I just want to share the homily last Sunday.  The Gospel is basically about faith. When Jesus walks on water and Peter also did but when the wind got stronger, he became frightened and began to sink.  The homily is pretty much the same.  There was a man who went fishing.  He was so overwhelmed that he did not notice the storm clouds forming.  When he did, he got frightened.  From a distance, he saw a man walking on water.  He called out and asked: “Lord, is that you?”.  The Lord replied, “Yes, it is me”.  Then, the man said “Lord, if it is really you, bid me to come to you”.  The Lord said “Come”.

The man took something from his boat’s compartment then walked towards the Lord.  Then, the wind blew even stronger and the man became overwhelmed with fear.  Like Peter, he began to sink and asked the Lord to save him.  When Jesus was reaching out his hand to him, He asked “What is it you’re wearing?”.  The man replied “Life Jacket.  In case you cannot save me, I still have a life jacket so I won’t drown”.

A lot of us do this.  We always have a life jacket in case God’s power is not enough which is contrary to our faith.  Having a life jacket only mean one thing - we do not have enough faith, have but little faith in God.  We pray to God yet we still worry.  We pray to Jesus yet we still have Buddha statues or feng shui stuff in our house.  If we say we trust God, trust Him completely.  He created heaven and earth, He gave us life - what is there that He cannot do?  The answer is NOTHING.

It was September 12, 2007 when he left. My whole world crashed on that day that if death comes to those who wish for it, I would have died a thousand times that day. All my dreams turned to dust. I felt that life is not worth living anymore and tomorrow is just another day of torment. I was lost.

It was November 19, 2007 when we first met. It was December 11, 2007 when our friendship started. I was in the process of healing a broken heart. Trying to live my life again. Starting my life over. I was too scared at that time…. Too scared to get hurt again. Yet, you eased my mind. You told me not to economize on love, that I should not be afraid to take risks for who knows if the other person is also willing to take those risks with me. Slowly, my defenses went down. There are no walls between us now. You already have my heart. But until now, I still don’t know if I even matter to you.

When he left, I asked God to protect my heart. I asked Him that if I will ever fall in love again, let it be with the man who will really love me, the man He reserved for me. When I met you, I felt that God answered my prayer. Yet now, I am in love with you and I am hurting. My faith tells me to believe that if I asked God to protect my heart, He will and He did. Yet, a part of me is asking if I let God guide me or did I stir away from His direction. Yet, why did He put us in the position where it will be hard for me to avoid you? Why did He let you work in the same company when He could have just led you somewhere else?

I pray for God’s will to unfold. If you’re not meant for me, then help me get over this feeling that I feel for you. If we are meant for each other, I pray for patience and hope. That if you are meant for me, help me be patient until it’s time for His will to unfold. It is easy to believe, but it’s the waiting that’s hard to endure. If I believe the wrong thing, then I pray for God to tell me what to believe.

I just read the article from Bo Sanchez’s blog about having a Joy List.  I ask myself, what makes me happy.  I actually don’t know.  Sometimes, it seems that my happiness just depends on one person - the man I love.  If he is happy, I’m also happy.  If he ignores me, then I become sad.  Whenever he treats me nicely, my heart is filled with joy.  Whenever he is mean to me, then my heart breaks into pieces.  I feel that somehow, I am losing myself.  Same goes with my job.  It seems that my work dictates me and it is not me who dictates my course at work.  It feels like I am doing things because they have to be done and if I don’t do it, things will get messed up.  In general, I am not really happy.  I am thankful that my life is good but I am not really happy.

What can make a person really happy?  I think it is the inner peace that we have.  Our relationship with God and other people.  I want to pray more because when I pray, I feel a different peace, a different kind of happiness.  I feel serene.  I want to help other people.  It pains me whenever I hear stories of people giving up on their dreams or those people who find it hard to make ends meet.  It pains me whenever I hear other companies terminating their employees to cut cost.  It hurts me when I hurt other people, even if it is the right thing to do.  It makes me sad to see other people suffering or unhappy.  It hurts me when I think that the man I love does not care about me.

