I woke up and found you in my mind.  How can you stay there for so long?  Do you not sleep at all?  I wonder how I can ever get rid of you?  Can I ask a doctor to pull you out of there permanently?  If he is able to do so, then, will I be able to recognize you when I see you across the street?  Or will my heart skip when I see you again and I won’t understand why?

I wonder what my life will be without you.  You keep on messing with my mind - both in a good and bad way.  I just talked to you this evening and it although the conversation did not really leave me feeling good, I was really thankful we had that conversation.  You asked me questions I never asked myself before but should have asked.  You made me think about who I am and what I can become.  I told you that it is always great to have a friend who challenges you to become a better person.  Then you told me that it is good to have someone with whom you can have discussions with and share your opinion with and even if you do not always agree, it only becomes challenging and not aggravated.

I guess these conversations made me think about you.  These are probably the reasons why you are always on my mind and even if I ask a doctor to remove you from my memory, I will always be drawn to you when you start talking.  As I keep on telling you, we share the same values.   I sometimes wonder where these conversations will lead us though.  Wherever that is, I am thankful that I have taken this journey.  I am thankful that I met you for you helped put my life into perspective.  I was looking the wrong way then.  I may not be doing perfectly now but I know I am making more progress now than before.

For all these things, I want to thank you and wherever you go, I will never forget you.

I am now counting the days until that day when you will be out of my life.  Well, at least physically but I will probably want to just end it there.  I will most likely not get in touch with you anymore once you left this country.  I will just consider you as someone I met and helped me find my way.  Someone who led me to where I am now and gave me a glimpse of where I want and should go.

Well, my biggest worry is not really when you will leave but when you decide to stay.  Our friendship seem to be getting deeper and I am beginning to care for you more and more.  When you leave, I will probably be sad for a while.  I will miss you for sure.  I will miss the endless conversations we seem to have.  We never seem to run out of topics to talk about - whether it is just a stupid topic or something more profound.  But I know that when you leave, I can move on after a day or two.  Yet, if you stay, our friendship might even grow deeper that it may be harder for me to detach myself from you.  The attachment will grow stronger.  How would I feel when you start dating someone?  How would I feel when you have someone already and I am still alone?  It will feel like I have lost my bestfriend.  It will be more difficult to deal with than when you just leave now.  I can be possessive and jealous.  I will surely feel bad that my bestfriend is spending less and less time with me.

I saw you this evening and you showed me your gift for one of our officemates.  I felt jealous.  I thought I was special when you gave me a gift on my birthday but I guess, I wasn’t.  That was what’s on my mind when you showed me the gift.  You probably saw that in my face and immediately you said that you definitely gave me a bigger box of chocolates.  It is funny how you can read my thoughts.

I remember during our meeting when I smiled and you said, “I know that smile, that means you are smiling but you are not okay”.

I guess you know me more than anyone else, sometimes you seem to know me more than I know myself.  No matter what happened, I know that you will remain a special part of me.  I will never forget you in two weeks just like what you said.  I will probably never forget you at all.  How can I forget the only person with whom I was able to share all my thoughts without being judged?  How can I forget that person who showed me that part of myself that I have never seen before?  How can I forget all the conversations we had?  How can I forget the friend I have learned to love?

Friday, April 8, 2011.  You handed me your resignation letter just before I left.  I hated that my class was moved to that day.  I wanted to stay longer and talk to you more or have coffee with you after work but I cannot.  My class got in the way.  But I guess, it worked to my advantage as well.  I could have admitted how I felt then if I had more time.  I felt like crying, honestly.  My heart felt like it was going to burst that I couldn’t breathe.  I asked you if it will be too weird if I tell you that I feel like crying at that moment.  You told me don’t cry and that if I ever go to Holland, you will be there and we can smoke weed and go to the red light district together.  We use to joke about those things being the only thing you can really do in your country.  You also told me that I will surely forget about you after two weeks.  Then I had to leave and you went with me until I got a cab.  A gesture that I really appreciated.  If you only knew that at that moment, what I really want to do is hug you and be embraced by your strong arms.

That day, you seem quite anxious.  I have never seen you look so sad and frustrated without telling me the reason.  That Friday, you just said that you are already tired and do not feel like working anymore but there are still some things that you need to do.  You were probably tired but I would like to think it is because you also have a lot to say but cannot say it.

The hardest thing I think is the fact that there are so many things I want to tell you but I cannot.  I wanted to tell you that I want to go with you.  I wanted to ask you and beg you to stay.  I wanted to tell you that I love you. I wanted to tell you that when you leave, my life will definitely be more difficult.  You made things easier to bear.  You made me see myself in a different light.  Made me believe in myself more.  You saw through me.  I wonder if you also saw how I really feel for you.  If you did, why won’t you tell me how you feel?  Or maybe, you just don’t feel anything so there is nothing to be said.

