Lately, I have been so happy and feel so blessed.  I feel that somehow, I am close to living the life I wanted.  No hang ups, no longer living in the past and just moving forward.  I am beginning to explore more than I use to.  Setting no limits to what I can do and what I can achieve.  I feel more free.  I feel that God has led me to the path that I am supposed to take.  I just pray that this will continue.  I have been so blessed.

I think I should thank a friend for this.  Thank you for teaching me how life is supposed to be.  Thank you for making me realize my passions and inspiring me to reach for my dreams instead of just dreaming about it.  People enter our lives for a reason and they definitely have a purpose.  Since last year, there seem to be an invisible roadmap that I am made to follow.  Now, I feel that I am getting closer to my destination.  This year will be a great year… this is the year that I really start living.

I think I have come to the point of  understanding certain things, certain mistakes I made in the past.  Well, I know I have said this a lot of times but I will say it again, I rushed.  By expressing my own feelings, I have put the pressure on you and set my expectations too high.  Then, from there things started to get more and more complicated.

I have set my priorities too high.  When I said I care about you, I expected you to say the same.  I expected you to express your feelings.  When you did not, I started to ask myself and question your motives.  I began to feel insecure and ask why you cannot tell me.  I began to look at my own flaws and magnify yours.  I began to ask why you and I became friends.  I began to question your actions.  I began to think that maybe, you think I am not good enough for you and strive harder and harder to prove that I am even if I myself am not sure about my own feelings and motives.  I was not sure if I really love you.  I was not sure if I really want to be with you.  What drove me was the need to know the answer.  The need to receive feedback for something I uttered.  It took me a lot of courage to say that I care yet, you never put any importance on that.  All these circumstances caused more pressure on you and drove you away, hurting both of us in the process.

Well, this does not mean I take all the blame.  I only meant that I understand things now that I see things in a different perspective.  It only meant that I realized that to be with you is not really what I want and I may have cared for you, but it wasn’t enough to be called love.  Thanks for everything though.  With all the pressure of proving that I deserve you, I have become a better person.  The experience may not have been something ideal but I guess, it was worth it somehow.  From it, I have attained a certain level of maturity.  No more fears.  No more hang ups.  I am now free from the past.  Happy. Living the life I want.   Loving myself and ready to love again.

I never thought that I’d fall in love, love, love, love
But it grew from a simple crush, crush, crush, crush
Being without you girl, I was all messed up, up, up, up
When you walked out, said that you’d had enough-nough-nough-nough

Been a fool, girl I know
Didn’t expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time, you’ll change your mind
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can’t sleep til you’re next to me
No i can’t live without you no more
Oh i stay up til you’re next to me
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Remember telling my boys that I’d never fall in love, love, love, love
You used to think I’d never find a girl I could trust, trust, trust, trust
And then you walked into my life and it was all about us, us, us, us
But now I’m sitting here thinking I messed the whole thing up, up, up, up

Been a fool (fool), girl I know (know)
Didn’t expect this is how things would go
Maybe in time (time), you’ll change your mind (mind)
Now looking back i wish i could rewind

Because i can’t sleep til you’re next to me
No i can’t live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you’re next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before (Because it)
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah (Ah), Feels like insomnia ah ah

Ah, i just can’t go to sleep
Cause it feels like I’ve fallen for you
It’s getting way too deep
And i know that it’s love because

I can’t sleep til you’re next to me
No i can’t live without you no more (without you no more)
Oh i stay up til you’re next to me (to me)
Til this house feels like it did before
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah
Feels like insomnia ah ah, Feels like insomnia ah ah

My thoughts:  Lately, I had been addicted this song.  Perhaps, because it basically describes how I feel in a rather hip way.  I guess, that’s how it feels to fall in love.   You get a bit of insomnia every now and then… but then again, am I saying that I am in love?  Naahhh… hope not.  Or should I say, I hope not yet….

With our busy lives, it is so easy to neglect certain things, events and even people.  Like what most people say, we forget to stop and smell the flowers.  I guess I had my respite a couple of days ago.  First is when I went to Baguio then when I got sick.  Let’s set aside the Baguio story for now what I really want to focus on are the simple things in life that we tend to overlook.  It had been raining everyday non stop and I just broke my umbrella on my trip to Baguio.  Well, so much for a Php60 umbrella I bought knowing how clumsy I am in using that thing - never really want to use it anyway.  So, without an umbrella, running nose, heavy rain, fever the other day, getting drenched will be the worst thing that can happen to me but somehow with the present condition, it is almost unavoidable.   But on my way to work, the rain just stopped and I was able to get a cab soon.  That is already a miracle.  A window opened for me so I won’t get wet with the rain and get even sicker.  Then, that evening, still without an umbrella and with heavy rain all day, seems that God opened a window again so I can get home dry.  Rain stopped and getting a cab was quite easy.

