It has been a couple of months since I have last written in this blog.  I am now 30 years old.  Still mature and immature.  Still searching for my place on earth.  Still searching for purpose.

I had been working for a company for 6 long years.  I must say it really is a blessing.  From the day I got hired, I know it was the beginning of something great, and it proved to be something like that.  It was 6 years of learning, improving, failure, stress, love, hate, anger, frustrations, triumphs, all the different emotions you can think of.  All different emotions that made me who I am now.  All happenings that changed me either to become a better person or bring out the worse in me.  From broken promises to shattered dreams, from dreams that come true and dreams that fade.  All in all, it had been one great journey.  Yet, all journey’s must end.  All beginnings end.

Now, I face a crossroad.  The need to choose between two paths that leads to an unknown destination.

I have come to the point where I am tired of going to the office, doing what other people ask me to do, fixing problems, fighting my own battles.  I have come to the point when I had to drag my feet to the office that I used to love.  I have come to the point when coming to work does not feel right anymore.   It seem to have lost its meaning.  It is no longer as fulfilling as it used to be.  My voice just became a tiny scream that no one hears. My contributions in the company had been overshadowed by fancy powerpoint presentations and long talks that meant nothing.  My output had been covered by nice looking suits and pretty clothes.  It is no longer the same as before, but I wouldn’t mind the change if we only put importance on what really matters.  My heart breaks to realize that I am being put to the position where I have to prove myself over and over when I have already proven my worth.  My heart breaks my boss tells me that I have not reached a certain level so he cannot give me an increase when those who are receiving the salary I am asking have not even accomplished half of what I have accomplished.  It is said that I have grown bitter and have lost faith in the company that I have helped build because it never took care of me.  Yet, I am certain that as long as I work, I will be receiving a salary.  That in two years, my boss even promised to give all the managers a bonus when the company goes IPO.  Can my heart take another two years?  What opportunities will I miss in two years?

When the other side of me is saying it is time to leave.  That it is now time to explore other options outside the dirty politics of the corporate world.  I know I can do it somehow, if God wills it.  I know that I can succeed and this time, I will work hard and succeed for myself and for those I love.  I will be doing what I love to do and no one will tell me to lie or be political or should I say hypocrite?  I can heal the bitterness that I have come to feel over the last few months.  There is risk I know but it feels like it is worth the risk.

Now, which road should I take?  Should I risk two years of possible opportunities for a certain rate of security? Which will glorify my God?  Is my heart telling me the answer now?  It is not easy to make these choices.  It is so easy to say to myself and say it is best to leave. But is it what God really wants?  I have my fear and pride that is getting in the way.  I also haven’t forgotten the fact that in some ways, my boss treated me well.  It is just probably not in his nature to think about the things I have in mind. I owe him 6 years as he also owes me the 6 years I will never get back.  Will I give him another two years of my life?  Or should I take those two years for myself?

I just came home from my Ethics class under the MBA program in La Salle.  On of the things that was mentioned in one of the reports is that as we climb up the corporate ladder, we tend to become more alone.  Thus,  leading to loneliness.  I guess, that is what I am feeling right now.  I am feeling kinda lonely but is it because I am alone or is it because I want to be with someone? Or is it both?

The guy I like just drove me home and until now, I still have no clue on how he feels.  Somehow, I manage to keep my guards but I know for sure that those are slowly crumbling down.  Why does he have to be so nice and friendly and smart and funny?  How I feel quite comfortable with him and he seem to also feel as comfortable with me?  Is it just his nature or is there something more?  It is hard to see what lies ahead and it is a bit difficult to just enjoy it when the fear of falling and getting hurt are lurking at the back of my mind.  There are times when I want to run away again, just like what I normally do whenever this happens.  Yet, I cannot seem to pull myself away from something that makes me happy.  I cannot seem to just walk away from something that feels so good.  I cannot seem to make myself decline his offer to bring me home because I enjoy his company.

Is this gonna be one of my lessons on letting things flow and  see where it takes me?  I am scared.  I don’t want to go through that process where I let my guards down and let myself fall and get hurt because my feelings are not reciprocated.  I’m tired of feeling that way.  Although most of the relationships that started this tway ended up in great friendships, the process that comes before that are rather painful and it takes a while before I bounce back.  Certain things suffered for a while, this time, the risk just seem too high or am I just exaggerating?

It is February once again.  Over the past three years, I had been rather freaked out whenever this month comes… my birthday month.  Why? I guess because I am not comfortable with my age yet.  It is rather hard for me to accept that I am almost 30, and this month I will actually be 30 years old.  Officially, an adult.  Officially, supposedly a lady.  I guess, I am scared because I somehow know that I have not lived my life the way I want to and in some ways, in the way that I have to.  I feel like there is still a lot to be done and 30 means, i should meet a certain milestone which I feel I have not. 