I never really wanted to write again and say the same story.  Well, I really hope this will not end up as the other stories in my life or should I say, I hope this part will never end.  I met him in the office.  I probably met him there because I will not even pay attention if I met him elsewhere.  I would probably not even give him a second glance.  He will probably do the same with me.  It is not really his looks that drew me to him.  It is more on his personality, his smile.  The way he smiles at me in the morning and ask if I practice not smiling in front of a mirror because I am good at it.  The way he said I should learn to smile more often.  The way he ask why I am smiling.  The way we end up laughing after we share our frustrations to each other.  The way he makes me realize a lot of things and the comfort I feel when he is around.  To sum it up, it is more of his personality and how his personality complements mine that has drawn me close to him.  I don’t even know how it happened.  It probably got ignited during that first dinner with the team or when he said he came to the Philippines when he learned that I am there.

We just click, you can probably say that.  There is an air between us that actually draws us together.  I tried to stop myself from feeling this way.  I am not sure if I want to fall in love again and I know for sure that there are a lot of risks involved when I fall in love with you.  But one thing I haven’t really mastered is trying not to fall in love because the more I tried not to, the more I fall.  I did try not to fall for you and until now, I am still trying.   It has been a daily struggle.  Unlike the others, I cannot just pull you out of my life when I want to or when I have become too scared.  Pulling you out has a lot of implications - is this part of the master plan?  Now, you seem to be in my mind almost all the time.  I am starting to dream of being wrapped in your arms to feel that warmth and security that your embrace brings.  I probably am even dreaming of your kiss every now and then - though this is something I immediately brush off my thoughts.

I don’t know where life will take us.  As you said, everything happens for a reason.  I don’t know what reason God has for bringing you into my life.  I probably won’t be able to know either.  You are leaving in two months and until now, you are still not sure if you are coming back or not.  I am scared that if I fall for you now and you decided not to come back, I will be left here all broken again.  Or what if I am just making up these things in my head - the feeling that we seem to have for each other?

I definitely do not want to fall in love with someone who does not love me in return.  It is just too painful.  I cannot bear to feel that pain again.  Please, not again…

Friday, February 18, 2011.   It is probably one of the days I will never forget.  It was the day when I met an accident.  It was the day when I realized how easily one’s life can be taken, how a simple mistake can lead to a disaster, and how your life can change in a split second.  It is also the day when God has spoken to me and I did not listen.

I had been stressed for over two weeks already.  Probably because of work of because of the emotional dilemma that I am going through.  I woke up that morning having a queer feeling.   The weird dream probably contributed to that feeling.  I was not feeling well and I don’t really feel like driving.  I asked my sister if she can drive for me but she is also a bit sick herself.  I thought about just riding a cab but I said, what the heck, I will just drive.  When I went down to get my car, there was heavy traffic on our street so I cannot really leave yet.  While waiting, I decided to clean my car a bit.  Once the traffic started running smoothly, I hopped on board, start my engine, put my gear on reverse.  The guard asked me to drive my car forward so he can remove the block first.  With the instruction, I released the break and my car suddenly went on a free fall backwards.  It all happened so fast it took a while for me to realize that the reason why I was seeing a tricycle falling sideways in my rearview mirror is because of my car pushing it that way.  I hit the break, my hand shook, I was lost.

I was looking at what is happening, not able to digest what is going on.  I saw a kid with his mother, the driver standing.  Thank God, all they got were minor bumps.  The people around me told the tricycle driver it was his fault.  In my heart I know they were just trying to protect me.  It was my fault.  I tried to arrange for everything, called my agent, called my office, gave my number to the mother so they can let me know the kid’s condition, got the tricycle fixed.  After that, I went back to my apartment and started crying.  Crying out of fear, crying of gratitude, crying in frustration and regret.

I could have killed them.  If  it was just a man passing behind my car when it happened, it would have cost him his life.  I would have killed someone.  God is so merciful that eventhough I did not heed to His instruction, He still protected me and made things as light as possible.  Nobody was badly hurt.  Everyone in the scene was so kind to me.  I cried of frustration, of regret.  If only I followed God’s instruction and just took a cab, it would not have happened.

I now see how God tried to direct us, lead us to prevent bad things from happening to us.  I now realize that God tried to stop that tragedy to happen by prompting me to just take a cab.  It is true that God will lead us to what is good.  It is true that God is always there.  It is true that our choices will produce different results but no matter what our choices are, God is there with us.  We can never say that God never warned us from choosing the wrong way.  He does, I believe He always does but we are just to deaf to hear or to blind to see where He is leading us.  I never thought of that such thing may happen unless it did.  From now on, I will listen to that voice inside me and follow it’s instructions.  For all I know, it could be God whispering to me, protecting me, leading me to a better place.