What can make me happy at this point in my life?  I don’t really know.  That is if you define happiness in a deeper sense of the word.  Yet, you will still see me smiling.  I smile whenever I see people happy.  I smile when I see people reaching for their dreams and being able to reach it.  I smile when I do something good.  Those are the instances when I can say that I am happy.  But somehow, some part of me bleeds for I don’t know where I am going.  The company is growing really fast and I am letting that growth dictate my course.  Instead of me holding the steering wheel, it is the company that steers my life.  I feel like I am a puppet and the puppet master at the same time.  I hold the strings but the strings dictate my movements but I cannot set myself free coz if I do, my world will crash.

I don’t want to be consumed by this growth, instead, I want to hold the wheel.  I want to be on top of things and not let these things come on top of me.  It’s sad that you have to let go of something, to sacrifice something to achieve something.  In the end, I know I cannot have it all but if I had to choose - I would rather lose everything I have worked hard for than lose my soul.

Why do I go to church?  I must admit, there was a time when I think it was absolutely a waste of time to go to church and hear mass.  It is not in the Bible, I said.  People only go to church to flaunt their new clothes, to show other people that they are good, and for some, to meet with friends and talk about other people.  It was sheer hypocrisy.  Why should I go when I will only see those people?  Until I have come to realize why I should go hear mass.  There are a lot of stories behind it.  Believe me, I was as skeptic as you are.

In college, my professor in religion told us, we go to church to replenish our love supply.  That by hearing the mass, we experience God’s love for us.  We remember how He love us and thus, our love for Him is also recharged.  When we go out of the church after mass, we have love in our hearts that we can share to other people.   This is one of the steps I took that led me to go to church on Sundays.

Then, after college, I had a boyfriend who was a Seventh Day Adventist.  Influenced by his beliefs, I stopped going to church.  When we broke up, I felt so empty.  On the way to my previous office, I always pass by the EDSA Shrine and Megamall chapel.  During those days of brokenness, I go there and I feel whole again.  I don’t know why but I feel at peace whenever I go there.  I feel like all my worries are gone whenever I will sit or kneel at the corner and talk to God.  There, I find healing to my brokenness.

Eventually, I got healed and got busy that I did not have the time to go to church anymore.  In 2005, my brother entered the seminary.  He knew how my faith is - that my religion is a combination of various religion.  Then, he talked to me and asked me to hear mass every Sunday for him.  I love my brother so I did as he requested.  This is then, another step.

As I do it, I realize a lot of things.  I knew that my college professor is right.  Whenever I hear the mass, I receive God’s love.  The love that I should share to other people.  It is true that there is a lot of hypocrisy there, just like in any religious institutions.  I have seen it all.  I have seen people who just go to church to find business partners.   Some go to church or join organizations so people think they are holy and be regarded highly.  I have seen people gossiping about other people.  That, and a lot of other negative things.  Then again, what do I care?  I go there to meet with God and not to see them.  I go to church to be with God.  It is like our weekly date.  The day when we renew our vows.  He is with me everyday.  He come to me whenever I need Him.  He is always there for me, answering my prayers.  He is only asking for an hour.  He is only asking us to spend an hour with Him and what reason do I have not to give it to Him who gave me everything?  I go to church to meet with God and show Him my love.  I know, in return, God also fill my heart with blessings that will last until our next meeting and beyond.

Now, going to church has become very addictive.  I want to be with Him all the time.  His presence overwhelms me.  His presence makes me excited for the life after this one.  If I could just stay in His presence longer, I will.  There is the only place where I am at peace and where I feel the love that goes beyond the superficial.

I go to church to pray for guidance and strength for I know that I cannot make it alone.  I go to church to ask for forgiveness, for I know how weak I can become.  I go to church to pray that if this love is not meant to be, that God will give me the strength to get over you.  That if this love is not meant to be, guide me and lead me to the place where I should be. But if this love is meant to be, give me strength as I wait for His will to unfold for it is the waiting that’s hard to endure.

What profits a man when he gains the whole world but loses his own soul?  I may have everything but they have no value in heaven.

Where your heart is, there is where your treasure will be…  I want to build my treasure in heaven but how?