There are more little blessings that come my way.  If I will write it down, I must say this page will be so full I might have to start another blog and get another server.  There are so many things that God has given me, even when I don’t ask Him because He knows it will be good for me.  From the simplest thing as making me wake up every morning with all my organs working well or by sending a cab my way so I won’t get late.  I guess, this is more than just stopping to smell the flowers.  It is also marvelling at its beauty and thinking about the One who created it.   Or hearing the birds sing and thinking who created those calming melodies?  Or looking at the sky and seeing the artwork painted by God.  Hmmm…. what a great life and what a great God we have.

I have always been competitive.  All  my life I had been competing - in academics, in the election at school, and when I was a kid, I also use to compete with my siblings for attention. My focus is always on winning.  I always have to win and when I lose, I tend to be too hard on myself.  Then, as I grow up, I have learned to let go.  Wherever I go and whatever I do, there will always be someone better than I am.  I begin to realize that the only person I need to compete with is myself.  That all I need to do is just to try to be better than I was before.  Failures will come my way.  I will not always get what I want but who cares.  As long as I do my best, I should be content.  Content but not complacent.  I should use those failures as tools to learn more, to be better.  I should enjoy the ride and forget the competition.  So even if my plans don’t push through or I don’t get what I want, I can still smile and say it’s worth every sacrifice, worth the extra mile and just tell myself, I will do better next time.

Now it seems to me
That you know just what to say
Words are only words
Can you show me something else
Can you swear to me that you’ll always be this way
Show me how you feel
More than ever baby

I don’t wanna be lonely anymore [x3]

I had been writing then deleting then deleting again for the past few minutes.  I don’t really know what to say.  I don’t know how I can put into words the way I feel right now.  Isn’t the rather difficult?  I mean, this is my outlet.  This is where I rant and rave but now, this is becoming a bit impossible.   Could it be that I am seeing red lights again and anxiety is starting to take over?  Anxiety from restraining myself from doing what I want to do?  Or is it anxiety from stopping myself from being with someone whom I love to be with?  Perhaps both?  I have to find another outlet to release this feeling that is starting to get hold of me.  There are times when I get hold of it but there are times when I lose my grip.

I need to start with my masters already or start with myoviolin lessons.  I need to have a life.  I need to live a life so I can forget.  To stop this seed from growing by burrying it deeper and deeper until it is completely forgotten.  Or perhaps, let the wind blow so profusely so it gets blown away?  Maybe I am just feeling lonely or maybe I am already falling?  Naaahhhh…. I think, I am just bored.  You don’t fall for someone you can’t be with.

I could never understand why this site had been blocked by Google and why it was hacked.  This is just a personal blog where I just rant and say whatever I want.  Who would care about this?

I attended the mass this evening.  A boy, about 5 feet tall sat beside me.  He looks rather untidy and a bit of a kanto boy type.  Upon seeing him, I immediately moved away, wanting to transfer to another seat which is not possible because the church is already full.  Then, it dawned to me.  I was singing praises, telling the Lord that I love him when I cannot even sit beside this guy.  I judged him based on his looks.  How can I say that I love God when just sitting beside this guy makes me feel uncomfortable?   Guilt began to creep inside me that I almost cried.  This guy is here to worship God and yet I think of him as an outcast.  God is happy to see him here yet I wanted to send him away.  It’s really shameful.

You seem to be living such a great and exciting life.  The life I wish I have.  Since we met, you have influenced me a lot.  All my dreams that I just thought of, you made me reach for them.  All those things I have always wanted to do but never had the chance or stop myself from doing, I am beginning to do them one by one.  Dancing is just one of them.  I have always loved to dance yet, I stopped.  Now, I am trying to pick up those steps and those moves again.  It is hard, I must say.  Well, my life had almost been stationary in the past 9 years.  I am starting to pick up on my piano lessons and will start with violin in July.  I am traveling more now.  Trying to live the life I want.  Trying to find more meaning in this life.  And the more I know you, the more I want to be with you.  The more I want to be part of your world.  The more I want to be closer to you as a friend.  Thank you.  Thanks for making me realize how life should be lived.