My sister was a bit sick for a couple of days and my parents decided to bring her home to the province leaving me alone in my apartment.  It was actually perfect timing since I felt that I needed some time alone to think about what I really want and also to get that taste of complete independence once more.  These past few months or probably years, my mother had been giving me too much attention that although I can do things on my own, I sort of let her do it since it seem to make her happy and give her a sense of purpose.  So, I was alone for a week in my apartment, cooking, cleaning a bit, coming home and having to do everything by myself.  It was a good feeling, just looking after myself and not thinking about anyone else.  Of course, my mother keeps on calling me at night just to check if I am home but that’s it.  It felt like I am free.

The week went by quickly.  It was both boring and fun and tiring all at the same time.  My mom even asked me if I am not scared.  I guess she never really learned that I am not scared of anything that can destroy the body but that which can destroy my soul.   I can risk being physically hurt but I cannot let anyone or anything destroy my spirit.

There were times when loneliness creep in.  I guess, I am starting to realize how I really feel about one person and it is scary.  It is a mixture of feeling happy, scared, and sad at the same time.  I am happy when I am with him.  His presence gives me a sense of security.  Feeling secured that someone understands how I feel, where I am coming from, my frustrations, my happiness.  He makes me smile.  His smile is so contagious that I cannot help but smile when he smiles a me even if I don’t really feel like it.  Scared because there are too many things at stake.  It is a rather complicated situation.  And sad that no matter how good it feels, no matter how right it seems, something tells me to stop because of the risks that goes with it.  Sad to think that when I feel that I finally found someone who perfectly suit me, I have to give it up because it seems to be the right thing to do.

I am turning 31 soon and the first question that people ask me when I meet them is if I am married already, why I am not married and when I am going to get married.  I hate it when they ask me that question.  If I know the answer, then I would have been happier and maybe I am already with someone.  I am not sure if God wants me to be married, maybe He does or maybe He does not.  I guess, only time can answer that question.  I just pray that if this man is not the one, I hope God will take him out of my life soon.  I cannot face another round of loving, hoping and losing.  My heart seem so weak now and it cannot take another fall, another hurt.  I guess, all I can do is pray and wait for God’s will to unfold.

It has been a couple of months since I have last written in this blog.  I am now 30 years old.  Still mature and immature.  Still searching for my place on earth.  Still searching for purpose.

I had been working for a company for 6 long years.  I must say it really is a blessing.  From the day I got hired, I know it was the beginning of something great, and it proved to be something like that.  It was 6 years of learning, improving, failure, stress, love, hate, anger, frustrations, triumphs, all the different emotions you can think of.  All different emotions that made me who I am now.  All happenings that changed me either to become a better person or bring out the worse in me.  From broken promises to shattered dreams, from dreams that come true and dreams that fade.  All in all, it had been one great journey.  Yet, all journey’s must end.  All beginnings end.

Now, I face a crossroad.  The need to choose between two paths that leads to an unknown destination.

I have come to the point where I am tired of going to the office, doing what other people ask me to do, fixing problems, fighting my own battles.  I have come to the point when I had to drag my feet to the office that I used to love.  I have come to the point when coming to work does not feel right anymore.   It seem to have lost its meaning.  It is no longer as fulfilling as it used to be.  My voice just became a tiny scream that no one hears. My contributions in the company had been overshadowed by fancy powerpoint presentations and long talks that meant nothing.  My output had been covered by nice looking suits and pretty clothes.  It is no longer the same as before, but I wouldn’t mind the change if we only put importance on what really matters.  My heart breaks to realize that I am being put to the position where I have to prove myself over and over when I have already proven my worth.  My heart breaks my boss tells me that I have not reached a certain level so he cannot give me an increase when those who are receiving the salary I am asking have not even accomplished half of what I have accomplished.  It is said that I have grown bitter and have lost faith in the company that I have helped build because it never took care of me.  Yet, I am certain that as long as I work, I will be receiving a salary.  That in two years, my boss even promised to give all the managers a bonus when the company goes IPO.  Can my heart take another two years?  What opportunities will I miss in two years?

When the other side of me is saying it is time to leave.  That it is now time to explore other options outside the dirty politics of the corporate world.  I know I can do it somehow, if God wills it.  I know that I can succeed and this time, I will work hard and succeed for myself and for those I love.  I will be doing what I love to do and no one will tell me to lie or be political or should I say hypocrite?  I can heal the bitterness that I have come to feel over the last few months.  There is risk I know but it feels like it is worth the risk.