A lot of things flood my mind these past few days.  Things I should have thought about a lot of times.  My heart is beginning to lose its warmth.  My mind is beginning to be one with the world.  I don’t want these to happen.  I had to retreat and go back to where I came from.  I don’t want to lose my soul.  Emptiness started to creep from within me.  My conscience is asking me if this is where I want to be.   So, I cried out for God to help me.  I never wanted to be far from Him.  I don’t want to go astray.  Fill my heart with Your warmth again.  Fill my mind with faith.  Don’t let me go astray.  Embrace me and keep me near.

1. Longing for light, we wait in darkness.
Longing for truth, we turn to you.
Make us your own, your holy people,
light for the world to see.

Refrain
Christ, be our light! Shine in our hearts.
Shine through the darkness.
Christ, be our light!
Shine in your church gathered today.

2. Longing for peace, our world is troubled.
Longing for hope, many despair.
Your word alone has power to save us.
Make us your living voice.

3. Longing for food, many are hungry.
Longing for water, many still thirst.
Make us your bread, broken for others,
shared until all are fed.

4. Longing for shelter, many are homeless.
Longing for warmth, many are cold.
Make us your building, sheltering others,
walls made of living stone.

5. Many the gifts, many the people,
many the hearts that yearn to belong.
Let us be servants to one another,
making your kingdom come.

MY THOUGHTS:  I came across this song in youtube and fell in love with it.  It is so moving that I almost cried.  How I wish I can serve God in this way.  That like Saint Francis, I will be a channel through which God’s people meet Him and be one with Him.

Just recently, I have watched a show on TV with that title.  The show embodies different facets of faith.  Let me share some of my reflections with all of you.

Deal or No Deal… to those who do not know how the show works, a player chooses one brief case among the 26 briefcases that are available.  Each briefcase contains a number which corresponds to the amount of prize money that you can win ranging from 1 to 3 million.  As you go on, you will have to open each briefcases, then the banker will offer you a certain amount of money based on the briefcases that you open.  You can say deal if you already wants to get the money that the banker offers you and  No Deal if you want to continue.  Of course, your goal is not to open the big amounts so the banker’s bid will be high.  If you open the big amounts, then the banke’s offer will be low.  You can also just continue until there are two briefcases left.  One is the one you chose before the game starts (first briefcase) and the other is still left to be opened.  If you say No Deal, then you will open your first briefcase and whatever amount is there is yours.

In one episode, a Catholic woman played the game.  She was holding a cross and she said that she prayed to win the 3 million.  As she plays, things went smoothly at first but some bumps came up along the way.  In the first few bumps, she kept her faith.  She said she has faith that God will give her the 3 million.  A lot of big amounts were opened, the amounts left in the briefcases are a few hundreds and the 3 million.  There is a very small chance that her first briefcase contains the 3 million.  So when the banker offers a relatively high amount, she said DEAL.  Her first briefcase was opened and the 3million is there.  If she hadn’t said DEAL, she would have won the 3million.

Almost on the same week, a Muslim played.  He also encountered some bumps along the way.  Yet, he said he trusted Allah and Allah will give him the 2 million.  He said No Deal till the end.  His briefcase can contain either 250 or 2 million, yet he believed and he got what he prayed for.  He won the 2 million.

Comparing these two individuals, as a Catholic, I feel sad about my brothers and sisters in faith.  The reaction of the woman when she encountered some bumps in her journey is the same reaction most of us have when problems come our way.  When storm comes, our faith get shakened and we give in to temptations.  We are always tempted to take the easy way.  We forget that God will give us what we prayed for, if we trust in Him, when we prayed for the right reason and we don’t let go.

In my life, there are times when I let go of God’s hand and do my will instead of His.  When my boyfriend left me for someone else, I told God that I am going to let Him do His will.  Yet, I got impatient. I can’t wait for God to do it for me anymore so I took action and fell.  I got him back but I was miserable after that.  I wondered, what if I let go and I let God do the work for me.  I know, I will be happier now.

God is good and we should keep our faith.  I am not saying that I am a saint.  I am not.  I have a long way to go to get there, but I know that God will lead me and guide me there as long as I don’t let go and let Him be my God.