Age may just be a number for some but for me, these numbers signify something else, something more.  It signifies a certain level of maturity, a certain level of sacrifice, a certain level of achievement.  I practically just started living about 2 years ago when I started living on my own and not in the shadow of anyone.  Two years does not seem enough to catch up for those times or things that I feel I missed during those times.  I feel that I am not ready to face this stage yet because I have not fully accomplished the other stages of my life.  I tried to rush things in the past two years, trying to catch up but I guess, the time I have lost are lost forever.  All I can do now is maximize and do whatever I can to be what I want to be.  Probably, forget the age and just continue what I started.  I know, the pressure is on and I guess, adding the pressure of rushing things and completing everything before that time might just lead to more harm than good.  I will probably just make the most of it, be satisfied with what I have accomplished in a short span of time.

I am now a woman.  Someone that others will think should be matured enough to face life.  Honestly, I should say I am still a kid at times and I want to stay that way.  I want to stay in touch with the child in me because there is where the fun is, there is where life is like a miracle, there is where life seem to be more meaningful.

I remember me and my bestfriend talking before saying that the good thing about us is that we try to see the lighter side of things.  It was probably easier to say it then when we were younger.  Yet, it is also not difficult to say it now.  Positive thinking results to a lot of great things, but I think I would rather call it faith.  The faith that God is in control and that everything will be better in His time.  Faith that no matter how difficult your situation is right now, God is there with you and He will never leave you until everything is well again.  I don’t think faith or positive thinking means that we are not allowed to feel feer at all.  I believe it is alright to feel fear at times, after all, we are only human and fear is one of the emotions that we humans feel.  Yet, that fear should bring us to realize our weakness and seek God’s strength.  Our fear should lead us to recognizing that we are not strong enough but God’s strength can overcome anything, and begin to rely on God’s providence than our own.  It is like passing the wheel to him when the ship is faced with a storm and letting Him take you to the shore.

I have felt fear a number of times but after I write it down and began realizing how good my God is, my fear slowly turns to faith.  Faith that brings a lot of miracles in my life, a smile on my face and a glow in my eyes.  I don’t know what the future will bring, nor what will happen tomorrow all I know is that when I wake up tomorrow morning, that means God wants me to stay here on earth and He will also stay with me.

We are now welcoming a new year.  A time to start over.  A time to think things over.  A lot of things have happened to me in the past year.  I have travelled via plane for the first time, went out of the country for the first time, got an increase, started my MBA, became happy, sad, lonely, frustrated, burned out, mad, felt victory.  A lot of things that it made me feel that I have only lived in the past two years.  It feels like my life started since he left me.  It felt great and it felt bad at the same time.

I know I had been greatly blessed.  My dreams are coming true one by one, and with that I am also making the dreams of other people come true.  It is like God’s plans had been slowly unfolding right before my eyes.  I am grateful, extremely grateful to my God and the people around me.  Yet, there are times when I long for something.  When my heart yearns for something and I begin to ask what all these things are for.  I know there is a purpose and I already see part of that purpose but is it all there is?  Will I be living my life alone?  I know that being single is something good.  I love the feeling of being free but you cannot be too free.  It feels good to have someone witness how crazy you are.  It feels good to have someone show you a different side of life that you never dared to explore alone.  It makes you feel more alive to have someone look at you as you live and tell you what you are doing wrong or what you are doing right and have that same person, lead you to do what will be good for you.  It feels good to have someone who will just hug you when you are having your tantrums and when you feel frustrated about things that are not going perfectly well.  It feels good to foresee a future with that someone and with your little ones.  I don’t know if this will ever happen to me again, to have someone witness my life as I witness his.

2010 brings a lot of promise, it also brings me fear.  I have not always been good in handling uncertainty.  This year, I will be a year older.  For some people,  I am already old.  A lot of people say I should already get married.  What the heck, I would if I could.  But I have no one to marry.  It scares me to be 30 and not have someone.  It makes me feel lonely all the more seeing my friends get married and happy with their loved ones.  I am happy for them but I would be happier to be in the same position as they are.  It somehow frustrates me to think that I cannot do anything about it.  This is one of the phases in my life where all I can do is stand still and wait for God.

I know this seems like a rant or some words uttered out of desperation.   I know that soon it will be over.  I just want to let it out.  To say that it’s not easy to be here.  Yet, it is also not that hard.  Being single has it ups and downs.  I love the freedom.  I love it that I can do whatever I want and go wherever and with whoever without asking someone’s permission.  But when you are frustrated, sad or lonely, sometimes, just being with friends or anyone’s company is not enough.  Sometimes, you need a warm and strong embrace from the man you love.

I have not been able to write in this blog for a while.   A lot of things have happened in the past few days, including the calamity due  to typhoon Ondoy, the start of my MBA classes, my salary increase that has brought me a lot of pressure somehow, and the death of my beloved grandmother.  I must say, September had been a month where I have experienced things I have never experienced in my entire life.  I can say that my experience this month is something that some people experience in years.  My life has changed a lot.  I have gained and lost friends and loved ones.  It is almost like starting my life over.