Now, which road should I take?  Should I risk two years of possible opportunities for a certain rate of security? Which will glorify my God?  Is my heart telling me the answer now?  It is not easy to make these choices.  It is so easy to say to myself and say it is best to leave. But is it what God really wants?  I have my fear and pride that is getting in the way.  I also haven’t forgotten the fact that in some ways, my boss treated me well.  It is just probably not in his nature to think about the things I have in mind. I owe him 6 years as he also owes me the 6 years I will never get back.  Will I give him another two years of my life?  Or should I take those two years for myself?

I remember me and my bestfriend talking before saying that the good thing about us is that we try to see the lighter side of things.  It was probably easier to say it then when we were younger.  Yet, it is also not difficult to say it now.  Positive thinking results to a lot of great things, but I think I would rather call it faith.  The faith that God is in control and that everything will be better in His time.  Faith that no matter how difficult your situation is right now, God is there with you and He will never leave you until everything is well again.  I don’t think faith or positive thinking means that we are not allowed to feel feer at all.  I believe it is alright to feel fear at times, after all, we are only human and fear is one of the emotions that we humans feel.  Yet, that fear should bring us to realize our weakness and seek God’s strength.  Our fear should lead us to recognizing that we are not strong enough but God’s strength can overcome anything, and begin to rely on God’s providence than our own.  It is like passing the wheel to him when the ship is faced with a storm and letting Him take you to the shore.

I have felt fear a number of times but after I write it down and began realizing how good my God is, my fear slowly turns to faith.  Faith that brings a lot of miracles in my life, a smile on my face and a glow in my eyes.  I don’t know what the future will bring, nor what will happen tomorrow all I know is that when I wake up tomorrow morning, that means God wants me to stay here on earth and He will also stay with me.

I have not been able to write in this blog for a while.   A lot of things have happened in the past few days, including the calamity due  to typhoon Ondoy, the start of my MBA classes, my salary increase that has brought me a lot of pressure somehow, and the death of my beloved grandmother.  I must say, September had been a month where I have experienced things I have never experienced in my entire life.  I can say that my experience this month is something that some people experience in years.  My life has changed a lot.  I have gained and lost friends and loved ones.  It is almost like starting my life over.

With all these things, I sometimes fail to pause and ask God for his message.  My heart is heavy as I write this and my mind does not seem to be in a very organized mood.  My thoughts are scattered and by writing here, I am trying to pull myself back together.  But how do I do that?  I guess, I should just pause and let God start revealing His messages to me.  I feel the burden of people who suffered from the typhoon.  I have experienced starting my life over and it took years for me and my family to have things back to where it is.  Now, I see a lot of people having to do that, some do not even have the means to do so.  And when I am finally back on track, I lost that one person who I offer it to - my dear Lola Ikang.  The woman who raised me to be the person that I am now.  She was like a mother to me.  She was my mother for the first years of my life until I reached high school.  Now, I know that no matter how much money I give her, she will not really take it.  Even if I give her an entire mall where we can go shopping for the shoes and clothes she use to love, she will not want to.  She is now perfectly happy where she is, in heaven with her Creator.  And I am to choose between a year here or a minute there, I would surely choose that one minute in heaven than a year on earth.

With all the things that happened, I realized that God is really in control.  No matter how tough the circumstances are or no matter how hard it really is to find a meaning on the things that happen to us, soon we will for sure.  We just need to open our hearts and minds.  We also just have to realize how blessed we are for just being alive or for just knowing Jesus.  Even if Ondoy wrecked our homes or took our loved ones, we should not think that God has forsaken us or that He does not love us.  Let’s just wait for His message, let us wait until our hearts are open enough to receive that message of love God have for us.

My friends asked me what I am going to do last Friday and I told them I was going to Tomas Morato.  The place is known as a gimmick place where there’s a lot of bars, restos and coffee shops around.  People automatically think that I am going out on a date or going out on a gimmick with friends.  Well, I was going to meet with someone then.  Someone really special.  I actually do have a date.  A date with Jesus.  Not doing what “normal” people do on a Friday night but doing the best thing a person can do.  What do I get from gimmicks - probably, for most people a drink and a hangover the next day.  Or for some, an empty pocket.  Here, I gain more riches than lose them.  I went on a church vigil, meeting with my Lord and collaborating with Him to save people from sin - what can be more meaningful than that?

Now, I wonder.  Will I ever find someone, a man, who will join me on these dates?  Who will spend the evening with me, with God in our goal to save more souls from hell?  I wonder… and I hope to find one otherwise, it is not worth it at all.