cab was quite easy.

There are more little blessings that come my way.  If I will write it down, I must say this page will be so full I might have to start another blog and get another server.  There are so many things that God has given me, even when I don’t ask Him because He knows it will be good for me.  From the simplest thing as making me wake up every morning with all my organs working well or by sending a cab my way so I won’t get late.  I guess, this is more than just stopping to smell the flowers.  It is also marvelling at its beauty and thinking about the One who created it.   Or hearing the birds sing and thinking who created those calming melodies?  Or looking at the sky and seeing the artwork painted by God.  Hmmm…. what a great life and what a great God we have.

I had been writing then deleting then deleting again for the past few minutes.  I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t know how I can put into words the way I feel right now.  Isn’t the rather difficult?  I mean, this is my outlet.  This is where I rant and rave but now, this is becoming a bit impossible.   Could it be that I am seeing red lights again and anxiety is starting to take over?  Anxiety from restraining myself from doing what I want to do?  Or is it anxiety from stopping myself from being with someone whom I love to be with?  Perhaps both?  I have to find another outlet to release this feeling that is starting to get hold of me.  There are times when I get hold of it but there are times when I lose my grip.

I need to start with my masters already or start with myoviolin lessons.  I need to have a life.  I need to live a life so I can forget.  To stop this seed from growing by burrying it deeper and deeper until it is completely forgotten.  Or perhaps, let the wind blow so profusely so it gets blown away?  Maybe I am just feeling lonely or maybe I am already falling?  Naaahhhh…. I think, I am just bored.  You don’t fall for someone you can’t be with.

I could never understand why this site had been blocked by Google and why it was hacked.  This is just a personal blog where I just rant and say whatever I want.  Who would care about this?

I have never really thought of or pondered about certain things in my life.  Sometimes, reality just strikes and made me think about how I am living.  Sometimes, people come to our lives to show us things and make us realize things we have never paid attention to or we thought we are already doing but in reality, we are not.  I know this may sound silly or very jologs.  Yesterday, I watched Eat Bulaga.  Well, not lwatched as in watched.  I was doing some other things while the television is on… now you will say, what a waste.  Yeah.  I guess.  But since childhood, I think the television has been like a companion to me.  That as long as it is on, I don’t feel alone.  So, there goes the long introduction.  Yesterday, they featured 30 students, all from poor families but achievers.  Children who went out of their way just to be educated.   Children who cannot even afford to buy a pair of shoes, school supplies, snacks or walk miles just to get to school.  Children who will be extremely extatic if you will give them a pair of shoes, food to eat and a complete set of school supplies.

Then it struck me.  How my mind worked in my younger years and perhaps,  until now. When I was in grade school, all that mattered is that I win.  I never really valued my education.  I never thought of it as the way to help my family have a better life. I never worked hard.  Never really studied hard even in my college years.  For me, as long as I meet people’s expectations, my family’s expectations, I am fine.  So I ended up, being half educated.  I am not sure if you will understand it though.  My true education only came when my family faced certain trials that I had to change my own lifestyle.

I realized how blessed I am and how much time I have wasted.  I hope to make a difference.  I hope to have a purpose.  We surely have more than 30 students who are like that in our country, more so the world.  Honestly, I don’t know what to do yet but I know I can do something.  No matter how small, no matter how irrelevant it may seem or ridiculous it may be.