With all these things, I sometimes fail to pause and ask God for his message.  My heart is heavy as I write this and my mind does not seem to be in a very organized mood.  My thoughts are scattered and by writing here, I am trying to pull myself back together.  But how do I do that?  I guess, I should just pause and let God start revealing His messages to me.  I feel the burden of people who suffered from the typhoon.  I have experienced starting my life over and it took years for me and my family to have things back to where it is.  Now, I see a lot of people having to do that, some do not even have the means to do so.  And when I am finally back on track, I lost that one person who I offer it to - my dear Lola Ikang.  The woman who raised me to be the person that I am now.  She was like a mother to me.  She was my mother for the first years of my life until I reached high school.  Now, I know that no matter how much money I give her, she will not really take it.  Even if I give her an entire mall where we can go shopping for the shoes and clothes she use to love, she will not want to.  She is now perfectly happy where she is, in heaven with her Creator.  And I am to choose between a year here or a minute there, I would surely choose that one minute in heaven than a year on earth.

With all the things that happened, I realized that God is really in control.  No matter how tough the circumstances are or no matter how hard it really is to find a meaning on the things that happen to us, soon we will for sure.  We just need to open our hearts and minds.  We also just have to realize how blessed we are for just being alive or for just knowing Jesus.  Even if Ondoy wrecked our homes or took our loved ones, we should not think that God has forsaken us or that He does not love us.  Let’s just wait for His message, let us wait until our hearts are open enough to receive that message of love God have for us.

We live our lives each day thinking that everything will stay the same.  That the people we love will always be there.  Putting things off until the next day or the next month, believing they will still be there.  I have been putting things off, waiting for the right time not realizing that the right time could be now.  Right at this moment, fear is starting to creep within me.  I fear of losing one of the most important person in my life and I am not by her side.  Just because I am too busy.  Just because I am too tired.  Probably, I can visit her when I have a car.  I will visit her this Christmas.  I will bring her here in Manila when I finally have a car.  I will buy her gifts this Christmas now that I am earning more than enough.  I will probably be able to bring her somewhere nice.  But now, I am not sure if that will ever happen.  God, I hope I can still see her alive.  I wanted to run by her side but I have to wait for the bus.  I wanted to take care of her like she did to me when I was a kid.  I wanted to make her happy.  Not realizing that just seeing me, being with me makes me happy.

My friends asked me what I am going to do last Friday and I told them I was going to Tomas Morato.  The place is known as a gimmick place where there’s a lot of bars, restos and coffee shops around.  People automatically think that I am going out on a date or going out on a gimmick with friends.  Well, I was going to meet with someone then.  Someone really special.  I actually do have a date.  A date with Jesus.  Not doing what “normal” people do on a Friday night but doing the best thing a person can do.  What do I get from gimmicks - probably, for most people a drink and a hangover the next day.  Or for some, an empty pocket.  Here, I gain more riches than lose them.  I went on a church vigil, meeting with my Lord and collaborating with Him to save people from sin - what can be more meaningful than that?

Now, I wonder.  Will I ever find someone, a man, who will join me on these dates?  Who will spend the evening with me, with God in our goal to save more souls from hell?  I wonder… and I hope to find one otherwise, it is not worth it at all.

Lately, I have been so happy and feel so blessed.  I feel that somehow, I am close to living the life I wanted.  No hang ups, no longer living in the past and just moving forward.  I am beginning to explore more than I use to.  Setting no limits to what I can do and what I can achieve.  I feel more free.  I feel that God has led me to the path that I am supposed to take.  I just pray that this will continue.  I have been so blessed.

I think I should thank a friend for this.  Thank you for teaching me how life is supposed to be.  Thank you for making me realize my passions and inspiring me to reach for my dreams instead of just dreaming about it.  People enter our lives for a reason and they definitely have a purpose.  Since last year, there seem to be an invisible roadmap that I am made to follow.  Now, I feel that I am getting closer to my destination.  This year will be a great year… this is the year that I really start living.

I think I have come to the point of  understanding certain things, certain mistakes I made in the past.  Well, I know I have said this a lot of times but I will say it again, I rushed.  By expressing my own feelings, I have put the pressure on you and set my expectations too high.  Then, from there things started to get more and more complicated.

I have set my priorities too high.  When I said I care about you, I expected you to say the same.  I expected you to express your feelings.  When you did not, I started to ask myself and question your motives.  I began to feel insecure and ask why you cannot tell me.  I began to look at my own flaws and magnify yours.  I began to ask why you and I became friends.  I began to question your actions.  I began to think that maybe, you think I am not good enough for you and strive harder and harder to prove that I am even if I myself am not sure about my own feelings and motives.  I was not sure if I really love you.  I was not sure if I really want to be with you.  What drove me was the need to know the answer.  The need to receive feedback for something I uttered.  It took me a lot of courage to say that I care yet, you never put any importance on that.  All these circumstances caused more pressure on you and drove you away, hurting both of us in the process.

Well, this does not mean I take all the blame.  I only meant that I understand things now that I see things in a different perspective.  It only meant that I realized that to be with you is not really what I want and I may have cared for you, but it wasn’t enough to be called love.  Thanks for everything though.  With all the pressure of proving that I deserve you, I have become a better person.  The experience may not have been something ideal but I guess, it was worth it somehow.  From it, I have attained a certain level of maturity.  No more fears.  No more hang ups.  I am now free from the past.  Happy. Living the life I want.   Loving myself and ready to love again.